Let phony horoscope guide you

Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader knows they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely nonexistent.

But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Getting more money may improve your financial situation. Avoid smashing into other vehicles when driving today. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A tender, romantic encounter is out of the question tonight. Share your deepest emotions with a Mama Celeste pizza. Let your limitations guide you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Good fortune is on the horizon. Spend your next paycheck on lottery tickets. A beguiling stranger advises you to stay out of dumpsters today.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Complications involving a faulty prophylactic cause you to devote more thought to a special relationship. Treat yourself to some extra-strength Tylenol at dusk.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Encouraging news is probably inaccurate. Join an expensive health club and make a religious habit of never going there. Reconsider plans to have cosmetic brain surgery.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) An attractive member of the opposite sex is secretly laughing at you. Slamming your hand in a car door could ease your emotional pain. Perspire freely among friends.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could prove fiscally unsound. Vacillate on key decisions, particularly those requiring prompt attention. Explore a career in taxidermy.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Follow your instincts on matters involving a reputed mobster and his rhesus monkey. Postpone an upcoming trip to Antarctica until winter. Use toothpaste and a brush for cleaner teeth. Eschew your food.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Emitting socially unacceptable noises could spoil an intimate moment. Consider body piercing to brighten your appearance. Using words may help you communicate your thoughts.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) A candid discussion with a loved one may lead to intense boredom and involuntary spasms. Plan a trip to a small Midwestern town you've never heard of. Becoming invisible could prove useful tonight.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Apply sunscreen when lying motionless on the beach for more than eight hours. Domestic animals find you repulsive this evening. Avoid unnecessary death.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Spontaneity might not be wise today. Consulting the Herald Sunday horoscope may be your only hope of finding wealth, happiness and true inner peace. Heed the puny wizard.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is a recovering Scorpio.
7-11-99

Common Sense horoscope

Gangsta horoscope

Homeland Security horoscope

Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge, shown here consulting his imaginary crystal terror ball, has resigned. But not before issuing this Homeland Security horoscope.

Memo: U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security

Secretary Tom Ridge, in consultation with the nation's top astrological experts, today issued the following Risk Assessment Horoscope:

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Use common sense when dealing with a grave and gathering menace. Consensual physical affection with a loved one can temporarily numb the haunting specter of imminent mayhem. The future is guardedly bright.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Good day to assess your surroundings for vulnerabilities and take protective measures to mitigate them. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment on severing ties with a relative who may be a security risk. Be wary of unfamiliar smiles.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Monitor your transportation systems to insure readiness in the event of an evening terrorist incursion. Making an obscene gesture in traffic could lead to an unwanted gunshot wound. Vary your daily routine.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Be patient if a loved one's fear of nuclear annihilation causes him or her to question your preparedness. Biweekly drills help you familiarize family personnel with your emergency response plan. Stock up on duct tape.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A breathtaking sunrise reminds you the end could come before dusk. Coordinate your personal security efforts with local emergency personnel and law enforcement agencies. Do not let your identity fall into enemy hands.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Seek creative new ways to disguise your attractiveness as a potential terrorist target. Be sure to exercise appropriate precautions in the event of an unexpected romantic encounter. Avoid naked aggression.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Redirect your personal resources to give priority to critical emergency needs. Treating yourself to a canister of pepper spray can add zest to your paranoia. Turn your stress about man's inherent capacity for evil into positive energy.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The threat of media chatter is heightened today. Follow established protocols when dealing with the rhetoric of swarthy political extremists. News reports of possible terrorist activity may be inaccurate or exaggerated.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Think twice before utilizing free speech to criticize the government. Sacrificing a few civil liberties will help the shadowy forces protect you. Limit your contact with those who exhibit an unkempt appearance or beady eyes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) A moment of serenity will likely be dashed by a sudden heightening of tension. Promptly report any suspicious individuals or activity to the Department of Homeland Security. Vigilance is next to godliness.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Going somewhere you've never been could be asking for trouble. Restrict access to your home and work environments to essential personnel only. Don't succumb to a panic attack: Today's threat level for apocalyptic doom is LOW.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Undertake further refinement of household protective measures within the context of current threat information. Unnecessary friendliness could cause unforeseen complications. Fortify your perimeter.

Today's Presidential Horoscopes

John Kerry
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -- Excessive wordiness may distract people from fully understanding your mixed messages. Future job prospects may hinge on your ability to expose a well-liked adversary's pathological dishonesty. Be decisive.

George W. Bush
CANCER (June 21-July 22) -- Refuse to let facts and common sense intrude on your vision of what is right. Affecting a tough persona helps you compensate for feelings of intellectual inadequacy. Don't be distracted by rising death tolls. Stay the course.