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Hollywood spins off
Spider-man's web
By John Breneman
Fueled by the phenomenal box-office success
of "Spider-Man" (the sequel debuts June 30), Hollywood
is spinning out a slew of big-budget films about superheroes
who are part human, part bug.
Timed to coincide with the onset of mosquito
season are potential summer blockbusters like "Ladybug-Man,"
"Wonder Worm" and "Captain Earwig."
Executives at Mandible Entertainment are already
predicting Oscar nominations for the poignant story of Franz
Kaufman, a mild-mannered entomologist by day who scurries
behind his refrigerator at dusk and metamorphoses into ...
"Cockroach-Man," a crusty crime-fighter whose special
powers enable him to survive nuclear holocausts and repeated
stompings.
"Praying Mantis-Woman" stars Angelina
Jolie as a lanky green supervixen who seduces adversaries
with her sensuous triangular head and bulbous bedroom eyes,
then mates with them and eats them alive.
 George
Clooney and Michael Keaton are said to be vying for the title
role in "Gnatman," a dark thriller about a wealthy
Gotham City businessman who dons a tiny mask and cape to annoy
archvillains, making them so itchy they can't concentrate
on perpetrating evil.
"Dung Beetle-Man" is the story of
Steve Scarab, a tormented waste treatment plant worker who
falls into a vat of radioactive effluent and emerges with
a rancid but impenetrable exoskeleton and the ability to smother
foes in his highly toxic feces.
"Sergeant Tapeworm" features a parasitic
crime-buster who infests the bad guys' digestive tract and
gnaws like mad until they no longer have the stomach to commit
diabolical deeds.
And movie fans are expected to flock like locusts to see cotton-pickin'
criminals laid low by "Boll Weevil: Enemy of Evil."
The emerging insect-action genre relies on a
familiar formula: Colorful champions distinguished by their
rippling thorax muscles team up with trusty sidekicks like
Aphid, Flea and Chigger to battle repellent archvillains like
Lord Maggot, Venus Fly Trap and the nefarious Woodpecker.
The genre also features unique musical styles.
"Grasshopper-Man," for example, hums with a lazy,
haunting soundtrack provided by the tympanal organs of the
Caped Cicadas.
Hollywood is also buzzing about a string of
campy Bee-Movies. "The WASP" chronicles the comic
misadventures of Whitey Saxon, an uptight Protestant mud dauber
living in a colony of angry black militant hornets. And "Queen
Bee-Man" features rock star Sting as a transvestite hive
boss struggling to keep his true gender a secret from his
faithful but suspicious sidekick, Drone.
Even the adult-film industry is getting into
the act with the steamy multiple-organism romance, "Katydid
Dallas and Johnny Inch-Worm."
Meanwhile, don't adjust your antennae. Bug fare
is also creeping onto the small screen with the major networks
set to debut "The Pest Wing" and "Who Wants
to Be a Millipede?"
Also at the movies:
Green
Eggs & Hamlet
Tinsel town terror
Jesus Christ, box-office superstar
FEEDBACK: Mail@HumorGazette.com
June
25, 2004
Rumsfeld cites link between Saddam Hussein
and ... Rumsfeld
By
John Breneman
While Donald Rumsfeld was in Baghdad in 1984 to grease Saddam
Hussein for oil, the Iraqi madman was whacking Iranian soldiers
with chemical weapons. Rummy must have been outraged, right?
Guess again.
Back then it was handshakes and smiles for Hussein, who became
a "grave and gathering danger" with plenty
of help from his pals in Washington.
Rumsfeld and the Bush gang went to war over weapons of mass
destruction that Hussein turned out not to have. But when
Hussein was spraying his foes with mustard gas 20 years ago,
Rummy kept his yap shut. Here's a quote from an August 2002
article
by Jeremy Scahill in Common Dreams:
In 1984, Donald Rumsfeld was in a position to draw the
world's attention to Saddam's chemical threat. He was in Baghdad
as the UN concluded that chemical weapons had been used against
Iran. He was armed with a fresh communication from the State
Department that it had "available evidence" Iraq
was using chemical weapons. But Rumsfeld said nothing.
He was too busy kissing Hussein's ass.
Around this time the Butcher of Baghdad was also buying all
the American-made helicopters he could get his hands on. He
was even getting poisonous chemicals and biological agents
from U.S. companies, according to this
"Rotten" Rumsfeld bio. Here's a quote:
As a result of the openings created by Rumsfeld's (1983-84)
diplomatic triumphs, U.S. companies were recruited and encouraged,
both covertly and overtly, to ship poisonous chemicals and
biological agents to Iraq, by the administrations of both
Reagan and George Bush Sr. Care packages to Saddam included
sample strains of anthrax and bubonic plague, and components
which would be used to develop nerve poisons like sarin gas
and ricin.
The nerve of these guys.
Even a bit of pro-Rumsfeld
propaganda says, "Mr. Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein
did not have time to address Iraq's use of chemical weapons,
but instead discussed the (oil) pipeline project and other
mutual interests."
Revisionist Rumsfeld now claims he cautioned Hussein about
the use of chemical weapons. Do you believe him? If so, perhaps
I could interest you in a piece of prime swampland in Falluja.
Related reading:
Rumsfeld's
old flame -- by Jim Vallette in Tom Paine / Here's a quote:
The lesson to be drawn from Bechtel, the Aqaba pipeline
and the present conflict is that an "evil dictator"
is a friend of the United States when he is ready to do business,
and a mortal enemy when he is not. Sadly, it is our sons and
daughters, brothers and sisters, who must pay the price when
a deal goes bad.
June
24, 2004
Bush butchered those pesky words "Abu Guh-reff"
abu-again yesterday, this time in a press conference with
the prime minister of Hungary. The transcript doesn't reflect
it but Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart made hay with the embarassing
video clip, which can be seen here.
Repeat after me: "Ah-Boo
... Guh-Reb." Or something like that.
June
23, 2004
You can call me Al
The White House today produced evidence of a clear link between
Iraq and Al Qaeda, reporting that in 1999 a Baltimore accountant
named Albert "Al" Qaeda ordered a Persian rug for
his grandmother from a Baghdad carpet warehouse.
Vice President Dick Cheney explained: "We never said
there was a connection between Iraq and the
al Qaeda, just an al Qaeda."
This just in from the
Ironic Times:
9/11 panel finds 'no credible link' between Bush and credibility.
The Times, with its punchy headline-punchline format, also
reports:
-- Bush approves use of Iraqi stem cells
-- Cheney denies buying Brooklyn Bridge from Chalabi
-- White House links Kevin Bacon to 9/11 attacks
-- Report: bin Laden family members received frequent flyer
miles
In other fake news:
Bush
unveils new "Hey, I Just Work Here!" campaign slogan
President
attacked by Saddam's gun
June 22, 2004
Clinton memoir penned with company
ink
 By
John Breneman
Bill Clinton writes that his dream of becoming president
began during a fortuitous 1963 visit with John F. Kennedy,
who told him the job was "great for nailing chicks."
As his biography, "My Life" hits bookstores today,
Clinton said he failed to launch a more aggressive effort
to capture Osama bin Laden in part because intelligence reports
indicated the terrorist kingpin had virtually no access to
"high-quality Arabian tail."
The book (subtitled "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am")
has already hit #1 on the Humor Gazette bestseller list. It
is also #1 at Amazon.com despite protests that publisher Alfred
A. Knopf raped an Amazon rainforest to print the hefty 957-page
wad of Bill.
The New
York Times called the work "skanky,
auto-erotic and libido-crushingly dull," lamenting
that the memoir contains no mention of Clinton's alleged Lincoln
Bedroom gangbangs or his racy "Interns Gone Wild"
videos.
I did not bang that pudgy,
beret-wearing, DNA-stained-dress-saving ho, Miss Lewinsky.
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Though the book is jam-packed with what top reviewers call
"boring stuff," its pages are not completely unstained
by seminal passages penned from the Great Fornicator's indelible
dip into "company ink." Clinton does not defend
his handling of the Lewinsky Missile Crisis.
Clinton characterized his antics with the White House intern
as "morally indefensible," but "grammatically,
linguistically and legally defensible." He claimed he
"did
not have relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky"
simply "because he could," and also because a devilish
3-inch-high JFK kept popping up on his shoulder quoting the
Marilyn Monroe Doctrine to egg him on.
Clinton confesses that when he told Hillary about the non-affair
she clubbed
him with a Teflon frying pan. He also makes fresh
accusations that special prosecutor Kenneth Starr screwed
him on a Whitewater rafting expedition.
But perhaps most telling of all, the former president confides
that when making key decisions he always listens more closely
to his left nut than his more conservative right.
Related reading:
Maureen Dowd -- Because
they could
Journalism.org -- The
Cigar
Whitehouse.org - Miss
Enron
June 21, 2004
I'm John Breneman and I approved this message
George W. Bush rubs me the wrong way. Yes, I admit it is not
very nice to call the President of the United States a "flaming
asshole," but that's just how I feel. I can barely stand
the sight of his smug, lying face. But there he is on my goddamn
television, every day, spending those millions from his bottomless
campaign warchest.
In his
latest campaign ad, the president displays his unparalleled
talent for coming across as a jerk even when delivering a
"positive" soundbite. Watch Bush's face and body
language when he says: "I'm optimistic about America
because I believe in the people of America."
He's got that half smirk going, and he's shaking his head
"no" as if he's dismissing the latest pain-in-the-ass
question about his war, as if he is about to add, "I'd
be very careful about denigrating the spirit of the American
people."
But that's just Bush playing one of his favorite, most transparent
games. You know the one: No matter what the question is, Bush
pretends the questioner has just insulted America and that
he is stepping in to defend her.
I know it would probably be much more helpful to offer a
reasoned, analytical critique of Bush's policies. But some
days it seems more important to just call him a friggin' jackass
and leave it at that.
Just pals
Refuting a
recent Humor Gazette report that Osama bin Laden and
Saddam Hussein shared an intimate relationship that resulted
in marriage and the adoption of a shaved-ape baby, a bin Laden
spokesmen tells esteemed fake news man Andy Borowitz that
the wild and crazy evildoers are "just
good friends."
June 18, 2004
Sunday is Father's Day.
Here is a humorous
salute to an outstanding dad, mine.
June 17, 2004
 The
Missing Link
What !?!?! You mean those 9/11 suicide bombers didn't come
from Baghdad? Then why did Presidents
Bush and Cheney brainwash half the country into believing
there was a link
between evil Osama and evil Saddam? I guess to protect
us from all those weapons of mass destruction.
The commission investigating the 9/11 attacks essentially
has said, "Read
my lips, no connection." But Cheney is not convinced,
pointing out today in an interview with Sesame Street magazine
that Iraq and al Qaeda both make prominent use of the letter
"Q."
The Humor Gazette has learned that Hussein
and bin Laden were, in fact, gay lovers who adopted a baby
chimp shortly after exchanging wedding vows in 2003.
The source of this information is a report in the tabloid
Weekly
World News.
For an impressive selection of stories chronicling the zany
antics of President Smirky, peel yourself a couple bananas
and read the
Smirking Chimp.
This Won't Hurt Much
Terry Jones of Monty Python's Flying Circus puts "torture"
in perspective in
this piece from the Guardian.
June 16, 2004
Fistful of Jelly Beans
By John Breneman
The presidency, The Gipper now reminds us, is performance
art.
And so George Bush, badly miscast as leader of the free world,
plays President George W. Bush -- part action hero, part villain,
part Burt Reynolds ham -- with a devious twinkle and a trillion-dollar
smirk.
It is no secret that to faithfully execute their duties as
Infotainers-in-Chief, both men have drawn inspiration from
iconic movie strongmen Clint Eastwood and John Wayne.
Dutch did Dirty Harry. "Make my day."
Bush does the Duke. "Dead or alive."
You with me, punk?
It's Dutch, the Duke, Josey and George.
And it can get a little confusing.
Did Reagan star in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957)?
Or was it Bush in "Hellcat of the National Guard"
(1972)?
Was it Wayne in "Sands of Iwo Jima" or W. in "Sands
of Mesopotamia"?
John showed us "How the West Was Won" and the West
won the Cold War with Ron. Clint gripped his "Fistful
of Dollars," Ronnie his "Fistful of Jelly Beans."
Mucho cowboy karma links the swaggering Duke to the Tumbleweed
Shrub. Wayne played "The Lucky Texan" in 1934. Bush
was born into the same role in 1946.
Duke did "Back to Bataan." Bush, "Back to
Baghdad."
Wayne personified "True Grit." Bush personifies
"True Git."
 Year
after year, Wayne rode the white horse in films whose titles
now haunt the White House. "Born Reckless" (1930),
"Two-Fisted Law" (1932), "Texas Terror"
(1935), "The Lawless Nineties" (1936), "They
Were Expendable" (1945), "Without Reservations"
(1946), "Angel and the Badman" (1947), "Plunder
of the Sun" (1953), "Trouble Along the Way"
(1953), "The High and the Mighty" (1954), "Blood
Alley" (1955), "The Conqueror" (1956), "Circus
World" (1964), "Cast a Giant Shadow" (1966)
and "Hellfighters" (1968).
You get my meaning, Pilgrim?
Once those tinhorn judges named Bush sheriff he headed East,
Eastwood-style, packing a "Fistful of Tax Cuts,"
trigger finger on his .44 Magnum, itching to bust Saddam Hussein
"Every Which Way But Loose." The star of "Sudden
Impact" has had more than a subtle impact on the failed
Texas oilman turned international enforcer.
Clint's movie titles, too, echo through the Bush filmography.
"Revenge of the Creature" (1955), "The Beguiled"
(1971), "The Dead Pool" (1988), "White Hunter,
Black Heart" (1990), "Absolute Power" (1997),
"True Crime" (1999) and "Space Cowboys"
(2000).
"The Good, the Bad and the Axis of Evil."
 From
Knute Rockne to Newt Gingrich, Dutch and W. cross paths along
the dusty trail. Rancher Reagan's brand was the Silver Screen,
Bush's the Silver Spoon. Ronnie instinctively knew when it
was "Bedtime for Bonzo." Not so with Georgie and
"Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan ordered Mr. Gorbachev
to "tear down this wall." The wall Mr. Bush wants
demolished separates Church and State.
The Hollywood airbrush could never mask all of Ronald Reagan's
warts. But he seemed sincere when he evoked the spirit of
his 1943 short film "For God and Country." In President
Bush's script those words read more like a soundbite from
a spaghetti western.
Bush
stars in Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11"
 June
15, 2004
What's wrong with this portrait?
Did George W. Bush inhale some Iraqi oil fumes yesterday?
Why else would he call Bill Clinton a man of "incredible
energy and great personal appeal"? What a spectacle:
Slick Willie standing next to an oil-based likeness of his
mug while W. did the Texas Two-Face.
I know the unveiling
of official White House portraits of a former president
and first lady calls for a monetary lapse of bipartisan monkey
dirt. But, call me cynical, I have this weird sense someone
is trying to trick me when President Bush says of ex-President
Clinton, "As chief executive he showed a deep and far-ranging
knowledge of public policy, a great compassion for people
in need, and a forward looking spirit that Americans like
in a president."
This is the same Bush who weaseled into the White House saying
Clinton had stripped it of "honor
and integrity" and promising to fix it. His approval
rating team apparently is working overtime to siphon a few
percentage points, first from the Gipper and now the Slickster.
He's a crafty one that Bush … crafty like a Fox News
anchor.
And one more thing. Can someone enlighten me, why did Clinton
say he felt like "a pickle stepping into history"?
I still like these presidential
portraits by the 3rd graders in Osseo, Wisconsin.
Check out their version of President
42 and his new bestest pal, President
43.
Next up: Oh, the
things you have to believe to be a Republican today.
 I
urge greybeards and whipper-snappers alike to peruse the offerings
of an estimable satiric publication entitled The
Watley Review. In addition to purveying such fine
political satire as "Rumsfeld
Denies Knowledge of Scandals No One Knew About,"
this guy can make anything funny. Random example, turn
signals.
 June
14, 2004
Wall Street rocked by Capitalist
Piggy Bank Syndrome.
Bereaved
Bush takes Saddam's gun
on three-country rampage (Click
here
or see below)
Bush impersonator Steve Bridges
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June 11, 2004
Had enough of the real George W. Bush? Here's
a fake one. Bush impersonator Steve Bridges says he
got his start "doing impersonations in his youth of the
Three Stooges."
In this article
in American Entertainment Magazine, he quotes the
real Bush telling him, "You see a tape where somebody
looks like ya, acts like ya, talks like ya, that's weird."
Also, Molly Ivins chronicles Bush's
Kiss of Death in Alternet.
 Pandering
for votes
Uncle Sam sez today would be a good day to vote
for the Humor Gazette at the Satire Awards. We have
a solid chance in one category: Best
Presidential Satire.
The Gazette entry -- Bush
drops a comic bomb -- satirizes the president's side-splitting
weapons of mass destruction comedy routine. Your vote can
make the difference. Plus I'd hate to be forced to launch
a blistering series of attack ads against my opponents.
I need support from the following demographics and voting
blocs: soccer moms; deadbeat dads; registered Whig Party voters;
compassionate conservatives and knee-jerk, bleeding heart
tax-and-spend liberals; Reagan Democrats and Kucinich Republicans;
Iraqi detainees; hawks, doves, donkeys and pachyderms; red,
white and blue supremacists; lesbian lumberjacks; slackers
and Test-Tube Baby Boomers.
Other leading contenders in this category include:
'Mullet
Men' crucial to 2004 Presidential Election
Hoosier Gazette
Bush Education Budget Provides More Basketball Hoops
to Inner City Schools
Sports Pickle
Protesters Persuade Bush to Postpone War on Iraq
Studio 8
Amidst
SARS Confusion, President Bush Bans Sears
The Enduring Vision
My campaign has been endorsed by the non-partisan Gut-Buster
Institute, Count Dracula, Local #612 of the Federation of
Ball Busters, Crash-Test
Dummies for Ralph Nader and the influential Bush people
of the Australian Outback.
 Don't
let the jack-booted government storm troopers stomp on your
God-given right to read sharp-edged political and social satire.
Vote Humor Gazette in 2004. Thank you for your support!
 June
10, 2004
"Reagan:
Cold Warrior" CBS canceled
"The
Reagans" docudrama last November, but several
other made-for-TV projects have the green light. ABC is reportedly
negotiating with Jack Nicholson (right) to play a maniacal,
wise-cracking Nixon who holes up in the White House with a
shotgun rather than relinquish the incriminating audiotapes
that would ultimately end his presidency in a hail of gunfire.
Or how about Jim Carrey as a lanky, rubber-faced Abraham
Lincoln?
Pompadour
and circumstance A heartfelt
salute
to the man and his hair by a former Reagan speechwriter*
June 9, 2004
The Humor
Gazette has obtained a secret
Justice Department memo distinguishing between "good
torture" and "bad torture," and setting the
groundwork for an ingenious "few
bad apples" defense in case the world catches
on.
In a related document, White House legal counsel Alberto
R. Gonzales opined that the "quaint"
Geneva Conventions are a pain in Uncle Sam's red,
white and blue ass.
The confidential memo, hidden by John
Ashcroft in an iron-clad lockbox, says U.S. interrogators
may utilize dog leashes, sexual abuse, and the mocking "thumbs-up"
gesture considered particularly humiliating in Muslim culture.
It is also OK to strip prisoners naked and photograph them
hopping on one foot chanting the Pledge of Allegiance, but
only the "Under God" version.
Frowned upon are such techniques as Chinese watermelon torture,
unnecessary fatal beatings and using toothpicks to hold detainees
eyes open while they're forced to watch reruns of "America's
Funniest Prison Abuse Videos."
Also frowned upon, goody-two-combat-boots soldiers reminding
superiors that the America they are fighting for believes
in human rights and all that junk.
Hey, at least it wasn't some sort of Spanish Inquisition.
(Remember the lads from Monty
Python torturing an infidel using soft cushions and
a comfy chair?)
FAKE NEWS
Bush
Denies Torture Rules Allow Use of Carrot Top Videos
Muskrat News
White House memo: How to spin Reagan's death Confusion
Road
June 8, 2004
Cowboy
diplomacy. How come when Ronald Reagan did it -- "Make
my day," "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down the wall"
-- it sounded cool, bold, presidential?
 But
when George W. Bush swaggers into Clint Eastwood country --
"Bring
'em on," "Dead
or alive" -- he sounds like some phony John Wayne
wannabe trying to prove he's a tough guy?
Poor Bush. Even Reagan
had a military record.
He killed a dozen Japs with one steely glare, and 15 Krauts
by sneering "Make my day." Not really. "Eyesight
difficulties" limited his duty to in the Army's elite
movie-making unit. The Hollywood
soldier also served as Cmdr. Casey Abbott, captain
of the USS Starfish, in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957)
President Bush is taking Reagan's death pretty hard. The
Humor
Gazette is reporting that Bush took his favorite new
Saddam
Hussein handgun on a three-country rampage over the
weekend, firing off shots and yelling "Eeee-haaah!!"
before crashing a stolen pickup on some loose soil in Pakistan.
Rush
Limbaugh called the president's joyride "a fraternity
prank" and said Bush was just blowing
off a little steam after a grueling week spent perfecting
his pronunciation of the word "sovereignty" for
the big day.
This just in ... Ronnie saved Marilyn Monroe from
a Communist takeover in 1959.
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Regardless of one's political beliefs, there are many ways
to honor the late, great celluloid president. And not just
feeding a chimpanzee from a baby bottle.
Why not suck back a pack of smooth, easy-smoking Chesterfields?
Just say Yes. The Marlboro President sure wasn't afraid to
roll up his sleeves and puff for a paycheck. "Smoke
'em out if you got 'em."
 These
Reagan
health posters are provided as a satiric government
service by WhiteHouse.org.
Everybody Loves Reagan
Sort of. Here are actor
Ian McKellen's reminiscences about his fellow thespian.
King Lear is mostly kind to the Gipper but takes him to task
for his silence on the growing AIDS epidemic.
This Modern World has a harsh Reagan-Bob
Hope-AIDS anecdote (under the heading "Andy's
hero"). … Andy (Sullivan) defends himself here (under
the heading: "Reagan
and AIDS").
Smoking gun
Now for some weird stuff. This guy "sued"
Ronald Reagan for "deliberate, reckless, and
nefarious disregard of his constitutional rights."
Say it ain't so.
Cuts in federal funding for guerilla theater threaten
the future of The
Ronald Reagan Home for the Criminally Insane.
666?
Well I'll be damned. This site offers "Evidence
that Ronald Reagan was the Beast of Revelation."
I thought Commies were supposed to be the Devil.
The Washington Pox correctly predicted on Dec. 29, 2003,
that congressional Republicans would pus for the U.S. to put
Reagan's
face on the moon.
ConfusionRoad.com offers this point-counterpoint
between Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And, what World Wide Web would be complete without Mr.
T and Ronald Reagan Punching Puppets.
Almost forgot, around the time CBS pulled the plug on "The
Reagans" docudrama, I did a short piece about a new "Reagan:
Cold Warrior" action film. Don't miss Barbara
Bush (George Washington) in her big-screen debut. In retrospect,
why would anybody write a story called, Bush
wins Oscar, thanks Axis of Evil?
And finally, let's all tip our cowboy hats to Ronald Reagan.
In fact, why not get Dad a 29-pound bronze
bust of his hero for Father's Day? Just $2,200
The
George W. Bush model is an American classic -- a bargain
at $400. I bought a case of 24 and sprinkled them around the
apartment so I can be inspired by his God-based, devil-may-care
leadership throughout the day.
 This
item is both precious and priceless. A timeless
portrait of Ronald Reagan by Danielle, a third grader
in Osseo, Wisconsin. Her friend Steven's rendering of a devious-looking
George W. Bush (right) is both haunting and disturbing.
And so the nation mourns. Here's hoping the Reagan children
don't fight too much over who gets Reagan Washington National
Airport.
FAKE NEWS
Reagan's
death timed to distract attention from Bush's disastrous
D-Day speech DeadBrain
President
Reagan Is Still Dead The Daily Farce
Monday, June 7, 2004
Looks like my crack team of wisecrackers is going to take
a crack at a humor blog. Here goes:
Ronald
Reagan was handy with a wisecrack. Remember the time
(Aug. 11, 1984) he was joking around before his weekly radio
address? And he goes … "My fellow Americans, I'm
pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that
will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
George W. needs more material like that, not his feeble "those
weapons must be around here somewhere" schtick.
The Gipper was a quipper, alright. Here's one. President
walks into a McDonald's in Tuscaloosa, Alabama (Oct. 15, 1984)
and says to his aide, "What am I supposed to order?"
He even dozed off during a (June 7, 1982) meeting with Pope
John Paul II. These fun facts from Reagan's irreverent, "unofficial"
biography at Rotten Tomatoes.
 The
Gippernator also knew how to hold his own with even the cleverest
chimpanzee. At this Reel
Classics bio, Reagan explains that after making "Bedtime
for Bonzo" (1951), he refused to do a sequel called "Bonzo
Goes to College" because it lacked the "credibility"
of the original.
Speaking of chimps and their clandestine role in running
our country, read about more of President Reagan's monkey
business at SmirkingChimp.com.
The Jellybean President also had his philosophical moments.
Like this tidbit from PoliticalHumor.about.com,
"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance
to the first."
Lifted from Slate
via Wonkette:
Christopher Hitchens recalls meeting Reagan, taking a sample
of his right-brain tissue, and finding him "dumb
as a stump."
COMMENTARY
Voodoo
economics + 65 Alternet
FAKE NEWS
Rushmore
for Reagan Specious Report
Earthquake
memo rattles White House Watley Review
Fossil yields
clues about Stones' age Humor Gazette
U.S. at risk of pterodactyl attack
 By
John Breneman
The U.S. has received
credible "chatter" that al-Qaida may or may not
try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to 1,200 days, perhaps
using a plane, a train, acid rain … or worse, a giant
man-eating pterodactyl. Justice Department wacko John
Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing that
Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered
Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft
denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract
Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war
and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to
reveal the source of his information but said it definitely
was not Ahmad
Chalabi. MORE
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