A tip of the hat to Arafat

By John Breneman

Yasser Arafat is dead, but his legacy as a world leader in stylish headgear lives on.

As his followers mourn by firing bullets into the air and hoping they don't pierce too many skulls on the way down, geopolitical haberdashery analysts agree that Arafat's monumental contributions to hatwear will be remembered long after the pesky Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved.

"Not since Abe Lincoln and his legendary stovepipe tophat has one man had such a profound impact on the history of headgear," said Richard "Cappy" Stetson, chairman of the prestigious Fedora Institute. "Castro, Bush, Hamid Karzai over in Afghanistan... These guys all wear hats from time to time, but nobody can touch Arafat. I once saw him craft an exquisite, Allah-approved turban out of a discarded Wal-Mart bag."

Now that Arafat, a 12-time winner of the United Nations' coveted "Best Hat" award, no longer sports a living head on which to display his famous checkered tablecloth, it is believed that other world leaders are eager to fill the void.

A spokesman for Pope John Paul said the pontiff has privately admitted he would love to cap his distinguished career with the U.N. hat prize but understands the competition is intense, with Fidel Castro reportedly working on a drab olive green number that his valet says "combines the flair of the Blues Brothers with the timeless barbarism of Idi Amin."

Chinese President Jiang Zemin has been spotted in a tri-cornered Colonial-era number that is said to be black with gold trim. The C.I.A. has picked up some "chatter" indicating that Osama bin Laden has been experimenting with a jaunty straw hat. And the Iranians are said to be developing a baseball cap composed entirely of enriched uranium.

President Bush, meanwhile, has publicly downplayed the post-Arafat hat scenario. Aides say they are urging Bush to stick with cowboy hats and fighter pilot helmets, but Bush is said to prefer a red, white and blue dunce cap with a nifty propeller on top.

President Bush 'out,' media 'in' as
biggest thing to complain about in '05

By John Breneman

Following through on his pledge to heal the bitterly divided nation, President Bush joined Sen. John Kerry today to introduce a bipartisan national dialogue about the sorry state of "the Media."

Republicans hold contempt for the elite liberal media as exemplified by the New York Times, while Democrats blast organizations like Fox News for brainwashing gullible viewers with right-wing propaganda.

And polls show growing disgust over the Media's failure to provide the citizenry with the complete, unbiased information it needs to make decisions vital to our democracy.

In fact, many are now blaming the Media for failing to prevent the war in Iraq by more vigorously questioning the president and his men about the phony weapons of mass destruction and the dishonest effort to link Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.

The Media could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous source close to the media said Howard Fineman will be covering the story in this week's Newsweek, then pontificating about it on Crossfire, Hardball, The O'Reilly Factor and Imus in the Morning.

Pakistan-based pundit Osama bin Laden calls Ohio in favor of President Bush during election night coverage on Al Jazeera.

Bin Laden tips his turban to Bush

By John Breneman

Osama bin Laden claimed victory in the U.S. presidential race today, telling supporters that his recent video appearance successfully swayed the election to President Bush.

Bin Laden said his unwavering message of pervasive fear closely paralleled that of President Bush. Offering post-election analysis from his anchor desk at Al Jazeera, bin Laden said Democratic challenger John Kerry wisely used Social Security woes and the threat of a military draft to scare people, but cost himself the election by straying from a fear-based campaign with outdated concepts like "hope" and "common sense."

Bin Laden also extended an olive branch to President Bush, saying, "I'd like to thank Mr. Bush for focusing on Iraq during those frightening days after 9/11 when I thought I actually might be captured, and for his help in our terrorist recruitment efforts."

The lanky death-monger, who said he had been up all night watching the returns, noted that his team of Muslim extremist election strategists correctly predicted that Bush would capture the battleground states of Ohio and Florida by convincing voters they needed him to win the battleground country of Iraq.

Plunging the nation into an unnecessary war was a brilliant strategy, according to bin Laden, because of America's long tradition of not changing commanders during wartime, even if the commander is a blundering incompetent who got the job because of his name rather than his talents or accomplishments.

The bearded terror kingpin said he understands why Americans would feel safer led by a man who is so confident that, when confronted with the pre-9/11 warning: "Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S.," he simply went ahead with his Texas vacation plans.

Bin Laden also praised Bush's ability to turn his own shameful military career into an asset by using Swift Boat propaganda guns to maim his war hero opponent. He also credited Bush with making sure no law-abiding terrorist sympathizer is denied access to an assault weapon.

Bin Laden, who has repeatedly denied rumors of a homosexual relationship with Saddam Hussein, said Bush also benefited from his stance gay people should be constitutionally blocked from participating in what he has called "the most fundamental institution of civilization" -- marriage.

Bin Laden closed his remarks by thanking America for its strong support of him during Afghanistan's war against the Soviets in the 1980s.

A recent Humor Gazette tracking poll reveals that 83% of all GOP voters say they support President George W. Bush's strong leadership in waging the war on truth.

Poll reveals Bush favored by
mushroom cloud enthusiasts

Below are the results of the latest Humor Gazette tracking poll:

52% of registered voters say they feel safer despite living in a "battleground state."

42% of Republican voters say they believe Arnold Schwarzenegger will help President Bush defeat the "terrorist girly men."

84% of feel safer under Bush because he was so effective in preventing the 9/11 attacks and capturing Osama bin Laden.

70% of brainwashed Republicans believe President Bush's campaign pledge that John Kerry will take all their money and let terrorists kill them.

92% of oil industry executives say they feel safer under President Bush because he is not afraid to wage war on the environment.

21% of conservative doomsday enthusiasts say they support Bush because they are curious to see what a mushroom cloud looks like.

86% of FOX News viewers say Kerry is unfit for command because ... "flip-flop," "global test," and "gay daughter."

79% of FOX News viewers believe the president is a stronger military leader than the war hero Kerry, even though Bush ducked Vietnam then went AWOL from the cushy National Guard post his daddy got him.

61% of all Worldwide Wrestling Federation fans believe Teresa Heinz Kerry would shred Laura Bush if a steel-cage First Lady catfight death-match were held today.

74% of conservative pundits believe Bush grimaced Kerry into submission in the first debate.

54% of Republicans support Bush because they believe he is pro-Christ.

49% of Democrats oppose Bush because they believe he is the anti-Christ.

81% of all southern Republicans believe the words "Massachusetts liberal" mean "flip-flopping baby-killer."

73% of young Republicans say Bush has the edge due to his experience as a fraternity president at the electoral college.

92% of all Americans believed Bush when he promised to capture bin Laden "dead or alive."

62% believed Bush when he said bin Laden's best friend Saddam Hussein definitely had weapons of mass destruction.

41% of GOP propaganda enthusiasts believed President Bush when he dressed up in a military flightsuit and said "Mission Accomplished."

63% of Democrats think stem-cell research offers hope for a cure to President Bush's rare form of cerebral dysfunction.

87% of registered voters aren't sure if they live in a red state or a blue state.

Finally, approximately 50 percent of all voters appear to have been hoodwinked by the most dangerous American president of all time.

Today's Presidential Horoscopes

John Kerry
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -- Excessive wordiness may distract people from fully understanding your mixed messages. Future job prospects may hinge on your ability to expose a well-liked adversary's pathological dishonesty. Be decisive.

George W. Bush
CANCER (June 21-July 22) -- Refuse to let facts and common sense intrude on your vision of what is right. Affecting a tough persona helps you compensate for feelings of intellectual inadequacy. Don't be distracted by rising death tolls. Stay the course.

See more Horoscopes

Gazette endorses Bush

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Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising president who is not afraid to take action in the face of questionable intelligence -- a man capable of making profound, far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and reason.

Winning the White House's war in Iraq will require a cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader who doesn't give a Texas damn what other nations think of us -- an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these difficult times.

Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative to talk about moral values than to actually embody them -- a folksy, faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.

When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition. He wisely heeded God's instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a hole and took him out.

The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up naked in a pile?

Indeed, we know we are safer because -- though the wrath of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment -- President Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.

Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium yellow cake and eat it too.

Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you're with us or you're with the terrorists" don't these people understand?

Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000 young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World a safer place.

Critics may seize upon some of the president's words to paint him as a thick-headed, born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit for his job as leader of the free world. Some even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively symbolic word "nuclear."

But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration's actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy that he continued to read "My Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words like "malfeasance" and "subliminible." So what if he has five ways to say "Abu Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin Laden?

The important thing is he believes he has the ability to communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given right of each fetus to own a gun.

We must not let some decorated military "hero" cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe for debauchery.

See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp out family values.

Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks about the horrors of war?

President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.

Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society, gay marriage.

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And so, as the most important election of our time draws near, do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid independent research that President Bush has harmed the economy with his tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation's stature in the eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands of American and Iraqi lives.

As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.

So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.

John Breneman
Editor, Humor Gazette

Satire newspaper flip-flops, already endorsed John Kerry