By John Breneman

Hey ladies, have you ever gone to a hotel and fantasized about banging the beguiling stranger in the room next door? If so, pop slut turned perfume mogul-ette Britney Spears has got a hot new fragrance for you.

It's called Curious, and the fabulous commercial features the doe-eyed diva either fantasizing about getting nailed or actually seducing her mystery man into a steamy fingernails-raking-the-back sex romp.

Unlike lesser creative artists -- who might be content to slap their name on some toilet water and rake in millions from pop tart wannabes and gullible boyfriends -- word is Britney gave some juicy input to the "scent boys" in putting together her naughty new 'fume. She has even mastered the marketing soundbite, calling the aroma "seriously sexy."

Britney's odor is described as "an exhilarating white floral accented with Louisiana Magnolia and wrapped in the sensuality of vanilla-infused musk."

It's only $49.50 for a 3.3 oz. mini-jug and it comes with a free gift -- a T-shirt emblazoned with the pheromone-producing slogan "Deliciously Whipped!"

But wait, there's more. For just another $50 or so, you can get Curious body souffle, Curious shower gel and Curious shimmer stick. That's not a bad deal, considering that Team Spears could probably sell tiny decanters of Britney's used bath water for $200 a pop. (At presstime, bidding on eBay had reached $10,000 for a vial of her pee.)

Meanwhile, keep a nostril out for other celebrity scents. Coming soon:

Hilary Duff ("Facsimile")
Lindsay Lohan ("Me2")
Jessica Simpson ("Oblivious")
Christina Aguilera ("Genital Breeze")
Jenna Jameson ("Secretions")
Anna Nicole Smith ("Smitty")
Angelina Jolie ("Plasma")
Paris Hilton ("Gangbang")
Kirstie Alley ("Colossus")
Martha Stewart ("Captivity")
Condoleezza Rice ("Security")

(For Men)
P. Diddy ("Ho")
Ashton Kutcher ("Douche")
Vin Diesel ("Fumes")
Mel Gibson ("Passion")
Tony Danza ("Emote")

Hilary Duff redefines 'creative artist'

As part of her evolution as a creative artist, Duff has taken the bold step of actually offering input to the songwriters who create the material she performs.

A special report by Lars Trodson

Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

By John Breneman

Striving to bring together the divided nation, President George W. Bush is eyeing a universally respected figure for a key Cabinet post. According to completely fabricated reports, the one and only Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary discussions about a possible top job in the Bush administration.

Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for his efficient worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has no prior political experience. Nevertheless, he is considered a strong choice due to his extraordinarily high "favorability rating." And though he is famous for hauling around a gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of political baggage.

Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him to fly all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered sleigh, is reportedly being considered for Secretary of Transportation.

Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus' cutting-edge work in high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize the future of commercial air travel.

Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm that Mr. Claus' innate ability to tell who's been "naughty" vs. who's been "nice" made him an attractive candidate to replace John Ashcroft as Attorney General.

And several leading economists -- noting Mr. Claus' powerful impact on the nation's gross national product each year at this time -- suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of Commerce.

The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round residence at the North Pole, may also be under consideration to head the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.

Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation's leading employer of blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department of Elf Education and Welfare.

Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would draw strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom reportedly no longer believe in him.

FBI investigators will be checking Mr. Claus' background and "checking it twice," in part to determine whether his well-documented "love" for little boys and girls is cause for concern.
A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment on a possible role in the Bush administration because he was about to leave on a very important annual business trip.

But President-elect Bush said he is eager to discuss the possibilities over milk and cookies in Washington next week when "Santa Claus is coming to town."

Homeland Security horoscope

Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge, shown here consulting his imaginary crystal terror ball, has resigned. But not before issuing this Homeland Security horoscope.

Memo: U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Secretary Tom Ridge, in consultation with the nation's top astrological experts, today issued the following Risk Assessment Horoscope:

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Use common sense when dealing with a grave and gathering menace. Consensual physical affection with a loved one can temporarily numb the haunting specter of imminent mayhem. The future is guardedly bright.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Good day to assess your surroundings for vulnerabilities and take protective measures to mitigate them. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment on severing ties with a relative who may be a security risk. Be wary of unfamiliar smiles.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Monitor your transportation systems to insure readiness in the event of an evening terrorist incursion. Making an obscene gesture in traffic could lead to an unwanted gunshot wound. Vary your daily routine.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Be patient if a loved one's fear of nuclear annihilation causes him or her to question your preparedness. Biweekly drills help you familiarize family personnel with your emergency response plan. Stock up on duct tape.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A breathtaking sunrise reminds you the end could come before dusk. Coordinate your personal security efforts with local emergency personnel and law enforcement agencies. Do not let your identity fall into enemy hands.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Seek creative new ways to disguise your attractiveness as a potential terrorist target. Be sure to exercise appropriate precautions in the event of an unexpected romantic encounter. Avoid naked aggression.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Redirect your personal resources to give priority to critical emergency needs. Treating yourself to a canister of pepper spray can add zest to your paranoia. Turn your stress about man's inherent capacity for evil into positive energy.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The threat of media chatter is heightened today. Follow established protocols when dealing with the rhetoric of swarthy political extremists. News reports of possible terrorist activity may be inaccurate or exaggerated.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Think twice before utilizing free speech to criticize the government. Sacrificing a few civil liberties will help the shadowy forces protect you. Limit your contact with those who exhibit an unkempt appearance or beady eyes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) A moment of serenity will likely be dashed by a sudden heightening of tension. Promptly report any suspicious individuals or activity to the Department of Homeland Security. Vigilance is next to godliness.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Going somewhere you've never been could be asking for trouble. Restrict access to your home and work environments to essential personnel only. Don't succumb to a panic attack: Today's threat level for apocalyptic doom is LOW.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Undertake further refinement of household protective measures within the context of current threat information. Unnecessary friendliness could cause unforeseen complications. Fortify your perimeter.

Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader knows they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely nonexistent. But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.

Common Sense horoscope

Gangsta horoscope

Bush relative holds slim lead
in Iraq pre-election polls

By John Breneman

Polls show the early leader in the race for president of Iraq is a little-known second cousin of President George W. Bush.

Ahmad W. Bush, described as a fervent born-again Shiite who favors tax cuts for oil industry warlords, holds a slim lead over Jihad Party nominee Mohammed al-Mohamma-Lama-Dingdong.

Other contenders include Occupation Party leader Akbar Q. Halliburton and Moral Values Party nominee Allah Bama-Slamma, who supports beheading for adultery and pre-marital sex.

A White House spokesman said that, despite widespread violence and complete disorganization, it is vitally important to stage an Iraq election on the scheduled date of Jan. 30 because "otherwise we'll look like incompetent morons again."

Geopolitical pundits believe securing the Iraqi presidency would strengthen the Bush family's growing stranglehold on the fate of the world.

President Bush's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, is considered by many to be the front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination in 2008, and Jeb's telegenic, Hispanic-blooded son George P. Bush is said to be eying the presidency of Mexico.

Countries already under Bush control include oil-rich Saudi Arabia, whose leader, Prince Bandar bin Sultan, is affectionately known as Bandar Bush.

There are unconfirmed reports that former President George H.W. Bush, an ex-military hero and CIA chief whose international business connections enable him to profit from war, might be sent into North Korea to "take out" President Kim Jong-Il.

Media insiders say former first lady Barbara Bush provides the "muscle," using fear, intimidation and threats of military action against anyone who criticizes her family dynasty.

This just in: Fox News is reporting that the president's impressive Nov. 2 victory validated the Bush family's "mandate" for world domination.

A pair of Thanksgiving blessings

Armchair pundits offer electric chair analysis

Speculation now shifts to whether the heartless, Viagra-popping Peterson's complete lack of a human soul will hurt him during death penalty deliberations.

By John Breneman

Now that a jury has found California psycho Scott Peterson guilty of killing his wife and unborn son, the sensational round-the-clock media coverage shifts to whether Peterson will get the death penalty.

Public opinion is divided on whether Peterson should live or die, but polls show there is near universal agreement on one thing - the Scott Peterson "story" must be put to death as soon as possible.

"Death penalty, life in prison ... doesn't matter to me. That murdering scum deserves whatever they give him," said a man on the street. "But I'll tell you, I'm sick of how the media has been beating this case to death. I swear if they don't let up I may go on a spree myself."

Though several legal analysts pointed out they had predicted a verdict might be reached on Friday, none had a clue how inane their commentary sounded when woven together with other similarly obvious and repetitive soundbites.

When word came late Friday that the verdict was first-degree murder, the same legal analysts were reintroduced as armchair electric chair experts to speculate about whether the clone-faced Peterson will live or die ... or use the appeals court process to haunt us eternally from some media overkill netherworld.

A tip of the hat to Arafat

By John Breneman

Yasser Arafat is dead, but his legacy as a world leader in stylish headgear lives on.

As his followers mourn by firing bullets into the air and hoping they don't pierce too many skulls on the way down, geopolitical haberdashery analysts agree that Arafat's monumental contributions to hatwear will be remembered long after the pesky Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved.

"Not since Abe Lincoln and his legendary stovepipe tophat has one man had such a profound impact on the history of headgear," said Richard "Cappy" Stetson, chairman of the prestigious Fedora Institute. "Castro, Bush, Hamid Karzai over in Afghanistan... These guys all wear hats from time to time, but nobody can touch Arafat. I once saw him craft an exquisite, Allah-approved turban out of a discarded Wal-Mart bag."

Now that Arafat, a 12-time winner of the United Nations' coveted "Best Hat" award, no longer sports a living head on which to display his famous checkered tablecloth, it is believed that other world leaders are eager to fill the void.

A spokesman for Pope John Paul said the pontiff has privately admitted he would love to cap his distinguished career with the U.N. hat prize but understands the competition is intense, with Fidel Castro reportedly working on a drab olive green number that his valet says "combines the flair of the Blues Brothers with the timeless barbarism of Idi Amin."

Chinese President Jiang Zemin has been spotted in a tri-cornered Colonial-era number that is said to be black with gold trim. he C.I.A. has picked up some "chatter" indicating that Osama bin Laden has been experimenting with a jaunty straw hat. And the Iranians are said to be developing a baseball cap composed entirely of enriched uranium.

President Bush, meanwhile, has publicly downplayed the post-Arafat hat scenario. Aides say they are urging Bush to stick with cowboy hats and fighter pilot helmets, but Bush is said to prefer a red, white and blue dunce cap with a nifty propeller on top.

A word from your president

"My fellow Americans..."

By Chris Elliott

Pakistan-based pundit Osama bin Laden calls Ohio in favor of President Bush during election night coverage on Al Jazeera.

Bin Laden tips his turban to Bush

By John Breneman

Osama bin Laden claimed victory in the U.S. presidential race today, telling supporters that his recent video appearance successfully swayed the election to President Bush.

Bin Laden said his unwavering message of pervasive fear closely paralleled that of President Bush. Offering post-election analysis from his anchor desk at Al Jazeera, bin Laden said Democratic challenger John Kerry wisely used Social Security woes and the threat of a military draft to scare people, but cost himself the election by straying from a fear-based campaign with outdated concepts like "hope" and "common sense."

Bin Laden also extended an olive branch to President Bush, saying, "I'd like to thank Mr. Bush for focusing on Iraq during those frightening days after 9/11 when I thought I actually might be captured, and for his help in our terrorist recruitment efforts."

The lanky death-monger, who said he had been up all night watching the returns, noted that his team of Muslim extremist election strategists correctly predicted that Bush would capture the battleground states of Ohio and Florida by convincing voters they needed him to win the battleground country of Iraq.

Plunging the nation into an unnecessary war was a brilliant strategy, according to bin Laden, because of America's long tradition of not changing commanders during wartime, even if the commander is a blundering incompetent who got the job because of his name rather than his talents or accomplishments.

The bearded terror kingpin said he understands why Americans would feel safer led by a man who is so confident that, when confronted with the pre-9/11 warning: "Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S.," he simply went ahead with his Texas vacation plans.

Bin Laden also praised Bush's ability to turn his own shameful military career into an asset by using Swift Boat propaganda guns to maim his war hero opponent. He also credited Bush with making sure no law-abiding terrorist sympathizer is denied access to an assault weapon.

Bin Laden, who has repeatedly denied rumors of a homosexual relationship with Saddam Hussein, said Bush also benefited from his stance gay people should be constitutionally blocked from participating in what he has called "the most fundamental institution of civilization" -- marriage.

Bin Laden closed his remarks by thanking America for its strong support of him during Afghanistan's war against the Soviets in the 1980s.

A recent Humor Gazette tracking poll reveals that 83% of all GOP voters say they support President George W. Bush's strong leadership in waging the war on truth.

Poll reveals Bush favored by
mushroom cloud enthusiasts

Below are the results of the latest Humor Gazette tracking poll:

52% of registered voters say they feel safer despite living in a "battleground state."

42% of Republican voters say they believe Arnold Schwarzenegger will help President Bush defeat the "terrorist girly men."

84% of feel safer under Bush because he was so effective in preventing the 9/11 attacks and capturing Osama bin Laden.

70% of brainwashed Republicans believe President Bush's campaign pledge that John Kerry will take all their money and let terrorists kill them.

92% of oil industry executives say they feel safer under President Bush because he is not afraid to wage war on the environment.

21% of conservative doomsday enthusiasts say they support Bush because they are curious to see what a mushroom cloud looks like.

86% of FOX News viewers say Kerry is unfit for command because ... "flip-flop," "global test," and "gay daughter."

79% of FOX News viewers believe the president is a stronger military leader than the war hero Kerry, even though Bush ducked Vietnam then went AWOL from the cushy National Guard post his daddy got him.

61% of all Worldwide Wrestling Federation fans believe Teresa Heinz Kerry would shred Laura Bush if a steel-cage First Lady catfight death-match were held today.

74% of conservative pundits believe Bush grimaced Kerry into submission in the first debate.

54% of Republicans support Bush because they believe he is pro-Christ.

49% of Democrats oppose Bush because they believe he is the anti-Christ.

81% of all southern Republicans believe the words "Massachusetts liberal" mean "flip-flopping baby-killer."

73% of young Republicans say Bush has the edge due to his experience as a fraternity president at the electoral college.

92% of all Americans believed Bush when he promised to capture bin Laden "dead or alive."

62% believed Bush when he said bin Laden's best friend Saddam Hussein definitely had weapons of mass destruction.

41% of GOP propaganda enthusiasts believed President Bush when he dressed up in a military flightsuit and said "Mission Accomplished."

63% of Democrats think stem-cell research offers hope for a cure to President Bush's rare form of cerebral dysfunction.

87% of registered voters aren't sure if they live in a red state or a blue state.

Finally, approximately 50 percent of all voters appear to have been hoodwinked by the most dangerous American president of all time.

Today's Presidential Horoscopes

John Kerry
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -- Excessive wordiness may distract people from fully understanding your mixed messages. Future job prospects may hinge on your ability to expose a well-liked adversary's pathological dishonesty. Be decisive.

George W. Bush
CANCER (June 21-July 22) -- Refuse to let facts and common sense intrude on your vision of what is right. Affecting a tough persona helps you compensate for feelings of intellectual inadequacy. Don't be distracted by rising death tolls. Stay the course.

See more Horoscopes

Gazette endorses Bush

Click here for a gallery of Spratz artwork

Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising president who is not afraid to take action in the face of questionable intelligence -- a man capable of making profound, far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and reason.

Winning the White House's war in Iraq will require a cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader who doesn't give a Texas damn what other nations think of us -- an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these difficult times.

Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative to talk about moral values than to actually embody them -- a folksy, faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.

When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition. He wisely heeded God's instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a hole and took him out.

The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up naked in a pile?

Indeed, we know we are safer because -- though the wrath of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment -- President Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.

Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium yellow cake and eat it too.

Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you're with us or you're with the terrorists" don't these people understand?

Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000 young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World a safer place.

Critics may seize upon some of the president's words to paint him as a thick-headed, born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit for his job as leader of the free world. Some even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively symbolic word "nuclear."

But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration's actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy that he continued to read "My Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words like "malfeasance" and "subliminible." So what if he has five ways to say "Abu Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin Laden?

The important thing is he believes he has the ability to communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given right of each fetus to own a gun.

We must not let some decorated military "hero" cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe for debauchery.

See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp out family values.

Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks about the horrors of war?

President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.

Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society, gay marriage.

And so, as the most important election of our time draws near, do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid independent research that President Bush has harmed the economy with his tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation's stature in the eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands of American and Iraqi lives.

As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.

So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.

John Breneman
Editor, Humor Gazette

Satire newspaper flip-flops, already endorsed John Kerry