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Rumsfeld
offers proof of link between Saddam Hussein and ... Rumsfeld
(See story below)
Nostradamus issues terror warning
 By
John Breneman
Citing new intelligence received from Nostradamus, Tom Ridge
today warned all Americans to "hold onto their hats."
Ridge, director of the U.S. Department of Terror, said agents
have discovered a new document in which the mysterious 16th-century
prophet speaks of a "grave and gathering danger"
posed by an unidentified "beast from the Middle East."
The fact that the new terror alert comes on the heels of
the John Kerry's rousing speech at the Democratic National
Convention is just a coincidence, said Ridge, who nevertheless
warned that registered Democrats may be at heightened risk.
"The terrorists hate the word 'democracy' so much they
are hoping to kill as many Democrats as possible," said
Ridge, who urged all Dems to re-register as Republicans and
vote for President Bush "just to be safe."
Ridge, who has been criticized for issuing vague terror alerts
timed to counter any Democratic momentum in the presidential
race, said the Nostradamus prophecy was fairly specific. It
read, in part:
"Some asshole named Mohammed, or maybe Abdul, will
try to blow something up. But instead of a metal bird crashing
down from the sky, look for a brownish 1989 Toyota SR5 pickup
truck loaded with ammonium nitrate."
As further evidence that a terrorist strike may be imminent,
Ridge said President Bush mentioned that in his most recent
conversation with God, the Supreme Being seemed a little edgy
but would not say why.
The fact that a faceless enemy may wipe us off the map at
any moment does not conflict with President Bush's claim that
he has made America safer, according to Ridge, who confided
that Nostradamus also praised Bush for "the president's
leadership in the war against terror."
Responding to skeptics, Ridge pointed out that Nostradamus
correctly foretold the breakup of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck,
and rise of so-called "reality programming," which
he called simply "mindless drivel." The terror czar
hinted there might be some additional Nostradamus "chatter"
containing dirt on John Kerry, but did not elaborate.
Critics counter that the visionary Frenchman failed to predict
that President Bush would choke on a pretzel, fall off his
bike (twice) and respond to the darkest hour of his administration
by continuing to read "My Pet Goat" to a group of
schoolchildren.
Rumsfeld offers proof of link between Saddam
Hussein and ... Rumsfeld
 By
John Breneman
While Donald Rumsfeld was in Baghdad in 1984 to grease Saddam
Hussein for oil, the Iraqi madman was whacking Iranian soldiers
with chemical weapons. Rummy must have been outraged, right?
Guess again.
Back then it was handshakes and smiles for Hussein, who became
a "grave and gathering danger" with plenty
of help from his pals in Washington.
Rumsfeld and the Bush gang went to war over weapons of mass
destruction that Hussein turned out not to have. But when
Hussein was spraying his foes with mustard gas 20 years ago,
Rummy kept his yap shut. Here's a quote from an August 2002
article
by Jeremy Scahill in Common Dreams:
In 1984, Donald Rumsfeld was in a position to draw the
world's attention to Saddam's chemical threat. He was in Baghdad
as the UN concluded that chemical weapons had been used against
Iran. He was armed with a fresh communication from the State
Department that it had "available evidence" Iraq
was using chemical weapons. But Rumsfeld said nothing.
He was too busy kissing Hussein's ass.
Around this time the Butcher of Baghdad was also buying all
the American-made helicopters he could get his hands on. He
was even getting poisonous chemicals and biological agents
from U.S. companies, according to this
"Rotten" Rumsfeld bio. Here's a quote:
As a result of the openings created by Rumsfeld's (1983-84)
diplomatic triumphs, U.S. companies were recruited and encouraged,
both covertly and overtly, to ship poisonous chemicals and
biological agents to Iraq, by the administrations of both
Reagan and George Bush Sr. Care packages to Saddam included
sample strains of anthrax and bubonic plague, and components
which would be used to develop nerve poisons like sarin gas
and ricin.
The nerve of these guys.
Even a bit of pro-Rumsfeld
propaganda says, "Mr. Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein
did not have time to address Iraq's use of chemical weapons,
but instead discussed the (oil) pipeline project and other
mutual interests."
Revisionist Rumsfeld now claims he cautioned Hussein about
the use of chemical weapons. Do you believe him? If so, perhaps
I could interest you in a piece of prime swampland in Falluja.
Related reading:
Rumsfeld's
old flame -- by Jim Vallette in Tom Paine
Here's a quote:
The lesson to be drawn from Bechtel, the Aqaba pipeline
and the present conflict is that an "evil dictator"
is a friend of the United States when he is ready to do business,
and a mortal enemy when he is not. Sadly, it is our sons and
daughters, brothers and sisters, who must pay the price when
a deal goes bad.
Bush butchered those pesky words "Abu Guh-reff"
abu-again yesterday, this time in a press conference with
the prime minister of Hungary. The transcript doesn't reflect
it but Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart made hay with the embarassing
video clip, which can be seen here.
Repeat after me: "Ah-Boo
... Guh-Reb." Or something like that.
 
Humor
Gazette endorses Kerry
Though primarily a humor publication, the Humor Gazette is
run by actual journalists who reserve the right to be serious
about important issues facing America and the world. See our
endorsement HERE.
Homeland Security horoscope
Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge consults his imaginary
crystal ball.
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By
John Breneman
Memo: U.S. Department of Homeland Security
Secretary Tom Ridge, in consultation with the nation's
top astrological experts, today issued the following Risk
Assessment Horoscope:
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Use common sense when dealing
with a grave and gathering menace. Consensual physical affection
with a loved one can temporarily numb the haunting specter
of imminent mayhem. The future is guardedly bright.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Good day to assess your surroundings
for vulnerabilities and take protective measures to mitigate
them. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment on severing ties
with a relative who may be a security risk. Be wary of unfamiliar
smiles.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Monitor your transportation
systems to insure readiness in the event of an evening terrorist
incursion. Making an obscene gesture in traffic could lead
to an unwanted gunshot wound. Vary your daily routine.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Be patient if a loved one's
fear of nuclear annihilation causes him or her to question
your preparedness. Biweekly drills help you familiarize family
personnel with your emergency response plan. Stock up on duct
tape.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A breathtaking sunrise reminds
you the end could come before dusk. Coordinate your personal
security efforts with local emergency personnel and law enforcement
agencies. Do not let your identity fall into enemy hands.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Seek creative new ways to
disguise your attractiveness as a potential terrorist target.
Be sure to exercise appropriate precautions in the event of
an unexpected romantic encounter. Avoid naked aggression.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Redirect your personal resources
to give priority to critical emergency needs. Treating yourself
to a canister of pepper spray can add zest to your paranoia.
Turn your stress about man's inherent capacity for evil into
positive energy.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The threat of media chatter
is heightened today. Follow established protocols when dealing
with the rhetoric of swarthy political extremists. News reports
of possible terrorist activity may be inaccurate or exaggerated.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Think twice before utilizing
free speech to criticize the government. Sacrificing a few
civil liberties will help the shadowy forces protect you.
Limit your contact with those who exhibit an unkempt appearance
or beady eyes.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) A moment of serenity will
likely be dashed by a sudden heightening of tension. Promptly
report any suspicious individuals or activity to the Department
of Homeland Security. Vigilance is next to godliness.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Going somewhere you've
never been could be asking for trouble. Restrict access to
your home and work environments to essential personnel only.
Don't succumb to a panic attack: Today's threat level for
apocalyptic doom is LOW.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Undertake further refinement
of household protective measures within the context of current
threat information. Unnecessary friendliness could cause unforeseen
complications. Fortify your perimeter.
Let phony horoscopes guide you
Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader
knows they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual
relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely
nonexistent.
But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit,
the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my
karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.
President cloned by Dr. Gene Meddler
By John Breneman
 Scientists
at the University of South Berwick announced today they have
successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears a striking
resemblance to President George W. Bush. The president sharply
criticized the scientific breakthrough as "morally wrong."
But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just as strongly that
human cloning is "morally right." This according
to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.
More...
 Letter
to the groom
I'm tying the knot this weekend. Below is a note I wrote
to a friend of mine a little while back when he was getting
married...
Dear Chris --
I'm thrilled and honored that you've asked me to be your
best man. I hope I can help in some small way to make your
wedding day unforgettable. Just got your tuxedo instructions
in the mail, but it turns out I won't need to be fitted after
all.
I have a wardrobe of about 15 custom tuxes for all occasions
but am having a new one tailored for your special day. I'm
sure you and Lisa won't mind that I have added a few flourishes.
It will be the traditional black velvet, of course, an Armani
"Monkey Suit" model with prehensile tails. I've
taken the liberty of adding a broad, white Formula One-style
racing stripe down my back, with the numerals 910 emblazoned
next to it. The suit is fire-retardant, of course, and conforms
to rigorous NASCAR safety specifications.
I've also added a trifle of raspberry wainscotting to the
jacket and faux alligator-skin ruffles to the legs of my see-through
Ralph Lauren pants.
I will be sporting a military-fatigue utility cummerbund,
with velcro pockets to accommodate my arsenal of weapons,
communications devices and intoxicants.
My bowtie is a little something I found at Weddingo's Novelty
Shoppe. It is fluorescent black and will spin around at a
rate of approximately 600 revolutions per minute.
 My
state-of-the-art neckwear will emit a high-pitched squealing
sound and shoot white sparks approximately five feet into
the air, but its force should not be sufficient to lift me
off the ground at any point during the ceremony.
In recognition of my religious beliefs, I will have to insist
on wearing a 4-foot-tall chromium alloy cross around my neck,
encrusted with polished gravel and etched with the likenesses
of Pedro Martinez, Speed Racer and Jesus.
I plan to wear my favorite Indonesian-rules kickboxing gloves,
if that is OK, and my steel-toed platform Doc Marten boots.
Black, of course.
I've created a lovely organic cauliflower boutonniere, but
am waffling on whether to wear my "Whack Iraq" stickpin.
The timeless elegance of matching 4-carat diamond tongue
and nose studs should round out the ensemble quite nicely,
I think.
I guess that's about it -- other than my Jose Cuervo eyepatch,
my 3-foot-tall Dr. Seuss top hat and my fire-red "Congratulations
Chris and Lisa" neck tattoo.
Looking forward to the big day!
PS -- Just let me know if you want me to take care of the
wedding cake.
John
Bush received faulty intelligence from
God
 By
John Breneman
A Senate panel not only determined the U.S. used bad information
to justify the war in Iraq, it also weighed in on a report
that President Bush may have received faulty intelligence
from God.
Bush, who claims to have consulted the Lord before making
the decision to go to war, said God convinced him that Iraq
had weapons of mass destruction and told him Saddam Hussein
was a "madman" and a "freedom-hating thug."
When asked specifically if Hussein was connected to al Qaeda,
Bush said the Creator-in-Chief responded, "Yep."
But the Senate panel investigating pre-war intelligence said
that, even though the president talks about religion a lot
and ends every speech with the words "God Bless America,"
it could find no direct link between President Bush and the
Lord.
However, Vice President Dick Cheney defended a possible White
House-Heaven link, saying the absence of documentation that
Bush talked directly to God does not mean such a meeting did
not take place.
Washington observers say the possibility that Bush got bad
intelligence from "the man upstairs" has not diminished
the president's faith in God. Bush has resisted pressure to
dump the Lord from his Cabinet and said the omnipotent deity
is doing "a fabulous job."
Supporters say they cannot blame Bush for faulty intelligence
about Iraq's weapons if it came directly from the great warrior
in the sky. Democrats, however, claim the intelligence failure
between Bush and the Lord dates back as early as 1946, when
God created the future president.
Hussein attorneys claim he's insane
 By
John Breneman
Legal analysts say Saddam Hussein plans to fight charges
of war crimes and genocide by pleading temporary insanity.
"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said
the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do
not like green eggs and ham."
Hussein told an Iraqi judge that he is also a CIA hitman,
a Mesopotamian deity and a porn star known by the stage name
Dick Tater. The desperate Hussein also claimed he partied
with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back in 1983-84.
Noted legal superstar Johnnie Cochran told Don Imus that
he told Oprah that Hussein's insanity defense is bolstered
by the fact that President Bush has called him a "madman"
approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 1, 2001.
But White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded that
Bush used the term "rhetorically," much like the
words "grave and gathering threat," "weapons
of mass destruction" and "links to al Qaeda."
McClellan reminded reporters that God had specifically instructed
President Bush to take over Iraq and fulfill his destiny as
a war president, even if it meant getting thousands of people
killed.
Hussein defense attorney F. Lee Chalabi said his client has
been a "nutjob" since 1988 when he accidentally
inhaled some mustard gas while wiping out some infidels. His
legal team estimates the American media has referred to Hussein
as the "wacky Iraqi" an estimated 2.4 million times.
"This
is all theater. The real criminal is Bush," a
defiant Hussein told the judge while swatting away imaginary
fruit flies and humming "U Can't Touch This" by
M.C. Hammer.
"Hussein. Rhymes with 'insane'. Can you dig it?"
concluded the wacky Iraqi madman.
 Bereaved
Bush takes Saddam's gun on three-country rampage
By John Breneman
Cowboy
diplomacy. How come when Ronald Reagan did it -- "Make
my day," "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down the wall"
-- it sounded cool, bold, presidential?
But when George W. Bush swaggers into Clint Eastwood country
-- "Bring
'em on," "Dead
or alive" -- he sounds like some phony John Wayne
wannabe trying to prove he's a tough guy?
President Bush is taking Reagan's death pretty hard. The
Humor Gazette is reporting that Bush took his favorite new
Saddam
Hussein handgun on a three-country rampage over the
weekend, firing off shots and yelling "Eeee-haaah!!"
before crashing a stolen pickup on some loose soil in Pakistan.
Rush
Limbaugh called the president's joyride "a fraternity
prank" and said Bush was just blowing
off a little steam after a grueling week spent perfecting
his pronunciation of the word "sovereignty" for
the big day. Sources close to the president's inner actor
speculate that he went looking for Osama for a gunfight at
the Al Qaeda Corral.
Poor Bush. Even Reagan
had a military record. He killed a dozen Japs with
one steely glare, and 15 Krauts by sneering "Make my
day." Not really. "Eyesight difficulties" limited
his duty to in the Army's elite movie-making unit. The Hollywood
soldier also served as Cmdr. Casey Abbott, captain
of the USS Starfish, in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957).
Somebody should write a movie for Bush. You know he'd love
to do an Eastwood or Wayne flick. Or best of all, a Reagan
remake. I'm working on scripts for "Hellcats of the National
Guard" and "Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan won
fame in "Knute Rockne, All American." Bush played
an ex-president's idiot son in "Newt Gingrich, All American."
And so the nation mourns. Here's hoping the Reagan children
don't fight too much over who gets Reagan Washington National
Airport.
President nominated for Purple Chin award
 By
John Breneman
 President
Bush has been nominated for a Purple Chin award for being
injured in the line of duty during his May 22 mountain bike
tumble. The commander-in-chief reportedly was thinking about
ways to fix his bone-headed war without admitting any mistakes
when he hit a loose patch of dirt.
Critics dismissed it as a silly attempt to beef
up his pathetic military record, first as a flighty National
Guard pilot and now as a bumbling war boss foolish enough
to don a flightsuit and pose with a bogus "Mission Accomplished"
banner.
Bush, who nearly made the ultimate sacrifice
after choking on a pretzel in January 2002, also fell off
a hi-tech Segway scooter in June 2003, and dropped his pooch
Barney on its head last September.
Media analysts differ on what the president
might do for his next zany stunt. One suggested he parachute
into a U.S. military compound in Iraq carrying a fake turkey
for the troops. Another said he should accidentally shoot
himself in the foot at an NRA fundraiser to divert attention
from his malfeasant handling of the war.
Critics
claim Bush evaded Boy Scout duty
U.S. at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl
 By
John Breneman The
U.S. has received credible "chatter" that al-Qaida
may or may not try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to
1,200 days, perhaps using a plane, a train, acid rain …
or worse, a giant man-eating pterodactyl. Justice Department
wacko John Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing
that Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered
Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft
denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract
Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war
and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to
reveal the source of his information but said it definitely
was not Ahmad Chalabi. MORE
 Study
shows alcohol
effective against sobriety
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