Fistful of Jelly Beans
By John Breneman
The presidency, The Gipper now reminds us, is performance
art.
And so George Bush, badly miscast as leader of the free world,
plays President George W. Bush -- part action hero, part villain,
part Burt Reynolds ham -- with a devious twinkle and a trillion-dollar
smirk.
It is no secret that to faithfully execute their duties as
Infotainers-in-Chief, both men have drawn inspiration from
iconic movie strongmen Clint Eastwood and John Wayne.
Dutch did Dirty Harry. "Make my day."
Bush does the Duke. "Dead or alive."
You with me, punk?
It's Dutch, the Duke, Josey and George.
And it can get a little confusing.
Did Reagan star in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957)?
Or was it Bush in "Hellcat of the National Guard"
(1972)?
Was it Wayne in "Sands of Iwo Jima" or W. in "Sands
of Mesopotamia"?
John showed us "How the West Was Won" and the West
won the Cold War with Ron.
Clint gripped his "Fistful of Dollars," Ronnie his
"Fistful of Jelly Beans."
Mucho cowboy karma links the swaggering Duke to the Tumbleweed
Shrub.
Wayne played "The Lucky Texan" in 1934. Bush was
born into the same role in 1946.
Duke did "Back to Bataan." Bush, "Back to Baghdad."
Wayne personified "True Grit." Bush personifies
"True Git."
 Year
after year, Wayne rode the white horse in films whose titles
now haunt the White House. "Born Reckless" (1930),
"Two-Fisted Law" (1932), "Texas Terror"
(1935), "The Lawless Nineties" (1936), "They
Were Expendable" (1945), "Without Reservations"
(1946), "Angel and the Badman" (1947), "Plunder
of the Sun" (1953), "Trouble Along the Way"
(1953), "The High and the Mighty" (1954), "Blood
Alley" (1955), "The Conqueror" (1956), "Circus
World" (1964), "Cast a Giant Shadow" (1966)
and "Hellfighters" (1968).
You get my meaning, Pilgrim?
Once those tinhorn judges named Bush sheriff he headed East,
Eastwood-style, packing a "Fistful of Tax Cuts,"
trigger finger on his .44 Magnum, itching to bust Saddam Hussein
"Every Which Way But Loose." The star of "Sudden
Impact" has had more than a subtle impact on the failed
Texas oilman turned international enforcer.
Clint's movie titles, too, echo through the Bush filmography.
"Revenge of the Creature" (1955), "The Beguiled"
(1971), "The Dead Pool" (1988), "White Hunter,
Black Heart" (1990), "Absolute Power" (1997),
"True Crime" (1999) and "Space Cowboys"
(2000).
"The Good, the Bad and the Axis of Evil."
 From
Knute Rockne to Newt Gingrich, Dutch and W. cross paths along
the dusty trail. Rancher Reagan's brand was the Silver Screen,
Bush's the Silver Spoon. Ronnie instinctively knew when it
was "Bedtime for Bonzo." Not so with Georgie and
"Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan ordered Mr. Gorbachev
to "tear down this wall." The wall Mr. Bush wants
demolished separates Church and State.
The Hollywood airbrush could never mask all of Ronald Reagan's
warts. But he seemed sincere when he evoked the spirit of
his 1943 short film "For God and Country." In President
Bush's script those words read more like a soundbite from
a spaghetti western.
Gazette 'endorses' Bush
Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in
Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising
president who is not afraid to take action in the face of
questionable intelligence -- a man capable of making profound,
far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and
reason.
Winning the White House's war in Iraq will require a
cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader
who doesn't give a Texas damn what other nations think of
us -- an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined
to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these
difficult times.
Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son
of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative
to talk about moral values than to actually embody them --
a folksy,
faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly
damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.
When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein
must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition.
He wisely heeded God's
instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a
hole and took him out.
The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving
dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become
more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up
naked in a pile?
Indeed, we know we are safer because -- though the wrath
of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment -- President
Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.
Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction
and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any
good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering
Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium
yellow cake and eat it too.
Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you're
with us or you're with the terrorists" don't these people
understand?
Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000
young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over
a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we
say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World
a safer place.
 Critics
may seize upon some of the
president's words to paint him as a thick-headed,
born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit
for his job as leader of the free world. Some
even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively
symbolic word "nuclear."
But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are
innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop
thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance
against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration's
actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that
this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy
that he continued to read "My
Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of
the Sept. 11 attacks.
Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels
and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words
like "malfeasance" and "subliminible."
So what if he has five ways to say "Abu
Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin
Laden?
The important thing is he believes he has the ability to
communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained
by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given
right of each fetus to own a gun.
We must not let some decorated military "hero"
cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy
service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe
for debauchery.
See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that
his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise
taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp
out family values.
Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper
fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks
about the horrors of war?
President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he
completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that
there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly
no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.
Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new
while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell
research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society,
gay marriage.
And so, as the most important election of our time draws near,
do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid independent
research that President Bush has harmed the economy with his
tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation's stature in the
eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands of American
and Iraqi lives.
As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay
the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the
terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.
So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity
in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands
that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president
whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the
White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.
John Breneman
Editor, Humor Gazette
 Lil'
evil-doer
DAY ONE of the Republican National Convention got
off to a strange start when President Bush grabbed a baby
and hoisted it over his head in traditional campaign style.
The adorable photo-op turned ugly, however, when the tyke
mocked the president by saying "Abu Ghraib," flawlessly,
then stinging the horrified commander-in-chief with a stream
of pee.
A Bush spokesman said a preliminary investigation revealed
the baby may have ties to John Kerry and likely breached security
by crawling under one of the loyalty oath/polygraph checkpoints
stationed at every entrance.
An official with the Kerry campaign denied responsibility,
then joked, "Looks like the terror alert has been lowered
to yellow."
Geraldo Rivera claims the baby is connected with a group
calling itself Lil' Tugboat Tooters for Twoof. But according
to al Jazeera, the incident is more likely an act of infanto-terrorism
perpetrated by an agent of the youthful al Qaeda fringe group,
al Cradle.
There are conflicting reports on the identity and whereabouts
of the baby, which was flung into the crowd by President Bush
then shackled and sent to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation.
In other convention news: Defense Secretary Rumsfeld has
asked for a legal ruling on whether hostile infants are subject
to the Geneva Conventions.
Today's Presidential Horoscopes
 John
Kerry
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -- Excessive wordiness
may distract people from fully understanding your mixed messages.
Future job prospects may hinge on your ability to expose a
well-liked adversary's pathological dishonesty. Be decisive.
 George
W. Bush
CANCER (June 21-July 22) -- Refuse to let facts and
common sense intrude on your vision of what is right. Affecting
a tough persona helps you compensate for feelings of intellectual
inadequacy. Don't be distracted by rising death tolls. Stay
the course.
See
more Horoscopes
A recent Humor Gazette tracking poll reveals that
83% of all GOP voters say they support President George
W. Bush's strong leadership in waging the war on truth.
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Poll reveals Bush favored by
mushroom cloud enthusiasts
Below are the results of the latest Humor Gazette tracking
poll:
52% of registered voters say they feel
safer despite living in a "battleground state."
42% of Republican voters
say they believe Arnold Schwarzenegger will help President
Bush defeat the "terrorist girly men."
84% of feel safer under
Bush because he was so effective in preventing the 9/11 attacks
and capturing Osama bin Laden.
70% of brainwashed Republicans
believe President Bush's campaign pledge that John Kerry will
take all their money and let terrorists kill them.
92% of oil industry executives
say they feel safer under President Bush because he is not
afraid to wage war on the environment.
21% of conservative doomsday
enthusiasts say they support Bush because they are curious
to see what a mushroom cloud looks like.
86% of FOX News viewers
say Kerry is unfit for command because ... "flip-flop,"
"global test," and "gay daughter."
79% of FOX News viewers
believe the president is a stronger military leader than the
war hero Kerry, even though Bush ducked Vietnam then went
AWOL from the cushy National Guard post his daddy got him.
61% of all Worldwide Wrestling
Federation fans believe Teresa Heinz Kerry would shred Laura
Bush if a steel-cage First Lady catfight death-match were
held today.
74% of conservative pundits
believe Bush grimaced Kerry into submission in the first debate.
54% of Republicans support
Bush because they believe he is pro-Christ.
49% of Democrats oppose
Bush because they believe he is the anti-Christ.
 81%
of all southern Republicans believe the words "Massachusetts
liberal" mean "flip-flopping baby-killer."
73% of young Republicans
say Bush has the edge due to his experience as a fraternity
president at the electoral college.
92% of all Americans believed
Bush when he promised to capture bin Laden "dead or alive."
62% believed Bush when
he said bin Laden's best friend Saddam Hussein definitely
had weapons of mass destruction.
41% of GOP propaganda
enthusiasts believed President Bush when he dressed up in
a military flightsuit and said "Mission Accomplished."
63% of Democrats think
stem-cell research offers hope for a cure to President Bush's
rare form of cerebral dysfunction.
87% of registered voters
aren't sure if they live in a red state or a blue state.
Finally, approximately 50 percent of all voters appear
to have been hoodwinked by the most dangerous American president
of all time.
 Did
Bush's silver spoon cause forked tongue?
By
John Breneman
Even if the latest rumor is true, supporters say, President
Bush will not be the first Washington politician to speak
with a forked tongue. The state of the president's tongue
has provoked wild speculation, with critics saying Bush's
snake-like appendage proves he has been deceiving the American
people.
After insisting that intelligence fall guy George Tenet resigned
for "personal
reasons" (yeah, that's it), Bush was tight-lipped
on the forked tongue issue. When asked directly, he hissed
at speculation that his tongue has split down the middle,
either from habitual lying or from years of rubbing against
the silver spoon that has been lodged in his mouth since birth.
MORE
President nominated for Purple Chin award
 By
John Breneman
 President
Bush has been nominated for a Purple Chin award for being
injured in the line of duty during his May 22 mountain bike
tumble. The commander-in-chief reportedly was thinking about
ways to fix his bone-headed war without admitting any mistakes
when he hit a loose patch of dirt.
Critics dismissed it as a silly attempt to beef
up his pathetic military record, first as a flighty National
Guard pilot and now as a bumbling war boss foolish enough
to don a flightsuit and pose with a bogus "Mission Accomplished"
banner.
Bush, who nearly made the ultimate sacrifice
after choking on a pretzel in January 2002, also fell off
a hi-tech Segway scooter in June 2003, and dropped his pooch
Barney on its head last September.
Media analysts differ on what the president
might do for his next zany stunt. One suggested he parachute
into a U.S. military compound in Iraq carrying a fake turkey
for the troops. Another said he should accidentally shoot
himself in the foot at an NRA fundraiser to divert attention
from his malfeasant handling of the war.
Critics
claim Bush evaded Boy Scout duty
 Presidential
punching bag
By John Breneman
Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser?
Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?
You’d never do it for real, of course, but wouldn’t
it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old
1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?
Well, now you can. At www.bushbops.com.
The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes
a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with
Bush-whacking sound effects.
In this corner … from Crawford,
Texas … weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds … wearing
a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin … GEORGE! …
W! …BUSH!!!
And in this corner … from Main
Street, USA … mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna
take it anymore … YOU!
It’s wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff!
Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click
your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole,
his thorax and malignant
fib-nose.
A lot of people want to “Beat Bush” these days,
some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical
you can order
the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum
below the belt like his henchmen have done to John “Coulda
Been a Contender” Kerry.
But wait, there’s more! You can dope slap this dope
for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on
the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.
Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he can’t
duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD
wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one
America now has in the eyes of the world.
No boxing experience necessary. Bring
him on!
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