Bereaved Bush takes Saddam's gun on three-country rampage

By John Breneman

Cowboy diplomacy. How come when Ronald Reagan did it -- "Make my day," "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down the wall" -- it sounded cool, bold, presidential?

But when George W. Bush swaggers into Clint Eastwood country -- "Bring 'em on," "Dead or alive" -- he sounds like some phony John Wayne wannabe trying to prove he's a tough guy?

President Bush is taking Reagan's death pretty hard. The Humor Gazette is reporting that Bush took his favorite new Saddam Hussein handgun on a three-country rampage over the weekend, firing off shots and yelling "Eeee-haaah!!" before crashing a stolen pickup on some loose soil in Pakistan.

Rush Limbaugh called the president's joyride "a fraternity prank" and said Bush was just blowing off a little steam after a grueling week spent perfecting his pronunciation of the word "sovereignty" for the big day. Sources close to the president's inner actor speculate that he went looking for Osama for a gunfight at the Al Qaeda Corral.

Poor Bush. Even Reagan had a military record. He killed a dozen Japs with one steely glare, and 15 Krauts by sneering "Make my day." Not really. "Eyesight difficulties" limited his duty to in the Army's elite movie-making unit. The Hollywood soldier also served as Cmdr. Casey Abbott, captain of the USS Starfish, in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957).

Somebody should write a movie for Bush. You know he'd love to do an Eastwood or Wayne flick. Or best of all, a Reagan remake. I'm working on scripts for "Hellcats of the National Guard" and "Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan won fame in "Knute Rockne, All American." Bush played an ex-president's idiot son in "Newt Gingrich, All American."

And so the nation mourns. Here's hoping the Reagan children don't fight too much over who gets Reagan Washington National Airport.

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Did Bush's silver spoon cause forked tongue?

By John Breneman

Even if the latest rumor is true, supporters say, President Bush will not be the first Washington politician to speak with a forked tongue. The state of the president's tongue has provoked wild speculation, with critics saying Bush's snake-like appendage proves he has been deceiving the American people.

After insisting that intelligence fall guy George Tenet resigned for "personal reasons" (yeah, that's it), Bush was tight-lipped on the forked tongue issue. When asked directly, he hissed at speculation that his tongue has split down the middle, either from habitual lying or from years of rubbing against the silver spoon that has been lodged in his mouth since birth.

A source close to the president's piehole said that if Bush is forced to confront the forked-tongue issue, he will claim he injured his tongue last month when he fell off his bike. However, a bipartisan expert in political linguistics said it is more likely the president's condition is caused by the cumulative strain of playing fast and loose with the truth.

"Even the most adept prevaricator cannot expect to escape the severe tongue trauma associated with, say, telling millions of people you knew Saddam Hussein had weapons and even knew where some of them were," said Dr. Chad Lickett, an eye, ear, nose, throat and tongue specialist at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

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"Even minor truth-fudging - like telling everyone you look forward to meeting with the 9/11 commission, or pretending you want the truth to come out about who leaked the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame - can take its toll," he said.

Doctors say the condition will not hinder the president's cold-blooded approach to foreign affairs and may actually enhance his natural ability to claim he supports certain programs and then slash funding. (For more information about the president's unfortunate affliction, see BushLies.net, BushWatch.com, MoveOn.org, CommonDreams.org, Misleader.org, or dozens of other Web sites.)

Linguistic analysts also suggest that President Bush's forked tongue and silver spoon may also account for his bumbling oratorical style. Other notable presidents who have suffered from forked-tongue syndrome include Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon.

David Corn, author of "The Lies of George W. Bush," documents the president's falsehoods on tax cuts, the environment, the war on terror and best of all, his claim to be a candidate who could restore honor and integrity to the post-Clinton White House.

President nominated for Purple Chin award

By John Breneman

President Bush has been nominated for a Purple Chin award for being injured in the line of duty during his May 22 mountain bike tumble. The commander-in-chief reportedly was thinking about ways to fix his bone-headed war without admitting any mistakes when he hit a loose patch of dirt.

Critics dismissed it as a silly attempt to beef up his pathetic military record, first as a flighty National Guard pilot and now as a bumbling war boss foolish enough to don a flightsuit and pose with a bogus "Mission Accomplished" banner.

Bush, who nearly made the ultimate sacrifice after choking on a pretzel in January 2002, also fell off a hi-tech Segway scooter in June 2003, and dropped his pooch Barney on its head last September.

Media analysts differ on what the president might do for his next zany stunt. One suggested he parachute into a U.S. military compound in Iraq carrying a fake turkey for the troops. Another said he should accidentally shoot himself in the foot at an NRA fundraiser to divert attention from his malfeasant handling of the war.

Critics claim Bush evaded Boy Scout duty

U.S. at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl

By John Breneman     The U.S. has received credible "chatter" that al-Qaida may or may not try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to 1,200 days, perhaps using a plane, a train, acid rain … or worse, a giant man-eating pterodactyl. Justice Department wacko John Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing that Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to reveal the source of his information but said it definitely was not Ahmad Chalabi.     MORE

Bush pledges Democracy R Us for Iraq

By John Breneman     As the clock tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point plan to boost his bum approval rating. Apart from some creative pronunciation of those pesky words "Abu Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us did not waver from reciting each word that had been written for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job for just $1.2 billion.)

Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based economy will be aided by a transitional Iraqi government comprised of guys who don't mind having a terrorist bull's eye painted on their headgear. National elections will come soon enough. But first it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians how to divert millions into their campaign war-chests and slime their opponents with negative ads. Presidential candidates will also need seminars on how to exploit family connections and use the Supreme Court to seize power.    MORE

Rummy's damage control
gift pack

By John Breneman

With some critics calling for him to be stripped naked and led out of the Pentagon on a dog leash, Donald Rumsfeld stepped up the campaign to save his skin by announcing a lavish compensation package (including Halliburton stock options and McDonalds gift certificates) for the victims of the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal.

"It's the right thing to do," the embattled Secretary of State told Congress. Poor guy. He'd never let on, of course, but it's got to bug him the way he botched the planning and execution of the war.

Now this horror show - set in a former Saddam hellhole, starring part-time soldiers not trained to be prison guards and stinking all the way to the top - may yet cost him his job as the president's guy in charge of getting people killed.

The despicable acts at Abu Ghraib have further scarred America's image around the globe. But Rummy's no dummy. He just spun the breakdown in human decency under his command as an opportunity to wow the world with another lesson on how a Democracy deals with evil-doers.

True to his word, Rumsfeld has assembled a generous package designed not only to salve Iraqi humiliation with material compensation but also to symbolize all that is good about America. Some of the items include:

- Self-esteem counseling from Dr. Phil
- Season tickets to the Texas Rangers baseball team
- Basketball lessons from noted Allah enthusiast Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
- Autographed copies of Bob Woodward's best-seller "Plan of Attack"
- Cameos in the next Ben Affleck-Arnold Schwarzenegger film, "The Armagedinator"
- Collectible "Spider-Man" action figures
- Official "I Got Abused at Abu Ghraib and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" sportswear
- Kodak Max disposable cameras
- Nike Air Jordans (made by skilled Indonesian craftschildren)
- A Mickey Mouse photo-op at Disneyland
- A gas-guzzling Hummer with a "George Bush is a Swell Guy" bumper sticker
- Allah-approved "Mission Accomplished" prayer mats
- "America's Funniest Prison Home Videos" on DVD
- A hand-written half-apology by Rumsfeld himself
- And samples of Levitra and Cialis to help put that spring back in their step

By John Breneman

Alarmed by a recent poll in which 75 percent of U.S. teenagers identified Bush as a snotty British rock 'n' roll band and Jesus as a shortstop for the Angels, President Bush today unveiled a faith-based educational initiative called "No Slacker Left Behind."

Bush plans to reinvigorate the teaching of Civics in the nation's classrooms, having learned that students in the same survey identified Civics as "those cars made by those Japanese dudes." Today's young people, he said, are ignorant about the basics of Democracy and the role of God in American politics.

"Some of these children have never even heard of the Rebelutionary War or the Defecation of Independence," said the president. "Why, in my day, the teachers nurtured our patriotism with stories of the founding fathers -- great men like Thomas Washington and George Jefferson."

Asserting that high school students must be taught the obligations of citizenship and God's important role in politics even if it means using corporal punishment, the president pledged $120 million in funding for steel rulers to discipline those who refuse to chant the "Pledge of Allegiance" and said accountability could be measured using oak yardsticks.

"These kids today need to learn why it is so vital that they exercise their right to vote for the pro-life Republican candidate of their choice," the president continued. "Many of them do not even realize that their God-given duty to carry a gun begins in the womb."

President Bush also suggested that grade-school children could be taught American values using colorful "White House Action Figures" like Ninja Dick Cheney, Rumblin' Rummy Rumsfeld with Kung Fu Grip.

Study shows alcohol
effective against sobriety

By John Breneman

A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating the pain and discomfort of sobriety.

A team of researchers at Dartmouth's renowned Tappa Kegga Dei fraternity discovered that moderate to heavy consumption of alcohol provides fast temporary relief from the mental and emotional anguish caused by a world gone haywire with George W. Bush at the helm.

"The number of Americans suffering heightened stress and right-brain migraines has skyrocketed under the current administration," said Dr. Jack Daniels of the Tennessee Bourbon Institute. "Alcohol, booze in layman's terms, can produce an effect medical professionals call 'taking the edge off' or even induce a euphoric semi-conscious state if desired."

The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen by 40% in the year since the president toasted his war victory with that intoxicating "Mission Accomplished" rotgut.

"Let's face it, things are looking pretty bleak. Hatred of America has exploded. All the president's men had a role in dragging us into a hellhole. Three shots of firewater, administered orally, can make the world a little less horrifying," said Professor Glen Livet of the Foundation for Moonshine Research.

Despite its therapeutic efficacy, alcohol consumed for medicinal or recreational purposes may produce a range of side effects, including but not limited to:

- Nausea
- Moronic behavior
- Involuntary stumbling
- Slurred speech and vocal spasm
- Loss of job
- Loss of wallet
- Loss of driver's license
- Beer belly
- Vietnam hangover
- Increased risk of yelling at the television
- Confusion about how gay weddings "threaten" traditional marriage
- General obnoxiousness
- Genital flacidity
- Heightened use of the term "I love you, man"

Presidential punching bag

By John Breneman

Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser? Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?

You’d never do it for real, of course, but wouldn’t it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old 1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?

Well, now you can. At www.bushbops.com. The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with Bush-whacking sound effects.

In this corner … from Crawford, Texas … weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds … wearing a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin … GEORGE! … W! …BUSH!!!

And in this corner … from Main Street, USA … mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna take it anymore … YOU!

It’s wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff! Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole, his thorax and malignant fib-nose.

A lot of people want to “Beat Bush” these days, some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical you can order the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum below the belt like his henchmen have done to John “Coulda Been a Contender” Kerry.

But wait, there’s more! You can dope slap this dope for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.

Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he can’t duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one America now has in the eyes of the world.

No boxing experience necessary. Bring him on!

New poll finds Jacko is wacko

Michael Jackson spent much of the week tweaking his legal team, his entourage and of course his appearance. The embattled pop star said his new "Extreme Patriotic Makeover" is intended to show solidarity with "my fans fighting in the bad and dangerous war."

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Jackson, who pleaded not guilty Friday to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor, dumped his attorneys saying he felt more comfortable being represented by "someone with long silky white hair." In other legal developments, Jackson insisted he could not be tried as an adult because he is actually a cosmetically altered, anatomically disturbed little Caucasian boy at heart. He also sought legal advice from Robert Blake and fired five aestheticians from his nose maintenance team.

The famed singer hired a ringmaster to preside over the media circus that follows him everywhere, whether he's moonwalking on a monster Hummer outside the courthouse or juggling Spiderman babies on a hotel balcony. Phineas T. Elephant-Bone is a veteran ringmaster whose clients have included Robert Downey Jr., Pamela Anderson and Tinky Winky.

Jackson also overhauled his entourage after seeking entourage advice from MC Hammer. He dumped the Nation of Islam and renounced his Muslin name (Jiggy al-Jacko) then briefly dabbled in Buddhism before turning Catholic to fully embrace his love of "Jesus juice."

Jackson admitted several family members back into his posse on a probationary basis. Also back in the fold are Macauley Culkin, Emmanuel Lewis and Pee-Wee Herman. Newcomers include Yao-Ming, Mini-Me and an unidentified chimp wearing a Gucci diaper.

Jackson reportedly has been spotted sipping hot chocolate with Diana Ross. Elizabeth Taylor is said to be mulling a photo-op. Gary Coleman is now handling security.

In a recent Humor Gazette poll, 82% of black respondents said Jackson is white and 18% of white respondents said he is black. Public opinion is split over whether Jackson is a sick child molester. But 93% "strongly agree" with the statement: "Something is terribly wrong with the crotch-grabbing former African American known as Michael Jackson, moonwalking that fine line between artistic genius and perverse insanity. Poor Jacko is wacko."

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