|
 Did
Bush's
silver spoon cause forked tongue?
By
John Breneman
Even if the latest rumor is true, supporters say, President
Bush will not be the first Washington politician to speak
with a forked
tongue. The state of the president's tongue has provoked
wild speculation, with critics saying Bush's snake-like appendage
proves he has been deceiving the American people.
After insisting that intelligence fall guy George Tenet resigned
for "personal
reasons" (yeah, that's it), Bush was tight-lipped
on the forked tongue issue. When asked directly, he hissed
at speculation that his tongue has split down the middle,
either from habitual
lying or from years of rubbing against the silver
spoon that has been lodged in his mouth since birth.
 A
source close to the president's piehole said that if Bush
is forced to confront the forked-tongue issue, he will claim
he injured his tongue last month when he fell off his bike.
However, a bipartisan expert in political linguistics said
it is more likely the president's condition is caused by the
cumulative strain of playing fast and loose with the truth.
"Even the most adept prevaricator cannot expect
to escape the severe tongue trauma associated with, say, telling
millions of people you knew Saddam Hussein had weapons and
even knew where some of them were," said Dr. Chad Lickett,
an eye, ear, nose, throat and tongue specialist at Bethesda
Naval Hospital.
"Even minor truth-fudging - like telling everyone you
look forward to meeting with the 9/11 commission, or pretending
you want the truth to come out about who leaked the identity
of CIA agent Valerie Plame - can take its toll," he said.
Doctors say the condition will not hinder the president's
cold-blooded approach to foreign affairs and may actually
enhance his natural ability to claim he supports certain programs
and then slash funding. (For more information about the president's
unfortunate affliction, see BushWatch.com,
MoveOn.org,
CommonDreams.org,
Misleader.org,
or dozens of other Web sites.)
Linguistic analysts also suggest that President Bush's forked
tongue and silver spoon may also account for his bumbling
oratorical style. Other notable presidents who have suffered
from forked-tongue syndrome include Bill Clinton and Richard
Nixon.
David Corn, author of "The Lies of George W. Bush,"
documents the president's falsehoods on tax cuts, the environment,
the war on terror and best of all, his claim to be a candidate
who could restore honor and integrity to the post-Clinton
White House.
President to receive Purple Chin award
 By
John Breneman
 President
Bush has been nominated for a Purple Chin award for being
injured in the line of duty during his May 22 mountain bike
tumble. The commander-in-chief reportedly was thinking about
ways to fix his bone-headed war without admitting any mistakes
when he hit a loose patch of dirt.
Critics dismissed it as a silly attempt to beef
up his pathetic military record, first as a flighty
National Guard pilot and now as a bumbling war boss
foolish enough to don a flightsuit and pose with a bogus "Mission
Accomplished" banner.
Bush, who nearly made the ultimate sacrifice
after choking on a pretzel
in January 2002, also fell off a hi-tech Segway
scooter in June 2003, and dropped his pooch Barney
on its head last September.
Media analysts differ on what the president
might do for his next zany stunt. One suggested he parachute
into a U.S. military compound in Iraq carrying a fake turkey
for the troops. Another said he should accidentally shoot
himself in the foot at an NRA fundraiser to divert attention
from his malfeasant handling of the war.
Critics
claim Bush evaded Boy Scout duty
U.S. at risk of pterodactyl attack
 By
John Breneman
The U.S. has received
credible "chatter" that al-Qaida may or may not
try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to 1,200 days, perhaps
using a plane, a train, acid rain … or worse, a giant
man-eating pterodactyl. Justice Department wacko John
Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing that
Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered
Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft
denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract
Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war
and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to
reveal the source of his information but said it definitely
was not Ahmad
Chalabi. MORE
 Bush
pledges Democracy R Us
for Iraq
By
John Breneman As the clock
tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to
a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point
plan to boost his bum
approval rating. Apart from some creative pronunciation
of those pesky words "Abu
Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us
did not waver from reciting each word that had been written
for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious
torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job
for just $1.2 billion.)
Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based
economy will be aided by a transitional Iraqi government
comprised of guys who don't mind having a terrorist bull's
eye painted on their headgear. National elections will come
soon enough. But first it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians
how to divert millions into their campaign war-chests and
slime their opponents with negative ads. Presidential candidates
will also need seminars on how to exploit family connections
and use the Supreme Court to seize power. MORE
Rummy's damage control gift pack
By
John Breneman
With some critics calling for him to be stripped naked and
led out of the Pentagon on a dog leash, Donald
Rumsfeld stepped up the campaign to save his skin
by announcing a lavish compensation package (including Halliburton
stock options and McDonalds gift certificates) for the victims
of the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal.
"It's the right thing to do," the embattled Secretary
of State told Congress. Poor guy. He'd never let on, of course,
but it's got to bug him the way he botched the planning and
execution of the war.
Now this horror show - set in a former Saddam hellhole, starring
part-time soldiers not trained to be prison guards and stinking
all the way to the top - may yet cost him his job as the president's
guy in charge of getting
people killed.
The despicable acts at Abu
Ghraib have further scarred America's image around
the globe. But Rummy's no dummy. He just spun the breakdown
in human decency under his command as an opportunity to wow
the world with another lesson on how a Democracy deals with
evil-doers.
True to his word, Rumsfeld has assembled a generous package
designed not only to salve Iraqi humiliation with material
compensation but also to symbolize all that is good about
America. Some of the items include:
- Self-esteem counseling from Dr. Phil
- Season tickets to the
Texas Rangers baseball team
- Basketball lessons from noted Allah enthusiast Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar
- Autographed copies of Bob Woodward's best-seller "Plan
of Attack"
- Cameos in the next Ben
Affleck-Arnold
Schwarzenegger film, "The Armagedinator"
- Collectible "Spider-Man" action figures
- Official "I Got Abused at Abu Ghraib and All I Got
Was This Lousy T-Shirt" sportswear
- Kodak Max disposable cameras
- Nike Air Jordans (made by skilled Indonesian craftschildren)
- A Mickey Mouse photo-op at Disneyland
- A gas-guzzling Hummer with a "George Bush is a Swell
Guy" bumper sticker
- Allah-approved "Mission Accomplished" prayer mats
- "America's Funniest Prison Home Videos"
on DVD
- A hand-written half-apology by Rumsfeld himself
- And samples of Levitra and Cialis to help put that spring
back in their step
 Study
shows alcohol
effective against sobriety
By John Breneman
A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine
reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating
the pain and discomfort of sobriety.
A team of researchers at Dartmouth's renowned Tappa Kegga
Dei fraternity discovered that moderate to heavy consumption
of alcohol provides fast temporary relief from the mental
and emotional anguish caused by a world gone haywire with
George
W. Bush at the helm.
 "The
number of Americans suffering heightened stress and right-brain
migraines has skyrocketed under the current administration,"
said Dr. Jack Daniels of the Tennessee Bourbon Institute.
"Alcohol, booze in layman's terms, can produce an effect
medical professionals call 'taking the edge off' or even induce
a euphoric semi-conscious state if desired."
The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen
by 40% in the year since the president toasted his war victory
with that intoxicating "Mission Accomplished" rotgut.
"Let's face it, things are looking pretty bleak. Hatred
of America has exploded. All the president's men had
a role in dragging us into a hellhole. Three shots of firewater,
administered orally, can make the world a little less horrifying,"
said Professor Glen Livet of the Foundation for Moonshine
Research.
Despite its therapeutic efficacy, alcohol consumed for medicinal
or recreational purposes may produce a range of side effects,
including but not limited to:
- Nausea
- Moronic behavior
- Involuntary stumbling
- Slurred speech and vocal spasm
- Loss of job
- Loss of wallet
- Loss of driver's license
- Beer belly
- Vietnam hangover
- Increased risk of yelling at the television
- Confusion about how gay weddings "threaten" traditional
marriage
- General obnoxiousness
- Genital flacidity
- Heightened use of the term "I love you, man"
 Presidential
punching bag
By John Breneman
Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser?
Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?
You’d never do it for real, of course, but wouldn’t
it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old
1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?
Well, now you can. At BushBops.com.
The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes
a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with
Bush-whacking sound effects.
In this corner … from Crawford,
Texas … weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds … wearing
a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin … GEORGE! …
W! …BUSH!!!
And in this corner … from Main
Street, USA … mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna
take it anymore … YOU!
It’s wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff!
Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click
your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole,
his thorax and malignant
fib-nose.
A lot of people want to “Beat Bush” these days,
some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical
you can order
the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum
below the belt like his henchmen have done to John “Coulda
Been a Contender” Kerry.
But wait, there’s more! You can dope slap this dope
for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on
the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.
Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he can’t
duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD
wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one
America now has in the eyes of the world.
No boxing experience necessary. Bring
him on!
Bush says terrorists are behind Newsweek
approval rating poll
By
John Breneman
President
Bush said today that his record-low 42% approval rating
"sends the wrong message to our troops" and accused
unpatriotic poll respondents of trying to "weaken our
resolve."
Bush would not rule out using the Patriot Act to "smoke
out" those who believe he might have made a mistake.
In his strongest statement yet about the Newsweek
survey, Bush grinned and said, "I doesn't read
Newsweek." Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld agreed,
but acknowledged that he sometimes uses the magazine to wipe
his butt. The
New Yorker, too.
"The actions of these few bad apples do not represent
the America that I know," Bush said of his Newsweek naysayers.
The trusted advisers who feed him his news have assured him
that his approval rating is a robust 91% among right-wing
chickenhawks
and Halliburton executives.
Bush declined comment on a survey that showed his approval
rating has slipped to just 9% among people who don't live
in America and a paltry 1% among naked, dog-leashed Iraqi
detainees. The president's approval numbers are holding firm
at 0% among parents whose soldier-children have been killed
in his mistake-free war.
The good news is that Bush's approval rating is 94% among
those who believe it was a super idea to bust into Iraq with
no concern about alienating the rest of the world, no clue
that the welcome parade would be a funeral procession, no
idea that it would actually fuel the international terrorist
movement and no plan to stabilize this ethnically and religiously
complex nation and get the hell out.
Meanwhile, a recent Humor Gazette poll asked readers to evaluate
the president in several other key area. The results:
-- Upheaval rating - 98%
-- Funereal rating - 86%
-- Cerebral rating - 81% (among those believe a president
shouldn't trouble himself with knowledge and clear-headed
analysis)
-- Marsupial rating - 74% (among those who enjoy using Photoshop
to paste Bush's head onto the bodies of koalas, wombats and
Tasmanian devils)
-- Theatrical rating - 91% (among fans of the "Mission
Accomplished" and Thanksgiving turkey
photo-ops)
-- Grammatical rating - 93% (among people not troubled by
the "Bushisms" found at www.dubyaspeak.com)
-- Surreal
rating - 100%
|
