Taylor Swift beats Jacko
at AMAs, media e-jacko-lation ensues
Stone-dead Michael
Jackson killed at the American Music Awards on Sunday
night, winning four pointy plastic phallic symbols for
the mantle at his multimillion-dollar hyperbaric burial
chamber in Jackson Hole.
Pretty young thing Taylor Swift, who beat
Dead Jacko for Artist of the Year, said: "To even
be mentioned in a category with Michael Jackson, who
we will miss and love forever, is both an unimaginable
honor and a little creepy."
Kanye West could not be reached for a
pompous self-aggrandizing comment.
In other highlights Lady Gaga performed
at a flaming piano, "in honor of that time Michael's
hair caught on fire."
Jackson joins Peter Pantheon
of 'Off the Wall' entertainers
Good
evening and welcome to Day 6 of our round-the-clock salute
to legendary pop star Michael Jackson.
I'm Humor Gazette news anchorman Reid Page … and this
is the 13 O'Clock News. (CLICK
to see VIDEO)
Since his death on Thursday at age 50, the media's nonstop,
over-the-top King of Pop coverage has been absolutely sensational.
But critics claim it is overshadowing such vital news stories
as the unrest in Iran, which has taken a violent turn as pro-Jackson
demonstrators clash with repressive anti-Jacko extremists.
Certain tabloids have aired rank speculation about whether
"Wacko Jacko OD'd on cracko," but we here at 13
O'Clock News have taken a more respectful tone in our coverage
of the only American entertainer ever to walk on the moon.
Idolized around the globe -- he is revered as Michael Jacko-san
in Japan and feared as El Jacko in parts of Venezuela -- few
could argue that his legacy places him in the Peter Pantheon
of beloved, yet deeply troubled artists.
And while we would be remiss not to acknowledge his unparalleled,
self-provoked contributions to the world of tasteless humor,
let the record show that Mr. Jackson -- honored at the White
House in 1984 by President Ronald Reagan for his work with
the Elephant Man -- is credited with pioneering breakthroughs
in the fields of plastic surgery, baby dangling and zombie
choreography.
His 1970 hit "ABC" is credited with teaching millions
of young children to learn the first three letters of the
alphabet.
The notoriously reclusive Mr. Jackson died just as he was
set to launch a London comeback tour with 50 sold-out shows.
Details were scarce, but CNN -- in a live broadcast from
its Neverland bureau -- reported that in addition to several
numbers featuring giraffes and albino backup dancers, Mr.
Jackson planned to take the stage with Jesse Jackson, former
"Charlie's Angel" Kate Jackson and singer Jackson
Browne in a Jackson-studded salute to Jacksonian democracy
… with a portion of the proceeds benefiting the Shoeless
Joe Jackson Foundation.
Mr. Jackson endured a difficult and traumatic perpetual childhood
-- from vicious beatings at the hands of his father and years
of ridicule from media "haters," to being set on
fire by Pepsi in 1984.
His
valiant attempts to live a so-called normal life included
marrying the daughter of Elvis Presley and palling around
with chimpanzees, parasitic enablers and Liza Minelli.
He is survived by three children -- Gloved One Jr., Prince
Albert-In-A-Can and Electric Blanket Jackson.
Creepy eccentricities aside, this singular pop singer-slash-icon
will be remembered as a sensitive and compassionate being
who donated millions to charity, and as an outspoken advocate
for peace and racial harmony.
On a personal note: Ever since this reporter, as a child
himself, saw a young
Michael Jackson perform on TV, he has appreciated
-- and felt first-hand -- this gifted, tragically flawed artist's
electrifying ability to use music to touch the human soul.
With enduring respect for Michael Joseph Jackson, I'm 13
O'Clock News anchorman Reid Page.
Health-care reform rhetoric
may be hazardous to your health
By
John Breneman
As the debate over health-care reform becomes more feverish,
polls show a majority of Americans are getting a migraine from
listening to politicians who are more concerned with the well-being
of greedy health-care corporations the health of the American
people.
"13 O'Clock News" chief medical correspondent,
Dr. Bill Payne, reports that other side effects of prolonged
exposure to health-care rhetoric may include:
Other
side effects:
Cold sweats, hot flashes, inflammation of the wallet, varicose
brain, greased palm, clubfoot, hammer toe, housemaid's knee,
rainbow gout, rickets, rabies and shingles.
Other risks may include:
Whooping cough, congressional meningitis, moral obesity, SpongeBob
SquarePants disorder, Irritable Pundit Syndrome, male-pattern
hypocrisy and spastic Rush Lymphoma grandiosis.
Philosophic thrombosis, ethical psoriasis, fudge sickle-cell
anemia, hepatitis ABCDEF&G, temporary insanity, malignant
media brainwashing and esophageal bloviation.
Finally:
The surgeon general has warned that additional side effects
of prolonged exposure to health-care rhetoric may include:
Delusions
of bipartisanism, idiopathic rhetorical sclerosis, misdiagnosed
socialism, bleeding heart, severe right-brain elephantiasis
and degenerative political malfeasance.
Twitter, the phenomenally popular social networking service,
faces a massive lawsuit that threatens to cripple its ability
to transmit millions of inane messages known as "tweets."
13 O'Clock News has learned that beloved cartoon icon Tweety
Bird is suing Twitter for $500 million. (See
VIDEO.)
Attorneys for diminutive yellow bird charge that Twitter,
whose logo is a diminutive blue bird, is guilty of "toppy-white
infwinz-ment" and theft of "inta-wectual pwa-puddy."
The suit also requests unspecified damages for "pain
and tuffawing."
A spokesman for Mr. Bird demanded that Twitter cease and
desist from using the term "tweet" in its business
practices -- claiming that it is confusing consumers and negatively
impacting the Tweety Bird product line of pajamas, lunchboxes,
fridge magnets, bobbleheads and speech impediment DVDs.
However, technology analysts say Mr. Bird may simply be hoping
to cash in on the meteoric micro-blogging service before it
is displaced by the next cyberspace flash-in-the-pan.
Studies show that many users quit Twittering after the first
15-30 minutes, and that Twitter is already losing ground to
such newly emerging rivals as Fritter, DillyDally, TimeSuck
and LollyGag.com.
And while supporters point to its vital role spreading real-time
information about the unrest in Iran, critics say the service
is used primarily by time-wasting tech nerds to share news
of their latest bowel movement, and by pompous celebrities
to validate their gargantuan egos.
Other new services vying to become the next big thing include:
WhySpace, Babble, iChatter and Spammy.
Also: Yammer, BrainFreeze, SlackBerry and AssBook.
Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin definitely did NOT plagiarize Newt
Gingrich during a recent speech about Ronald Reagan. She Palin-ized
him.
Though Palin failed to mention that much of her 17-minute
speech was lifted from a 2005 article co-written by Gingrich,
she did acknowledge that, "Recently, Newt Gingrich, he
had written a good article about Reagan...."
While introducing Reagan's son Michael at a GOP event in
Alaska last Wednesday, Palin said Reagan taught us that, "courage
and persistence are keys to historic achievement." In
contrast, Gingrich credited Reagan with teaching that, "Courage
and persistence are the keys to historic achievement."
Palin also mentioned theGingrich
article a second time during her address -- and though
several passages appear
to be lifted directly from Gingrich's writing, supporters
say Palin sufficiently mangled the former House speaker's
words and threw in enough "you betchas" to claim
the ideas as her own.
After all, Palin was a college journalism major who was for
too smart to fall for Katie Couric's trick "gotcha"
questions about what she reads to stay so well-informed.
Critics who are fond of claiming that President Obama is
illiterate without a teleprompter pointed out that Palin was
not reading from ANY electronic devices whatsoever when she
said of Reagan:
"Reagan knew that real change and real change requiring
shaking things up and maybe takin' off the entrenched interest
thwarting the will of the people with their ignoring of our
concerns about future peril caused by selfish short-sighted
advocacy for growing government and digging more debt, and
taking away individual and state's rights and hampering opportunity
to responsibly develop our resources, and coddling those who
would seek to harm America and her allies."
A
little Reagan trickles down into the speeches of all Republican
politicians, but Palin's little Dutch treat showed she'll
do whatever it takes to be the GOP's new Cute Rockne.
In other efforts to appear Reaganesque, Palin announced that
she had just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever
and ordered the Alaska National Guard to begin bombing in
five minutes.
She also called on the repressive communist government of
China to "tear down that wall."
Former Vice President Dick Cheney has shot former counterterrorism
chief Richard Clarke in the face, metaphorically.
The attack came Monday as Cheney continued his daring, 50-state
propaganda spree at the National Press Club in Washington,
D.C.
Asked about a recent Clarke op-ed piece critical of the administration,
Cheney said, "You know, Dick Clarke. Dick Clarke, who
was the head of the counterrorism program in the run-up to
9/11. He obviously missed it."
Pow.
Cheney's muzzle-load of bull-shot richocheted straight into
the face of every American, especially those who know that
Richard Clarke spent the months leading up to 9/11 carpet-bombing
the White House with messages warning of an al-Qaeda attack,
begging unresponsive Bush officials to take heed.
Cheney blasted away at Clarke despite a smoking-gun
paper trail of correspondence from the counterterrorism
boss, including:
"Bin Ladin Public Profile May Presage Attack" (May
3, 2001)
"Bin Ladin's Networks' Plans Advancing" (May 26)
"Bin Ladin Attacks May Be Imminent" (June 23)
"Bin Ladin and Associates Making Near-Term Threats"
(June 25)
"Bin Ladin Planning High-Profile Attacks" (June
30)
"Planning for Bin Ladin Attacks Continues, Despite Delays"
(July 2)
And finally, unable to interest the White House in this urgent,
imminent peril, Clarke emailed Condoleezza Rice on Sept. 4,
2001, asking, "Are we serious about dealing with the
al-Qaeda threat?"
When reminded by the moderator of Clarke's well-documented
warnings, Cheney -- after a brief pause during which he decided
not to shoot the moderator in the face -- pretended he didn't
remember and then fired off a punch line, saying, "That's
not my recollection, but I haven't read his book."
Wow.
Cheney's magical revisionist history tour -- a series of
guerrilla TV appearances intended to cement his legacy as
America's spine-chilling, unrepentant torturer-in-chief --
is apparently having an impact.
As the truth continues to ooze out about the Cheney gang's
dark White House, polls show that 82% of Americans admit being
scared that Cheney might come to their house late at night
and strangle them in their sleep.
Conservative pundits Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich announced
today they strongly support elevating federal appeals court
Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court … as its cleaning
lady.
Sotomayor has been branded a racist by both men -- Gingrich,
the former Tweeter of the House, and Limbaugh one of the nation's
leading producers of racist rhetoric.
The judge stands to become the first Hispanic justice to serve
on the High Court, but because she was nominated by President
Obama, some on the far right believe it is their duty to trash
Sotomayor by any means necessary -- part of their mission
to purge the Republican Party of everyone except rich conservative
honkies.
Former Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo, whose anti-immigrant
2008 presidential run was hailed by those who share his Archie
Bunker mentality, said Sotomayor was a member of the "Latino
KKK" and offered to burn her house down in the middle
of the night.
Obama's selection of Sotomayor has also disappointed some
on the left who hoped he would be more aggressive about adding
diversity to the court by picking the nation's first openly
gay Haitian-Japanese transvestite albino Orthodox Pagan jurist.
Also troubling to some analysts, Sotomayor's judicial record
reveals no indication how she would rule when the inevitable
"John & Kate Plus Eight" divorce case reaches
the high court.
Other critics say Sotomayor's record on the bench raises
concerns that she might be a strict neo-originalistic pro-Darwinian
reconstructionist.
However, supporters say she is supremely well-qualified.
Her favorite musical group is The Supremes and she subsists
primarily on Pizza Hut Super Supreme pizza, though there is
little or no paper trail on what toppings she prefers. She
also has a cat named Oliver Wendell Holmes and a schnauzer
named Brown vs. the Board of Education.
Her
idol is said to be the distinguished former Chief Justice
Joseph Albert Wapner and she once did pro bono work for Sonny
Bono.
Senate Republicans are expected to employ a variety of tactics
-- intense questioning, badgering, tickling, sodium pentathol
and waterboarding -- to grill her about her stance on Roe
v. Wade, Donkey v. Elephant, Paper v. Plastic and the People
vs. Pea-Brained Satirists.
Henry Winkler, best known for playing hoodlum Arthur Fonzarelli
on the 1970s sitcom "Happy Days," has allegedly
swindled millions from his former cast mates in what police
are calling a full-blown Hollywood "Fonzie scheme."
Sources say Winkler/Fonzarelli used his roguish charm to
con his victims, often deflecting questions about their investments
by giving them the thumbs up and assuring them that everything
was "cool."
Anson Williams, who portrayed the dim-witted Potsie, reportedly
handed over his entire $1.6 million savings when Fonzarelli
simply looked at him and said, "Aaaaaay."
Oscar-winning
filmmaker Ron Howard also lost his shirt in the Fonzie scheme,
and actor Scott Baio lost his pants. Also duped were a husband
and wife identified in the federal indictment as "Mr.
and Mrs. C."
Donny Most, who played wise-cracking Ralph Malph back in
happier days, was also among those bilked by Winkler/Fonzarelli.
Said Most, "I assumed he could make stock-market fortunes
by just snapping his fingers."
Winkler/Fonzarelli, who was apprehended at Arnold's Drive-in
in Milwaukee wearing an Armani leather jacket, denied any
knowledge of the Fonzie scheme.
Fox News has announced that Alan Colmes will soon leave his
post as liberal co-host of "Hannity & Colmes."
As Fox decides whether to simply rename the show "Hannity
and More Hannity," one contender to replace Colmes is
underworld media pundit Frankie Goldchains, a former mob hit
man, rat and witness protection program consultant.
Sean, you ignorant schmuck! This here is Frankie Goldchains!!
Yeah, too bad about your boy Colmes. I heard he busted up
your little "Hannity & Colmes" sorority party.
So I'm taking Colmes' old job, see.
I got you figured out, Hannity. Right-wing pretty boy. …
You talk a big game, but I bet you got a glass jaw.
Day after Colmes leaves, I'm in your face like a frickin'
left-wing cage fighter. Bada-BOOM! Bada-BING! And don't expect
me to be some limp, lefty punching bag like old Colmesy there.
You smug millionaire gasbag. I'll smack that frickin' grin
off your makeup-caked piehole.
Fair and balanced, yeah right. You unbalanced fairy.
I'm gonna come down there … debate the crap outta you.
No more "Hannity & Colmes." From now on its
"Hannity & Goldchains," see. Wait, I got a new
name for you, Pinhead -- "Goldchains & Hannity"
!!!
If you love to hate Barack Obama, but don't know where to
turn now that 65 million Americans have cast their vote for
his bright, passionately expressed vision for our nation's
future, I have four letters for you -- WTKK (96.9 FM, Boston).
There, right-wing talk radio host Jay Severin exercised his
freedom of speech by playing a snippet of Obama's moving election-night
speech and offering this response to the president-elect:
"Go screw yourself."
This patriotic fellow's stated aim is "to politically
destroy Barack Obama ... to undermine and destroy his political
ability to govern or to have any hope of a successful administration."
Mr. Severin praises his listeners as "the best and brightest,"
while washing their brains with white noise about the boogie
man's love of socialism and terrorism. He smugly demeans Obama
supporters as "the young and otherwise ignorant."
His station bills itself as "Boston's Talk Evolution."
Sadly, my commute does not coincide with Mr. Severin's air
time. So to feed my curiosity about the media's de-evolution,
I instead subject myself to small doses of his colleague,
comedian Michael Graham, whose best punch line is calling
his program "The Natural Truth."
Echoing
the newest right-wing yakking point, Mr. Graham's post-election
shtick is to pretend he is being censored and oppressed by
"our liberal overlords."
Imploring listeners to "join the resistance," he
proclaimed that "talk radio is under assault." Now
that our totalitarian "dear leader" has assumed
power, Mr. Graham lamented, he can no longer utter the middle
name of "Barack You-Know-Who Obama."
Of course, he can say "Barack Hussein Obama" till
he's blue in the face. America still isn't falling for the
Muslim terrorist sympathizer routine.
On Friday, one of the Mr. Graham's first callers picked up
on his rhetoric about Obama's plan to help young people afford
college in exchange for military or community service. The
caller said the plan reminded her of Hitler youth in Nazi
Germany. Guess who plays Hitler in this scenario. (Clue: His
middle name is Hussein.)
That's
"The Natural Truth" for you -- America oppressed
by the evil Obama.
The "fair and balanced" crowd is sounding the alarm
that Obama and his godless, elite, liberal cronies are bent
on reinstituting something called the Fairness Doctrine, which
scares the right with language intended to hold extremists
on both sides accountable for their most egregious smears,
However, since Mr. Obama holds our Constitution in higher
regard than our current president, it is unlikely he would
tolerate restrictions on freedom of speech.
If anything, Obama's election is regarded as a boon to right-wing
talk radio. Now that he is in power, efforts to demonize him
-- or "politically destroy" him as Mr. Severin puts
it -- will be even more financially lucrative.
These self-styled mini-Rush Limbaughs are smart operators.
They figure the unimpeded flow of anti-Obama effluent is what
keeps them in a higher tax bracket than you, me and Joe the
Plumber.
* * * * *
Note: I invite defenders of Mr. Severin and Mr. Graham to
respond, but please understand that I am unequivocally against
censoring them or anyone else.
Also, thank you in advance for reminding me that I can change
the channel. Mr. Best & Brightest and Mr. Natural Truth
purport to facilitate a public discourse; I am simply responding
to their offer in a way that expresses my thoughts more fully
than would be possible on the radio.
New evidence has emerged linking Republican presidential
nominee John McCain with Canadian-based McCain Foods, the
world's leading producer of French fries.
A
group calling itself McCain Lovers For Obama has released
an anti-McCain attack ad charging that Sen. McCain is "in
the pocket of Big Potato," having taken billions from
"the Potato-Industrial Complex."
The ad features two iconic blue-collar voters, Joe Lunch-Bucket
and Tommy Twelve-Pack, discussing their love for McCain while
savoring a plate of McCain crinkle cut French fries.
The ad then blatantly attempts to "Swift Potato"
Sen. McCain with unsubstantiated "Tater-Gate" allegations.
John McCain for the last eight years has been "palling
around" with a man who nearly destroyed the United States
of America during his deadly reign of error, the mainstream
media has learned.
Emerging evidence links the Republican nominee with notorious
right-wing error kingpin Abu Dubya, whose international and
domestic malfeasance has harmed millions and cost taxpayers
trillions.
Pundits say McCain's close ties to Dubya, described as a
high-ranking member of the Bush-Cheney Underground, could
hurt him in his quest for the White House. Behind in the polls
and reeling from the nation's economic meltdown, McCain has
tried to distance himself from Dubya but has never repudiated
him.
Now McCain strategists have alerted the media they're suspending
discussion of the country's severe economic woes to focus
their full attention on smearing Sen. Obama.
Rather than think up some way to help millions of Amercians
gripped by economic distress, McCain dispatched co-maverick
VP pitbull Sarah Palin to stink up the campaign trail with
claims that Sen. Barack Obama "pals around with terrorists."
In addition to wielding Weather Underground radical William
Ayers as a weapon against Obama (who has denounced Ayers'
actions as "detestable"), the McCain camp is said
to possess footage of Obama's former pastor saying, "God
damn America."
Several days before gearing up the Swift Boat Express for
a fresh assault on Main Street, Gov. Palin, insisted at the
Oct. 2 vice presidential debate that Sen. McCain's past connections
to Abu Dubya should be off-limits.
"Say it ain't so, Joe, there you go again. … Now
doggone it, let's look ahead," urged Palin, who said
she wants "a little bit of reality from Wasilla Main
Street there, brought to Washington, D.C."
Sources
say Palin plans to introduce a series of homespun new policies
such as the Church-State United Act and No Joe Sixpack Left
Behind.
However, the Obama camp says McCain's relationship with the
enigmatic Dubya is not only relevant but "dangerous."
McCain aggressively campaigned to block Dubya's rise to power
in early 2000, but abruptly flip-flopped that May and was
soon photographed hugging the powerful error syndicate leader.
Critics say McCain helped advance the virulent Abu Dubya
economic ideology that brought the American financial sector
to its knees.
Abu Dubya also claims responsibility for:
-- spiking the pre-9/11 intelligence briefing "Bin Laden
determined to attack in U.S."
-- worsening the impact of a hurricane that wiped out a major
American city.
-- invading Iraq without provocation.
-- stealing billions from taxpayers and giving it to cronies.
Gov. Palin's bid to distract attention from the McCain-Dubya
connection includes a probe into whether she fired Alaska's
public safety commissioner because he refused to dismiss a
state trooper who was Palin's ex-brother-in-law.
Palin said that if she is "so blessed" to be elected,
she hopes to expand the power of the vice presidency to fire
U.S. attorneys, "activist judges" and maybe a couple
member of Congress.
Palin also assured the American people that, once elected,
she "wouldn't blink" on matters of "wiretappin',
toleratin' gays and getting' rid of that pesky women's right
to choose."
Sen. John McCain's dramatic decision Wednesday to suspend
his presidential campaign to rescue American voters from economic
doom is already reaping dividends -- it is decreasing likelihood
of an economically disastrous McCain presidency.
With his poll numbers plummeting, the "economic"
situation was so urgent that McCain canceled a taping with
David Letterman, probably an even bigger strategic blunder
than admitting Tuesday that he had not yet read the three-page
bailout proposal.
After praising McCain for his courage and heroism during
the Vietnam War, Letterman tortured the Republican nominee
with blunt comic instruments.
"You don't suspend your campaign," was Letterman's
machine-gun refrain. "Are we suspending it because there's
an economic crisis or because the poll numbers are sliding?"
Letterman said McCain phoned in to cancel with some excuse
about having to jet down to Washington to save the economy.
Then the late-night host pulled a "this just in"
and showed video of McCain down the street taping an interview
with Katie Couric.
"This just gets uglier and uglier," said Letterman,
who pretended to yell to McCain offering him a ride to the
airport.
"This doesn't smell right. This isn't the way a tested
hero behaves," Letterman had said earlier. "I think
someone's putting something in his Metamucil."
Letterman also skewered McCain's media quarantine of running
mate Sarah Palin, saying that if McCain feels he's needed
in Washington he should simply call upon his "second-string
quarterback" to lead the campaign. What's the problem,
he asked. "Where is she?"
Letterman's nightly Top 10 List also mocked McCain with these
"Top 10 questions people are asking the McCain campaign":
#10:
I just contributed to your campaign -- how do I get a refund?
#8: Can't you solve this by selling some of your homes?
#6: Do you still think the fundamentals of our economy are
strong, genius?
#5: Are you doing all this just to get out of going on Letterman?
"First of all, the road to the White House runs through
me," Letterman reminded.
"What are you going to do if you're elected and things
get tough? Suspend being president? We've got a guy like that
now!" the late-night jokkernaut continued.
"Do you think he'll ever come back?" Letterman
asked sidekick Paul Shaffer.
"Not after the drubbing that you've just delivered."
Steven Colbert offered his customary ironic support of the
Republican, pointing out that when you're president you've
got to suspend a lot of things: "Habeas Corpus,"
for example.
And noted stand-up comic Sen. Chris Dodd, Democratic chairman
of the Senate Banking Committee, said McCain's gambit looks
like "more of a rescue plan for John McCain and not a
rescue plan for the economy."
McCain's rescue plan may have begun with an 8:30 Wednesday
morning call from the Obama camp proposing a calm joint statement
on the economic situation. Perhaps fearing that Obama might
be credited with reaching out, McCain went commando.
According to reports, he finally returned Obama's call at
2:30 p.m. and agreed to issue a joint statement. But moments
later he was announcing the suspension of his campaign and
challenging Obama to do the same. No word yet if McCain will
arrive at his Capitol Hill crisis-op by parachute.
He also proposed postponing his inevitable dismantling in
Friday's presidential debate, prompting Obama to respond,
"This is exactly the time the American people need to
hear from the person who in approximately 40 days will be
responsible for dealing with this mess."
Now, just as his campaign's strategic use of dishonesty has
begun to draw more media attention, McCain is taking blows
from the left and right charging blatant political opportunism
and just plain erratic behavior.
However,
McCain said there is no need to worry because the fundamentals
of his campaign are strong.
Noted
billionaire Thurston Howell III of "Gilligan's Island"
fame has thrown his support behind Sen. John MCain for president.
A Harvard-educated, East Coast elitist, Mr. Howell cited
Sen. McCain's pledge to continue President Bush's tax cuts
for the wealthiest 1 percent and said he feared Sen. Barack
Obama's "mumbo jumbo" about alternative energy "could
cost me billions in oil revenue."
"McCain is a Navy man," said. Mr. Howell. "After
what he's been through, this little Wall Street meltdown doesn't
scare John McCain. And believe me, I know about spending years
as a prisoner being tormented by tedious companions."
Two puppets -- Fox News Fox and GOP Elephant -- give you
the scoop on how Sarah Palin once slaughtered a herd of caribou
with just her bare hands and those razor-sharp, pearly-white
teeth.
Join MSG-NBC analysts Bob Gold and Rings Gardner for exclusive
humor from the Beijing Olympics. Get the scoop on fake gold
medals with lead paint and the key to the mens 100m doggy-style.
WATCH
Also, the all-you-can-eat buffets the Chinese have prepared
for the athletes are heaped with the best food in Olympic
history. However, two hours after they eat, the athletes feel
like competing again. WATCH
China takes gold in Olympic propaganda
By
John Breneman
Why shanghai a 7-year-old Olympic hopeful's chance to sing
in Beijing? For Chinese officials, yanking the real crooner
for a lip-synching cutie -- like filling the sky with made-for-TV
fireworks -- was all about hosting the best Summer Games ever,
by any means necessary.
"What's the big deal, silly vanilli?" asked Tony
Chin, a dashing ex-karaoke champion identified as the "organizer"
of the 2008 Summer Games. Chin was standing in for the actual
Olympic organizer, whose imperfect teeth and oversized facial
pores disqualify him from playing a more public role.
Asked about reports that the host country was combating lower-than-expected
attendance by filling half-empty stadiums with legions of
fake fans, Chin responded by saying, "The Olympics are
just super."
The controversy has caused critics to wonder aloud if China's
lip-synching mentality has crept into the competitive arena.
("Accepting the gold medal on behalf of the homely, goggle-eyed
swimming champion is this far more aesthetically pleasing
specimen of Chinese cultural and genetic superiority,"
joked one ZNBC commentator.)
The government's desire to stage manage every aspect the
Olympics is also causing security concerns. This, according
to disgruntled police officers who say they've been forced
to pull desk duty while their glamorous and lucrative Olympic
overtime shifts are covered by more attractive but less experienced
trainees.
At least the thick smog that threatened to cast a toxic pall
over Beijing has been brought under control, according to
Bubbles Wang, the perky "minister of air pollution,"
lip-synching at a press conference for the wheezing, soot-covered
actual minister of air pollution.
The Beijing air is also rife with rumors that the 2008 Olympic
medals are not actually gold, silver and bronze, but a cheap
alloy coated with lead paint.
Summing up the controversy, Tony Chin reiterated that the
China that is hosting the 2008 Summer Olympics is not the
scary, authoritarian, polluted-wracked, human rights-repressing
China, but instead the fancy, shiny China that is only brought
out to impress guests on special occasions.
A new poll reveals that a vast majority of the nation's bums
will vote for the presidential candidate who promises them
the most change. (WATCH
THE VIDEO)
"I keep hearing this election is about change,"
said Tuberculosis Einstein, a veteran Oklahoma panhandler
occasionally seen outside a 7-Eleven in Arkansas, Virginia,
Massachusetts, Florida, Delaware and North Dakota.
"I need change. Everybody I know needs change,"
added Gimme Two-Bits, a longtime collector of both vintage
and modern coins.
"I been looking for change every day -- for as long
as I can remember," said Dunno Alzheimer, who boasted
that he hadn't changed his clothes in 41 years.
"Them Democrats mentioned 'change' 103 times at a debate
in New Hampshire. That's a good sign," said Gangrene
Willie, an undecided vagabond who slept under a Clinton sign
last night but plans to back Huckabee in South Carolina, then
catch a westbound boxcar to vote Obama in Alabama.
Polls
show many street-level tramps are concerned about health care.
But not Wheezy Marlboro or Bloodclots Washington. They just
want change.
And some bums say they are troubled by the slumping cardboard
housing market. Not Subprime Morty. His #1 issue is change.
Two-Nickels Roosevelt confided that he, too, is passionate
about change.
"I'm serious," he gasped. "Please give me
some goddamn change."
Pundits say the hobo demographic will be vital to the 2008
election -- widespread talk of change will draw record numbers
of bums to the polls, causing presidential candidates to pander
to the panhandlers.
Welcome
to Humor Gazette Theater!
Today's feature presentation is "Mohammed
the Teddy Bear," a visionary 33-second production
from an unknown teddy bear at an undisclosed location.
We're just getting started in the movie business and you
can find our flicks at these locations on FunnyOrDie.com
(run by Will Ferrell and friends), Metacafe.com
and, of course, YouTube.
After pinky-swearing to Matt Lauer that he is sooo not gay,
Sen. Larry Craig got right back to congressional business
– coming out in favor of stiff penal action for moral
degenerates and hammering out anti-bondage legislation with
the minority whip.
Craig, busted in June for trying to beef up his staff in
an airport bathroom, has been waging a valiant one-man campaign
to prove he is not gay.
The Idaho Republican told NBC's Lauer he is not bisexual,
hates "gladiator politics" and only uses bathrooms
"for bathroom's sake" – never for indulging
the whims of his inner Village Person.
Asked why, in a restroom known as a hot spot for soliciting
gay sex, he repeated a sequence of signals used by men to
solicit gay sex, Craig chuckled that he was just trying to
get some toilet paper off his shoe.
Lauer noted that the restroom's shady reputation was no secret
on the Internet, but Craig – a member of the Congressional
Internet Caucus – said he could not have known that because
he has "never used the Internet."
As proof of Craig's vigorous stance against immorality, supporters
point to his 1999 remarks calling adulterous President Bill
Clinton "a nasty, bad, naughty boy."
The Humor Gazette has obtained an exclusive copy of Craig's
itinerary for today:
6:15 am -- Think up new batch of excuses to avoid
marital relations with Mrs. C.
6:45 -- Watch favorite Richard Simmons workout video.
7:20 -- Delete e-mail conversations with Rep. Mark
Foley, Rev. Ted Haggard and the gang.
7:45
-- Cancel most recent XXXL order from Victoria's Secret.
8:15-9 -- Mandatory "family values" time
with the wife.
9:30 -- Meet with interior designer to redecorate
bedroom closet.
10:00 -- Bathroom break.
10:15 -- Antiquing with Philip and Tayshawn.
12 noon -- Lunch with Liza Minnelli's ex, David Gest,
for tips on convincing people you're not gay.
1:15 pm -- Contact New York Times for price info on
full-page "I am not gay" ad.
1:45 -- Cancel VIP Gold membership at Stallions.
2:00 -- Return all those campaign contributions from
NAMBLA.
2:15 -- Bathroom break.
2:45 -- Schedule cosmetic surgery to have Romney campaign
bus tracks removed from back and buttocks.
3-3:05 -- Set aside time to work on actual Senate
business.
3:15 -- Quietly find private-sector jobs for Senate
staffers Dick Johnson and Julius T. Hunk.
3:45 -- Pedicure and bikini wax at Chez Maurice.
4:30 -- Leak compromising Craig-Romney bearhug photographs
to the media.
4:45 -- Bathroom break.
5:30 -- Invite media to daily "I am not gay –
I have never been gay" press conference.
6:45 -- Watch "Brokeback Mountain" again;
work on note to Heath and Jake.
Billy
Buck Teefus
salutes Stephen Colbert's
AmeriCone Dream ice cream
Editor's note: My friend Billy Buck Teefus -- American
redneck savant -- is passionate about Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone
Dream ice cream. Read his testimonial below or WATCH
THE VIDEO.
Yep, Billy Buck Teefus here – American redneck savant
– singin' the praises of the most patriotic product ya
hard-earned money can buy – Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone
Dream ice cream.
Nation – either you's with Stephen Colbert and his America-made,
freedom-lovin' ice cream er you's with the terrorists.
That's
right. A patriotic American who ain't eatin' Stephen Colbert's
ice cream? … why, that'd be like a presidential candidate
walkin' around without a little American flag pin on his lapel.
Or badmouthin' the troops by saying we oughta bring 'em home.
What kinda latte-drinkin', socialized-medicine wantin', unnecessary
war-hatin' sumbitch would refuse to buy a product that has
red and white United States flag stripes right on the box?
Bunch of anti-AmeriCone terrorist sympathizers, that's who.
You know who hates this stuff? Iranian President Mahmoud
Mission accomplished! As recently as three years ago, America's
education system was in a shambles. Millions of childrens
did not even know that humans
and fish can peacefully coexist.
But as his dad's vice president, Dan
Quayle, learned at a sixth-grade New Jersey spelling
bee in 1992, education can easily become a political hot potatoe.
The Washington pundits misunderestimated Mr. Bush's ability
to get the job done, but in January 2008 he signed into law
his landmark education plan: No Childs Left Behind.
Sure, there were critics. Some say the president has shortchanged
his program by more than $50 billion. But Mr. Bush knows that
childrens need a good education so they can grow up to get
a heckuva job and put
food on their families.
In today's global war on terrorism economy, he reasons, we
must help childrens realize their dreams of becoming soldiers,
oil executives or OB/GYN doctors, free to practice
their love. Childrens, Mr. Bush understands, must
be given the tools they need to compete for those good-paying
jobs on the Internets.
So it was heartening to hear President Bush tell the nation
-- during his speech
last Wednesday urging Congress to reauthorize No Childs Left
Behind -- that, when standards are high and results are measured,
"Childrens
do learn."
Notably, Mr. Bush's vision has also fueled an education initiative
in the extremist Muslim world. In fact, many gifted first-
and second-graders in Iraq and beyond are already hating America
at a ninth-grade level, thanks to a policy called No Junior
Terrorist Left Behind.
After
the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John
Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at
an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his
First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians
alike with a relentless satire offensive.
Massachusetts scribe Mike Scully
tells of work on ‘Simpsons Movie’
By John Breneman
What’s a mild-mannered jokester from Springfield doing
in a place like . . . Springfield?
Living the dream, you might say. And in Mike Scully’s
dream, all the people are bright yellow. They screw up every
week, but their dysfunctional family is true blue. And now
they’re headed for the silver screen.
Anticipating the Friday release of “The Simpsons Movie,”
Scully -- a producer and writer on the series and blockbuster
film -- took a few moments to discuss his improbable journey
from West Springfield, Mass., to the animated Springfield
(location: undisclosed) inhabited by Homer, Bart and the rest
of the metropolis’ four-fingered citizenry.
Scully is a 50-year-old family man whose adopted clan debuted
as a strange cartoon in 1987 and evolved into an American
cultural phenomenon (in 1999, Time magazine named “The
Simpsons” the 20th century’s best TV show).
But growing up in West Springfield, Scully said, “I had
hoped to be a musician or a hockey player.” The music
thing didn’t work out. But hey, sitting on a couch going
over a script with Mick Jagger ain’t a bad consolation
prize.
“I definitely wanted to break into comedy,” said
Scully, but “I really had no reason to believe I could
succeed at this.” Nevertheless, he packed his bags for
the proverbial trip to L.A., knowing he could always “go
back to Springfield and get a job as a janitor or a driving
instructor,” the last two positions he held before moving
to California.
Humor writer helped
Stones paint it yellow
Longtime “Simpsons” writer and producer
Mike Scully says he’ll never forget “the
days Mick Jagger and Keith Richard came in.”
The Stones rolled in to voice a 2002 episode (“How
I Spent My Strummer Vacation,” written by Scully),
in which the family takes Homer to a rock ’n’
roll fantasy camp.
"Mick’s manager came in and said ‘Mick
would like to see you in the green room.’ He
patted the couch for me to sit down next to him.
He had the script in his hand. ... We went through
the script page by page,” said Scully. “On
the outside, I was trying to project the image of
a television professional, but on the inside I was
screaming like a 12-year-old girl: ‘Oh my God,
it’s Mick Jagger!’”
Also among the countless musical acts who have “appeared”
on “The Simpsons,” Michael Jackson, Britney
Spears, Kid Rock, Willie Nelson, Elton John, 50
Cent, Aerosmith, The Who and U2.
Scully got his start penning punch lines for Ukrainian yukster
Yakov Smirnoff and honed his craft at comedy amateur nights
(“stand-up comedy with the emphasis on amateur”),
which he now describes as “a crash course on how to write
jokes.”
The aspiring humorist bought some old TV scripts (“Taxi”
among them) to teach himself the half-hour comedy format and
began “bouncing around Hollywood working on some of the
lousiest sitcoms in history.”
His break came when then-executive producer David Mirkin read
some sample scripts and hired him to work on “The Simpsons,”
long known for hiring Harvard talent. “I started as a
writer on the show in 1993,” said Scully, who attended
Holyoke Community College for one day.
In retrospect, he said, “I think if I had actually succeeded
at college and gotten a degree in accounting or something,
I might have given up too quickly on writing. Having no marketable
job skills was a tremendous incentive to keep trying to succeed
as a writer.”
Scully considers himself “incredibly lucky” to have
hooked up with “The Simpsons,” now the longest-running
sitcom in American history (surpassing “The Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet”).
The show has won 23 Emmy Awards and a Peabody. Time named
Bart Simpson one of the 20th century’s 100 most influential
“people” and Homer’s signature catchphrase
-- “D’oh!” -- is now listed in the Oxford English
Dictionary.
As for the movie, Scully said it was fun doing “certain
scenes that would have a visual scope and scale that just
wasn’t possible on the series.”
Eighteen years in the making, “The Simpsons Movie”
is receiving intense promotion. Homer appeared at the baseball
All-Star Game and on “The Tonight Show.” Select
7-Elevens were converted into Kwik-E-Marts. Burger King is
on board, sponsoring simpsonizeme.com (upload a photo to see
a Simpsonized version of yourself or a friend). And the nation’s
leading Springfields squared off in a contest to host the
premiere (Vermont won despite a Bay State Springfield pitch
featuring an appeal by Sen. Ted Kennedy, the inspiration for
Springfield Mayor "Diamond Joe" Quimby).
“Simpsons” creator Matt Groening appeared on “The
Daily Show With Jon Stewart” on Wednesday and shared
this nugget about the creative process, “Homer falls
in love with a pig and the rest just wrote itself.”
Scully says he’s had to remain pretty tight-lipped about
the plot, even though one of his gags involving Bart and some
full-frontal cartoon nudity has appeared on one of the trailers.
“My
own family didn’t even know what the script was,”
he said.
Scully’s wife, Julie Thacker, is also a comedy writer;
together they co-created “The Pitts” for Fox and
“Complete Savages” for ABC. They have five daughters
ages 17-24. His brother, Brian Scully, is a writer on “Family
Guy.”
One secret to “The Simpsons’ ” success is itsemphasis
on family and community values.
At the beginning of each episode, the Simpson family gathers
(to put it mildly) at the couch, in effect inviting all of
us to join them in front of the TV. Their hometown of Springfield,
said Scully, “is supposed to represent Anytown, USA.”
So for Scully, “It’s a huge kick when somebody tells
me it’s one of the few things the family does together
as a family is watch ‘The Simpsons.’ ”
A “Simpsons” musical CD (“Testify”) is
set to drop in September, timed to coincide with the start
of season 19. Having now surpassed 400 episodes, Scully said
of the show, “I think it has become an institution in
this country.”
The Oscar buzz hasn’t started yet but “I know the
expectations are really high and we certainly hope we don’t
disappoint anybody,” said Scully, joking that he’s
been on a “one-man mission to lower expectations.”
So what happens? Scully’s not saying, but (spoiler alert)
“I can tell you that Homer does something stupid.”
The deranged diaper-assed astronaut who drove from Texas
to Florida to confront a romantic rival may have been under
the influence of Tang.
Toxicology tests revealed that Lisa Nowak's bloodstream contained
more than five times the recommended daily allowance of Tang,
the powdery orange beverage favored by astronauts since 1965.
The flighty spacewoman, whose car was littered with empty
baby bottles containing Tang residue, allegedly confronted
Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman armed with a knife, a BB gun,
some pepper spray, a light saber and a Star Trek phaser set
on "stun."
Unconfirmed reports suggest Nowak was also in possession
of a $14.2 billion NASA robotic arm and may have been planning
to bitch slap Shipman. Authorities said Nowak wore a diaper
so she could make Apollo 1 or 2 without having to stop her
car.
NASA spokesman George W. Jetson said America's astronauts
are under so much stress they occasionally need to "blast
off" some steam, "but not like those postal workers."
Asked about reports of fornication and toga parties aboard
the International Space Station, Jetson said, "What happens
in a low-gravity environment stays in a low-gravity environment."
The makers of Tang refused to comment on any connection
between their product and freakish astronaut murder plots.
Groundhog
predicts six more weeks of sectarian violence
By John Breneman
Punxsutawney Phil, the famed Groundhog Day prognosticator,
spied a shadowy figure outside his burrow this morning and
forecast six more weeks of war.
The fuzzy, buck-toothed prophet foresees a bloody springtime
outside the Green Zone marred by Karbala car bombings and
Baghdad body bags. He also dropped a heinous stinkbomb said
to portend rising gas prices.
A White House spokesman dismissed the reports, blaming them
on the liberal, pro-groundhog news media, then scurried back
into his heavily fortified underground bunker. But not before
President Bush pledged to smoke the varmint out of its Saddam
Hussein hole for "emboldening the terrorists."
The groundhog also predicted continuing tensions between
elephants and donkeys in Washington.
But
with all the commotion over Punxsutawney Phil and Gobbler's
Knob on Groundhog Day, the East Coast, pro-human news media
has once again neglected equally deserving members of the
animal kingdom.
For example: We know that, in most cultures, if the livestock
act jittery it means a devastating earthquake or tornado is
coming soon, maybe a tsunami. But few humans are aware that
indigenous people in the jungles of South America look to
the agile spider monkey to help determine when the rainy season
will come.
If the spider monkey is seen hanging by its tail from a tree
limb munching a fistful of berries, the rainy season will
come at the normal time. However, if the monkey is seen chain-smoking
a pack of Marlboro 100s, it means corporate interests will
defoliate the rain forest in 17 days.
In many coastal communities, the great white shark has long
been used to predict whether the coming tourist season will
be economically bountiful or lean. If a shark's fin is spotted
in the shallow water near the beach, it is believed the season
may be marred by gruesome tragedy and subpar revenues.
Insects like the common housefly have demonstrated an uncanny
knack for predicting the unexpected arrival of one's mother-in-law,
and the cuddly koala has been known to give profitable insider
tips to stock brokers dabbling in the volatile eucalyptus
market.
In some segments of the scientific community, it is believed
that if a single-call protozoan life form being examined under
an electron microscope sees its shadow and begins to undergo
meiotic division of its nuclei, there will be six more weeks
of accelerated binary fission. And, of course, many leading
zoologists favor a new American holiday recognizing the amazing
powers of the Shetland pony, the pygmy sperm whale or the
mud dauber wasp.
Did you see the bizarro world meeting between the nation's
most bombastic ego and the truthy satirist who plays him on
cable TV?
Yes, it was Bill O'Reilly meets Stephen Colbert -- the first-ever
No Spin Zone Twilight Zone Colbert Nation Lovefest Smackdown.
(Palooza?) These two titans of broadcasting traded appearances
on each other's programs last night, "The O'Reilly Factor"
(top-rated cable news show, 8 p.m. on Fox) and "The Colbert
Report" (11:30 p.m. on Comedy Central).
Hosting first was O'Reilly, the blustery master of sound
and fury signifying whatever he tells his viewers/devotees
it signifies. Later, O'Reilly's visit was trumpeted as a historic
summit by Colbert, widely acclaimed for wielding irony like
a blunt instrument in his O'Reilly-based persona.
"You're about to watch me enter a No Spin Zone,"
Colbert said at the top of his show, having confessed earlier
to the man he calls Papa Bear that O'Reilly's version of "no
spin" gives him "vertigo."
Colbert had also admitted that "emulating" O'Reilly
was taking a toll. "I haven't seen my kids in 18 months
and I'm losing calcium in my bones," the actor told O'Reilly
on "The Factor."
"What keeps you going?" he asked. "Jesus Christ
or Pat Robertson's protein shakes?" Just a little jab
at O'Reilly's prominent stature among the religious righteous.
Back in Colbert Nation, Fauxreilly set the stage by unveiling
a mischievous "Mission Accomplished" banner to commemorate
his own ability get O'Reilly on the show (and to tweak conservatism's
blind loyalty to the bumbling war president).
Colbert then excitedly opened the last door on "my Bill
O'Reilly advent calendar," complete with the beatific
Baby O'Reilly in the manger.
Colbert's genius extends to gesture, as when he disarmed
O'Reilly's "Culture War" cult of personality by
slapping a 30% off sticker over the self-important author's
book cover mug (evoking David Letterman's famous "About
60% of what you say is crap" in-your-facer to the TV
bully).
When Colbert popped his most loaded question -- "Which
is destroying America more: activist judges, gay marriage,
illegal immigration or NBC?" -- Blowreilly gobbled the
bait and blurted "NBC." (He also weaved in this
fair and balanced analysis of The New York Times: "They're
scum.")
O'Reilly took a shot at calling Colbert out when he characterized
the two camps in his beloved, breadwinning culture war as
"secular progressives like yourself and traditionalists
like me." And he couldn't resist trotting out his "stoned
slacker" soundbite in reference to the audience demographic
watching "The Daily Show" and presumably "Colbert."
On his home turf, O'Reilly attempted to "nail"
his mocker by accusing him of having changed the pronunciation
of his last name from Colbert with a hard T to the French-sounding
Colbert.
At one point O'Reilly awkwardly bellowed, "Are you COL-bert
or Col-BEAR?!?" Colbert, who must have been cracking
up inside, simply praised his host for the gale-force volume
of his question.
During O'Reilly's interview we learned that Colbert's middle
name is Tyrone. (Or did we?) Regular viewers already know
he regards bears as "giant marauding godless killing
machines."
Afterward, he brought in talking heads to ask them why people
love Colbert yet loathe O'Reilly, who is regularly named the
day's "Worst Person on the World" on MSNBC's "Countdown
with Keith Olbermann" and who is immortalized in such
lefty books as "Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O'Reilly"
and "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and
Balanced Look at the Right" by Al Franken (O'Reilly sued
in a failed attempt to block distribution of the latter book,
which describes him as "a lying, splotchy bully").
One of the heads (Bernard Goldberg, Fox News Analyst) concluded,
"We live in a cynical age," therefore "smart-ass
wiseguys" are seen as "cutting edge." (Finally.)
The anti-O'Reilly concluded his big day by revealing that
he had stolen a large microwave oven from the Fox studio.
DISCLOSURE:
Roger Ailes, president of Fox News, includes my Web site (www.HumorGazette.com)
on his "Enemies List" (rogerailes.blogspot.com),
making me a card-carrying member of the liberal smart-ass
wiseguy media.
VH-1 shooting Charles Manson reality
show
By John Breneman
Negotiations for a new Charles Manson reality show on VH-1
have broken down over the notorious serial killer's demand
that each episode end with the ritualistic slaying of two
baby gerbils and a music industry executive.
Footage has already been shot for several episodes of the
program - tentatively titled "Charlie Knows Best,"
"Manson Family Values" or "Death to the Television
Whore-Bastards."
In one, a heavily shackled Manson visits an old-folks home
and delights skeptical seniors by teaching a workshop on how
to carve Nazi insignias into their foreheads.
In another, furious when guards at California's Corcoran
State Prison strip a tattered Farrah Fawcett poster from his
6-by-8-foot "crib," Manson sets fire to his mattress,
poops on the floor and spits into the camera 142 times.
Manson spews contempt for his rivals in one chilling segment,
fashioning a crude jailhouse shiv from a Mountain Dew can
while threatening to eat the intestinal "sweet bread"
of Hulk Hogan, Danny Bonaduce and Flavor Flav.
VH-1 insiders also are touting a special cameo in which Lynette
"Squeaky" Fromme is caught trying to assassinate
President Bush, ex-Beach Boy Brian Wilson and Oprah.
A source close to the guy who cleans the maggots out of Manson's
beard claims the celebrity psychopath delighted producers
with his catchy signature slogan: "The streets will run
red with the Robitussin cough syrup of the non-believers!"
Zombie industry booming despite Zombie
scandal
By
John Breneman
Raging, cannibalistic zombies hauled in $10 million at the
box office last weekend, causing much rejoicing throughout
the zombie community.
Zombies also made inroads in the financial community with
the news that Geico's new multimillion-dollar ad campaign
would feature the slogan: "So easy a zombie can do it!"
However, there is also bad news for the soulless demographic.
Rock musician Rob Zombie, one of the nation's best-known
bogeymen and a role model for a generation of young mutants,
is not an actual zombie, the Humor Gazette has learned.
In fact, documents reveal that Zombie is not even Mr. Zombie's
real name. Born Robert Bartleh Cummings in Massachusetts,
he is a 1983 graduate of Haverhill High School, where he was
voted "Most Likely to Devour the Flesh of a Rotting Human
Corpse."
Mr. Zombie, whose body of work includes such sensitive numbers
as "Superbeast," "The Devil's Rejects"
and "Scum of the Earth," is considered a pioneer
in the genre of satanic, sub-grunge anti-pop.
However,
even though he has mastered zombie habits like gnawing on
people's necks and staggering around trancelike with his arms
extended, his image has been bloodied by the allegation that
he is not a real zombie, but a Massachusetts-born, monster
wannabe.
Local 666, International Brotherhood of the Undead released
a statement saying it became suspicious of Mr. Zombie when
it learned he is only 41. Most zombies are anywhere from several
hundred to a couple thousand years old. It also noted that
Mr. Zombie is "a masterful self-promoter," whereas
most zombies avoid publicity like the morning sun.
In other zombie news: MUSIC -- Zombies reunion tour leaves thousands dead
in Cleveland SPORTS -- Hard-hitting Zombies slaughter Yankees, 18-2 POLITICS -- Homeland Security raises zombie alert level
to "Blood-Curdling" NIGHTLIFE -- Local watering holes breathe new life
into "The Zombie" WEATHER -- Swarm of Category 4 zombies moving in from
the northwest
The muttering, one-eyed muscleman, who credits a spinach-based
diet with giving him steroid-style forearms and super-human
strength, claimed the spinach scare may be the work of his
arch-nemesis Bluto, perhaps as part of yet another scheme
to steal Popeye's girl, the floss-thin anoerxia poster girl,
Olive Oyl.
President Bush said today that photos published in a London
tabloid prove Saddam Hussein possessed a terrifying arsenal
of BVDs.
Calling the images "horrifying" and "definitely
not sexy," Bush invited the civilized world to join him
in mocking the defrocked dictator and his feeble act of "half-naked
aggression."
When reminded that his reason for war was Hussein's WMDs
and not his BVDs, the president grinned and said, "Naked
aggression, heh-heh."
Responding to charges that the U.S. only inflames anti-American
hatred with stories about Koran shenanigans and photo of scantily
clad dictators and pig-piled detainees, President Bush said,
"C'mon, we're not trying to humiliate the man. I mean,
we've almost got that sucker potty trained. Wacky little madman.
I've got his pistol."
Bush explained that the controversial photographs were actually
part of an elaborate prank pulled by Defense Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld.
"Yeah, Rumsfeld punked him," said Bush, "somehow
convinced him he was getting a conjugal visit from Angelina
Jolie." But instead of a pouty-lipped sexpot, Hussein
instead found himself on a blind date with an elite U.S. paparazzi
unit.
A spokesman said Hussein is eager to begin filing lawsuits
and added that, despite the circumstances, the aspiring Hanes
poster boy feels "good all under."
A high-ranking lieutenant in the Hugo Boss organization said
Hussein could have a promising future in the underwear industry.
"Bad is good, evil is money and Hussein's got this sort
of Marky Mark meets Hitler thing going."
"You
Can't Always Get
the Prescription Drugs You Want"
"Gray
Sugar"
"When
the Hip Goes Down"
"Faraway
Eyeglasses"
"Start
My Pacemaker Up"
"Time
is NOT on My Side"
Rolling Fossils
announce world tour
By John Breneman
The Rolling Stones, affectionately known as the Rolling Fossils,
have announced plans for a worldwide "Rock the Hospice"
tour opening Aug. 21 at Fenway Park and marking the first
time the Stones have played Boston since 1918.
In a related development, archaeologists have unearthed evidence
that the band, originally thought to have formed in London
in the mid-20th century, actually were created by geologic
forces during the waning days of the Neolithic Era.
Rock historians are ecstatic over the discovery, reportedly
a Stone Age fossil bearing the impression of a giant set of
human lips with a tongue sticking out.
Also found at the scene, several flint guitar picks and a
sheath of woolly mammoth skin with the lyrics to the Stones
hit "Monkey Man," now being interpreted as a biting
musical commentary on mankind's evolution from Neanderthal
to Cro-Magnon.
The discoveries suggest that wrinkly frontman Mick Jagger,
until recently thought to be 61 years old, is actually closer
to 6,100. Nevertheless, cocky, Viagara-popping rocker was
recently named "Sexiest Sexagenarian Alive" by AARP
magazine.
The Stones (also known as "Their Arthritic Majesties")
have updated many of their best-loved songs to reflect their
advanced age. The following is a partial list of old favorites
the band is expected to play.
Mother's Day card yields clues on bin
Laden
FBI profilers say
Osama bin Laden's psycopathic behavior
is rooted in conflicted feelings about his mother
(pictured above).
By John Breneman
Authorities hunting for Osama bin Laden tracked the elusive
terrorist mama's boy to Akbar's House of Flowers in Afghanistan,
where he sent his mom a cheap bouquet and a cheesy card promising
"the mother of all Mother's Days."
"Dear Mimsie -- Ten thousand virgins could not stop
me from showering you with hatred, I mean love," read
the card, which was intercepted by U.S. authorities and also
included a gift certificate for a new burka from Old Navy.
One FBI profiler claims bin Laden's all-consuming quest to
"kill whitey" is rooted in unresolved feelings about
his mother, who reportedly pushed him to become a doctor,
lawyer or oil tycoon and did not hide her disappointment when
he instead became an international hate-monger.
Sources say the young bin Laden grew up hopelessly confused
about how his mother's reverence for Allah squared with her
passion for Western television programs like "Maude,"
"The Jeffersons" and "Love, American Style."
Margaret "Ma" bin Laden once told Geraldo Rivera
that she tried to get young Osama to play baseball or marbles,
but he was always too busy waging backyard "holy wars"
against imaginary "infidels." She also confided
that she long ago gave up her dream that he would someday
buy her a cable-ready condominium in Palm Beach.
Bush puts the moves on Saudi prince
Despite some flirtatious hand-holding, sources
say President Bush couldn't
get to second base with swarthy
Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah.
By John Breneman
Holding hands with his special friend Prince Abdullah, President
Bush said today he tried everything to get the bashful Saudi
monarch to drop the price of oil -- from flowers and chocolates
to butterfly kisses and promises of geopolitical favors.
But don't expect Bush's wooing to pay off at the pump. Despite
charming him with pickup truck rides and brush-clearing lessons,
sources say the president couldn't even get to second base
with the sexy Saudi.
However, the two men did share a hearty laugh at one point.
When Bush asked what he could do to reduce America's dependence
on foreign oil, Abdullah quipped that he could urge people
to drive more fuel-efficient vehicles. The president managed
to keep a straight face for a few seconds before erupting,
"Heh, heh, heh. Heh, heh, heh."
Sources say the president rejected diplomatic advice from
Tom Bolton, the controversial United Nations nominee who said
Bush should order a Secret Service man to get the prince in
a chokehold and push his face into the windshield of Bush's
pickup truck until he cried "Uncle Sam" and agreed
to drop oil prices.
Instead, Bush gave the prince a piggy-back ride around his
Crawford, Texas, ranch and engaged in some playful banter
about Saudi Arabia's woeful human rights record. The prince
also showed off his mischievous side, at one point gesturing
to the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, and asking the president,
"How much for the women?"
When pressed about the high cost of crude, the prince said
he could maybe knock off a penny or two, but explained that
he had a fiduciary responsibility to his wealthy backers to
keep their profits as high as possible. Bush said he understood
completely.
After his play date with the prince, Bush said he will keep
trying to seduce the Saudis but won't waver from his strategy
of seeking new sources of oil in protected wildlife refuges
and politically unstable regimes.
Humor us with this foolish questionnaire
In
order to better serve YOU, the reader, I have compiled this
questionnaire as part of my work in the cutting-edge field
of humor column research.
My bosses are pressuring me to provide 8-10 percent more
laughs in each edition of the Humor Gazette. I'm hoping the
data you provide here will help me tap into the very marrow
of the human funny bone.
The first 100 respondents will be eligible to win a gold-embossed
collector's edition copy of my new best-seller - "Blah
Blah Blah, Etc." (Offer void in parts of South Berwick.)
To ensure optimum results, I must request that you please
hold your laughter until the end of this column.
Warning:
The following questions are "multiple choice," so
respondents will need a working knowledge of the "alphabet."
Questions
1. When is your favorite time to read humor columns?
A. During an intimate moment with a loved one.
B. While speeding down the freeway and chattering on the cell
phone in heavy traffic.
C. After the weekly liposuction treatment.
D. In those peaceful, solitary moments just before flushing.
2.
Do you prefer humor columns that are: A. side-splitting
B. knee-slapping
C. rib-tickling
D. windpipe-constricting
3. What is your favorite snack to nibble on while reading
humor columns? (select up to 6)
kippered herring
tofu jerky
lima bean pizza
Meat Whiz
refried chitlins
Oysters Rockefeller
Venezuelan caviar
animal by-products
Spam-flavored lollipops
Tender Vittles
Pepto-Bismol smoothies
that nasty brown stuff that Grandma used to make
4. What is your current employment status? A. pencil pusher
B. suit
C. dot-com geek
D. brown-collar slop jockey
5. What is your current family status?
A. single
B. double
C. disowned
D. married, divorced, remarried and living in squalor with
3.5 kids, 6.5 cats and an incontinent gerbil named Petey.
6. What is your current financial status? A. mo' money
B. no money
C. self-made pauper
D. assets not sufficient to maintain the lifestyle to which
you have become accustomed.
7. How much would you pay for this column if it was not
provided free as part of this fine newspaper Web site? A. 1 yen
B. a plug nickel
C. a red cent
D. $1.2 million
8. What are some of your favorite humor column topics?
(select up to six) o society's seamy underbelly
o squirrel terrorists
o philandering politicians
o humpbacked sperm whales
o humpbacked politicians
o porcelain fixtures
o the role of monkeys in U.S. foreign policy
o algebraic equations
o machine gun-wielding gnomes
o blonds
o Polish sausages
o the mating rituals of the indigenous North American loser.
9. What is your greatest fear? A. fear itself
B. snakes
C. George W. Bush
D. missing an important final exam because you have no clothing
and can only run in slow-motion.
10. What is your favorite name to call those idiots who
cut you off in traffic? A. idiot
B. @$*#% jackass
C. nincompoop
D. road rage victim
Congratulations. Now that you have completed the questionnaire,
you are eligible to enrich your life by reading the Humor
Gazette as often as you like. However, I know your time is
at a premium so before you just jump onto the bandwagon, I'm
sure you'll want all the facts.
Consider: ? Humor Gazette columns
offer 24 percent more insipid punch lines
than the other leading brand.
? Each week, we will print
a generous supply of comical words like "beancurd,"
"whimwham" and "government."
? Special bonus columns will
be peppered with rib-splitting words like "putty,"
"angstrom unit" and "Jello-brand gelatin."
? We also offer exclusive special
reports like "True Confessions of a Praying Mantis,"
"The Trouble With Genetically Engineered Raisins"
and "Youth Violence: Friend Or Foe?"
? And finally, this column
has been endorsed by groups as diverse as Physicians For
Social Repugnancy, Daughters of the Albanian Revolution and
the National Water Pistol Association.
Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is:
A. almost as funny as gangrene
B. a pathetic little man
C. a veritable comic juggernaut
D. no longer allowed to play with weapons of mass destruction.
John Breneman
Hi,
I'm Patti Arbuckle.
I lost 452 pounds thanks to the Humor Gazette Diet, and you
can too.
Two months ago I was so friggin' fat, I had given up all
hope of ever seeing my (censored) ever again.
But then one night while cramming fistfuls of Doritos and
unrefined Domino's sugar into my piehole during a 3 a.m. "Cagney
& Lacey" rerun, I saw a commercial for the miracle
diet that saved my life.
The Humor Gazette Diet's special blend of carbs, calories
and cholesterol interacts with your body's own metabolism
to melt those pounds away.
I admit I was skeptical … didn't believe I could lose
weight by combining unusual delicacies like goat beef and
Lucky Charms cereal. But before I knew it, that extra quarter-ton
of blubber had disappeared and my skin hung on me like a cheap
radiation suit.
Now I've gained a quarter-ton of self-esteem AND rediscovered
my enthusiasm for stamp collecting, long pony rides and sexual
intercourse.
Thank you, Humor Gazette!!
Al Jazeera to broadcast Super Bowl
By
John Breneman
Now that they've experienced the thrill of voting, the Iraqi
people are set to kick back on their couches and munch Halliburton
snack pouches while enjoying the ultimate symbol of American
glory -- the Super Bowl.
The game will be broadcast for the first time on al Jazeera,
which is hyping Sunday's showdown as "American Gridiron
Devils XXXIX." In keeping with Super Bowl tradition,
the Arabic telecast commercials will feature farting camels
and scantily-clad detainees pitching pills for a debilitating
condition called "Iraq-tile dysfunction."
The halftime show -- featuring an extravagant display of
surface-to-air fireworks -- will have a five-second delay
to guard against any possible burka malfunction when Janet
Jackson takes center stage with Bo Jackson, Jesse Jackson
and Samuel L. Jackson in a Jackson-studded salute to Jacksonian
democracy.
Michael Jackson could not be in Jacksonville for the game,
but the King of Pop -- who joined
the Nation of Islam for about 24 hours in Dec. 2003
-- has taped a message congratulating Muslim fans on the selection
of their favorite player, Patriots running back Rabih Abdullah,
to the first-ever Allah-Madden Team.
President Bush will also appear via satellite, offering pre-game
safety tips to protect novice football fans from the ever-present
danger of choking
on a pretzel.
Basking in the glory of his terrific/horrific war to liberate/obliterate
Iraq, President George W. Bush used his inaugural address
today to take aim at a new goal: "the greatest achievements
in the history of freedom."
The president's grand plan to end tyranny by bullying the
world into liberty was revealed shortly after Chief Justice
William H. Rehnquist administered the presidential oaf of
office. Bush insisted on taking the oath with his left hand
resting upon "a whole stack of Bibles" to reflect
his personal commitment to using religious imagery for personal
gain.
The history-minded president evoked the memory of John F.
Kennedy by recalling that turning point at age 40 when Bush
quit his beloved booze, made God his new best pal and said
to himself, "Ask not what your Daddy can do for you --
ask what you can do to be more like your Daddy."
After saying "freedom" 27 times and "liberty"
on 15 occasions, President Bush Jr. concluded with a word
from his loyal colleague and trusted adviser, the Lord: "May
God bless you, and may He kick the ass of anyone who messes
with the United States of America."
The White House dismissed criticism of the $40 million spent
on Bush's lavish inauguration, saying that amount wouldn't
even pay for seven hours of his nifty $1-billion-a-week war.
An additional $20 million security effort insured that insurgent
protesters would not disrupt the day by invoking their quaint
First Amendment rights.
The inauguration was attended by a parade of dignitaries,
including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesus Christ and Dick Cheney's
lesbian daughter.
Former President George H.W. Bush arrived by parachute, touching
down next to his wife Barbara, whose uncanny resemblance to
George Washington grows with each passing inauguration. They
were accompanied by son Jeb, the Florida governor who is widely
believed to be next in line for the Bush throne.
Banned from the historic proceeding was a reporter from the
Humor Gazette, the influential satire publication that made
news by rejecting a $240,000 White House payoff to promote
the president's controversial "No Body Bag Left Behind"
initiative.
Other Humor Gazette exclusives critical of the president
include the following:
His
valiant attempts to live a so-called normal life included
marrying the daughter of Elvis Presley and palling around
with chimpanzees, parasitic enablers and Liza Minelli. 
Other
side effects:
Delusions
of bipartisanism, idiopathic rhetorical sclerosis, misdiagnosed
socialism, bleeding heart, severe right-brain elephantiasis
and degenerative political malfeasance. 
By
John Breneman
A
little Reagan trickles down into the speeches of all Republican
politicians, but Palin's little Dutch treat showed she'll
do whatever it takes to be the GOP's new Cute Rockne. 
Wow.
By
John Breneman
Her
idol is said to be the distinguished former Chief Justice
Joseph Albert Wapner and she once did pro bono work for Sonny
Bono. 
By
John Breneman
Oscar-winning
filmmaker Ron Howard also lost his shirt in the Fonzie scheme,
and actor Scott Baio lost his pants. Also duped were a husband
and wife identified in the federal indictment as "Mr.
and Mrs. C."
By
John Breneman
Echoing
the newest right-wing yakking point, Mr. Graham's post-election
shtick is to pretend he is being censored and oppressed by
"our liberal overlords." 
That's
"The Natural Truth" for you -- America oppressed
by the evil Obama. 
A
group calling itself McCain Lovers For Obama has released
an anti-McCain attack ad charging that Sen. McCain is "in
the pocket of Big Potato," having taken billions from
"the Potato-Industrial Complex." 
By
John Breneman
Sources
say Palin plans to introduce a series of homespun new policies
such as the Church-State United Act and No Joe Sixpack Left
Behind.
Negative
ad links McCain, Hussein
By
John Breneman
Sarah
Palin goes donkey hunting at GOP convention 
Negative
ad: Obama, McCain and Hussein
By
John Breneman 
Related
stories:
By
John Breneman 
Polls
show many street-level tramps are concerned about health care.
But not Wheezy Marlboro or Bloodclots Washington. They just
want change. 
"Billy
Buck Teefus' Redneck Christmas Album"
By
John Breneman
By
John Breneman
“My
own family didn’t even know what the script was,”
he said. 
By
John Breneman
But
with all the commotion over Punxsutawney Phil and Gobbler's
Knob on Groundhog Day, the East Coast, pro-human news media
has once again neglected equally deserving members of the
animal kingdom.
By
John Breneman 
By
John Breneman 
However,
even though he has mastered zombie habits like gnawing on
people's necks and staggering around trancelike with his arms
extended, his image has been bloodied by the allegation that
he is not a real zombie, but a Massachusetts-born, monster
wannabe.
By
John Breneman
By
John Breneman
In
order to better serve YOU, the reader, I have compiled this
questionnaire as part of my work in the cutting-edge field
of humor column research. 
Warning:
The following questions are "multiple choice," so
respondents will need a working knowledge of the "alphabet."
2.
Do you prefer humor columns that are: 
Hi,
I'm Patti Arbuckle.
By
John Breneman
