A day at the 9/11 Commission

What did Bush and Cheney say?

By John Breneman

With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction fiasco to a punchline.

The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.

War on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.

Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get the joke.

If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster. "Nope, no weapons over there … Maybe under here."

The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent moron.

Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.

"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.

John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken, issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."

Related story:
President sends Wile E. Coyote on mission to nab bin Laden

Kerry claims proof Bush lied about Iraq

By John Breneman

A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando, Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.

As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and the real cost of Medicare.

A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose may leave the president with as little as eight months to lead.

Democratic spin doctor says X-ray of malignant fib-nose shows Bush may have as little as eight months to lead.

But Dr. Ella Funt, a respected GOP spin doctor, dismissed that as a partisan diagnosis and said the photo was probably doctored, like the one Republican supporters were distributing of John Kerry and Jane Fonda.

Furthermore, she said, the president's tendency to fudge the truth could not possibly cause such extreme enlargement of the proboscis, unless of course the president was actually a Pinocchio-like marionette, manipulated by, say, Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.

President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, who complained Thursday he was "misled" about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, said the hapless marionette theory would help explain why Bush seemed so oblivious to the apparent Halliburton conflict of interest fiasco.

Kerry, meanwhile, boasted that dozens of world leaders called to tell him they want Bush out, a few even mocking the president's own cowboy-speak by adding, "dead or alive."

However, a GOP political analyst said the White House is unconcerned. Bush's standing with his conservative base remains strong, especially now that he's reversed his previous position and called for an anti-gay marriage amendment to the Constitution.

The American people, he said, won't be fooled by the Democratic tactic of calling the Bush administration dishonest about everything from job projections and the deficit to WMD claims and Medicare (both the phony news video and the part about threatening to fire actuary Richard S. Foster if he told the truth about the pesky $1.5 cost overrun).

Related story:
Kerry won't apologize for calling Bush team a lying 'posse of thugs'

Cracking down on the boob tube

Michael Powell of the Federal Censorship Commission urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the C-word and the First Amendment..

By John Breneman

The House of Representatives has voted to come down hard on obscenity, punishing purveyors of naughty words and "wardrobe malfunctions" with stiff penal action.

Following prolonged oral intercourse on the controversial topic, the House voted 391-22 to raise to $500,000 the maximum fine for any entertainer who says (bleep), exposes his/her (bleep) or otherwise misbehaves on the airwaves.

The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act of 2004 (H.R. 3717) imposes harsh fines for using words like zoinks, yowzah and fiddlesticks; poopshoot, egad and Jesus H. Chrysler. Also on the FCC shhhhit list: shiitake mushrooms, fudge and fizzuck.

The bill further mandates that anyone who says a bad word on radio or television must have their mouth washed out with soap. And any entertainer who grabs his crotch -- or someone else's -- must film a public service announcement warning young viewers about the dangers of crotch grabbing.

"Our children have been traumatized by the horror of Janet Jackson's mammary gland. Enough is enough," said Rep. Joe Pitts (R-Penn.), interviewed between soundbites of President Bush calling a New York Times reporter an "@$$(bleep)" and trying to sexually assault the U.S. Constitution.

Michael Powell, chairman of the Federal Censorship Commission (FCC), urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the S-word, the C-word, the N-word, the P-word and the First Amendment.

Studies show the average American youth watches 3 hours and 43 minutes of television each day, during which time they witness countless murders, drive-bys, gang-bangs and mind-numbing morons pretending to deliver "news."

This is OK.

But critics say the epidemic of bad language and bad flesh on TV has been proven to cause moral decline, impudence and potty mouth among viewers under age 15.

Prolonged exposure to televised indecency also impairs children's ability to distinguish between shows that promote wholesome family values and those deemed vulgar by some pandering, adulterous politician.

At the Movies: Jesus Christ, box-office superstar