Malignant fib-nose may hurt
arrogant bastard at the polls

A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando, Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.

As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and the real cost of Medicare. A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose may leave the president with as little as eight months to lead.    MORE

Bush-Cheney host 9/11 fireside chat

President Bush invited members of the 9/11 commission over to the White House on Thursday for a fireside chat about the Sept. 11 tragedy. The president, who opposed the creation of the commission, lied that he "looked forward" to meeting with it and refused to answer direct questions about why he insisted Vice President Cheney be at his side, was said to be in rare form, plying the panel with popcorn and Kool-Aid and cracking his best weapons of mass destruction jokes.

In contrast to the commission's usual procedure, in which participants testified publicly and under oath, Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney sat on a loveseat in front of the fireplace because they said they wanted the panel to see their "body language," a disturbing subtext of smirks, whispers and Vegas-worthy ventriloquism. The president also clutched a red folder titled "Stuff Dick told me to say."    MORE

Did Bush evade Boy Scout duty?

President to appoint Iraq czar

With the June 30 deadline for his make-believe transfer of power looming, President Bush today announced he will appoint an "Iraq czar" to help find a taker for that smoking terror-pit of a country.

In an unrelated move, Halliburton has announced the creation of a tax-exempt "sovereign entity" division.    MORE

Environmental retard

By John Breneman

President Bush marked Earth Day by announcing a new environmental initiative with his pal Prince Bandar. Under the plan, Bandar will whack a few pennies from the price of crude if Bush promises to clean up any messes involving the Saudi royal family.

Meanwhile, John Kerry charged that Bush's war on the environment will launch 21 tons more pollution into the atmosphere, trigger millions of asthma attacks and help cause up to 100,000 premature deaths. Kerry said Bush gutted the nation's environmental laws with his own bare hands, raped virgin wetlands and defecated on decades of progress made since the first Earth Day in 1970.

The president, who bombed as an oil company executive, defended his petroleum-based ecological record during an ecosystem-op at a Maine nature preserve. Bush, who at one point seemed to confuse the terms "E. Coli" and "e-cology," made a fake promise to restore and protect 3 million acres of wetlands then relaxed by burning up the waters off Kennebunkport in his dad's cigarette boat.

Asked about the threat of mercury, Bush said his intelligence shows Mercury is not a threat because it has no weapons of mass destruction. He added that if he thought it would buy him a couple thousand votes, he'd pledge to put a man on Mercury by 2006.

Bush explained that environmental protection plays a key role in our economic and political system. By whining for laws regulating pollution, environmentalists spur a multibillion-dollar industry funded by energy lobbyists funneling cash to politicians who will keep the world safe for Arctic degradation.

Critics claim the president, an "environmental retard" who has let corporate super-polluters rewrite the nation's environmental laws, is drooling to drill up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

But Bush countered that opponents of unrestrained drilling are not very patriotic. "We must always take clean air and water for granted," the president concluded, "and stay the course against environmental extremists who threaten our oil supply."

Earth Day 2002: Bush declares War on Environment

President tells nation, 'I'm sure something
will pop into my head'

By John Breneman

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Must not waver. Stay the course.

His Tuesday night press conference was going along just fine. The president had successfully ducked one question about whether he'd made any "errors in judgment" and dodged another about "personal responsibility for September 11th."

He in-your-faced the nation by playing the dunce, twice, when asked clearly and directly why he and the vice president insist on appearing before the 9/11 Commission together instead of individually.

George W. Bush had wisely chosen to field questions from the East Room of the White House instead of from the deck of an aircraft carrier in front of a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner. And when Uncle Dick picked out the evening's attire, the famous military flightsuit was tucked deep in the White House play closet.

President Bush did not waver from his message while he stayed the course. There was no talk of outsourcing the fighting to India if the violence does not abate.

He even answered a question on the minds of many. "Mr. President, who will we be handing the Iraqi government over to on June 30th?"

BUSH (actual words): "We'll find that out soon. That's what Mr. Brahimi is doing. He's figuring out the nature of the entity we'll be handing sovereignty over."

See, Brahimi is on it. He's gonna let us know. No truth to the rumor Cheney plans to sell the strife-torn nation to Halliburton for an undisclosed sum and some quid pro quo to be named later.

Once the entity is identified and order restored it will be safe to implement the president's time-tested economic development strategy -- distribute generous tax breaks to the rich and open the region to exploitation by corporate friends with addresses in the Bahamas.

Some of the questions were kind of tough but stuff kept coming out of his mouth. "Now is the time and Iraq is the place." And the smirk stayed tucked away, at least until it leaked out when he said the oil revenue stream there is "pretty darn significant."

But trouble loomed ahead, a grave and gathering question. Mr. President: "After 9-11, what would your biggest mistake be … and what lessons have learned from it?"

BUSH (actual words): "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it. John, I'm sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could've done it better this way or that way. You know, I just -- I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet. …"

"I hope -- I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

And don't get him started on those weapons of mass destruction. "They could still be there. They could be hidden, like the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," some of Col. Gadhafi's leftovers found in Libya.

Stay the course. Hypothetical linguistic analysis reveals that President Bush favors the word "course" because it subconsciously reminds him of country club living and shooting golf with his dad and that he favors the term "stay the course" because it's stuck in his head from hearing Dana Carvey poke fun at his pop.

"Stay the course" means never having to say you're sorry, never having to answer any question you don't want to.

Stay the course, and you'll probably find those weapons after all. You may even get that parade for the American liberators you promised yourself way back when.

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Dangerous man. Stay the course?

By John Breneman

With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction fiasco to a punchline.

The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.

War on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.

Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get the joke.

If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster. "Nope, no weapons over there … Maybe under here."

The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent moron.

Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.

"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.

John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken, issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."

Related story:
President sends Wile E. Coyote on mission to nab bin Laden