Political football: Donkeys defeat Elephants

By John Breneman

The Donkeys beat the Elephants 51-49 on a last-second fumble by GOP quarterback George W. Bush to open the 2004 Political Football League season last night.

The Elephants appeared headed for victory, leading 49-44 and needing only a first down to run out the clock with just 32 seconds left.

"Four more yards!" Bush yelled to Dick Cheney, the bruising fullback who had already scored two touchdowns and spent half the game in Donkey quarterback John Kerry's face, questioning his manhood and taunting him as "sensitive."

Through most of the contest, the Elephants kept Kerry off balance with an array of unorthodox tactics -- from deception and dirty play to actually spitting on his uniform -- that made it tougher to run his familiar East Coast Liberal offense.

But the Donkeys managed it keep it close, thanks in part to an erratic performance by Bush, who fumbled five times and tossed three interceptions.

Sideline observers said Colin Powell and John McCain seemed a little half-hearted for the GOP and former Donkey benchwarmer Zell Miller, now a vocal member of the Elephants offensive unit, drew several key penalties for ranting on the sidelines.

Legendary Donkey superstar Bill Clinton managed three scores, two touchdowns and one cheerleader.

And the entire game came down to the final play.

GOP center Arnold Schwarzenegger snapped the ball and flung Howard Dean into the bleachers. Then he flattened Democratic linemen Gephardt and Kucinich, opening a giant hole for the president.

Bush's eyes widened as he saw a clear path to the end zone. He began high-stepping, holding the football out to one side and thinking about what kind of touchdown pose to strike. But the president failed to see blitzing Donkey linebacker Max Cleland flying in from his blind side.

Cleland smashed into Bush like a piledriver, snapping his head back and knocking the grin clean off of his face. The tenacious Democrat then pounced on the loose ball and shoveled it to Teddy Kennedy, who waddled and staggered 84 yards for the game-winning score with Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh on his back.

Vote HUMOR GAZETTE in the Satire Awards contest

FCC fines NBC for Olympic coverage

By John Breneman

The FCC has imposed a hefty fine on NBC for repeatedly broadcasting the word "snatch" during coverage of Olympic weightlifting competition. Federal censors added that many viewers might also be offended by the imagery evoked by the words "clean and jerk."

FCC Chairman Michael Powell explained that the term "snatch" is also used as slang for the female genitalia and "jerk" is a word occasionally used to describe auto-erotic activity, or masturbation in layman's terms.

The weightlifting competition also features "more grunting that you hear in most porn movies," said Powell, adding of the Olympic Games in general, "What do you expect from an event that used to be held in the nude."

Ukrainian weightlifter Vladimir Yankov admitted to moaning and groaning throughout the competition, but said it is almost impossible to compete at the Olympic level without emitting the loud grunt that traditionally signals the successful climax of the snatch.

Powell's crackdown may also target wrestling, which he said "appears to be nothing more than two men rolling around on the floor, grabbing each other to find out who'll be the dominant one and who will submit."

The FCC chief warned male swimmers and divers to avoid wearing tiny Speedo trunks and said women's beach volleyball is "one wardrobe malfunction away from a big fine."

Powell, who may force NBC to blur the groin area of competitors in the 100-meter race, said he cringes every time an announcer speak of a gymnast "nailing her dismount" and is still deciding whether commentators may say "pole vault" on the air.

Speed Racer busted for speeding, possession of speed

Speed Racer was arrested on Route 66 near Amarillo, Texas, for traveling 270 mph in a 25 mph zone. The animated racer hero was cited for speeding, aggravated speeding and speeding with the intent to speed. He was also charged with possession of speed, interstate transportation of speed and speeding with the intent to distribute speed.

Mr. Racer was apprehended after sailing his famous Mach 5 over a small canyon, a railroad yard and a saloon, where several dozen crashed-up patrol cars finally corralled him. The speeding ticket was the 17th this year for Mr. Racer, who has racked up 2,581 moving violations for habitual speeding since he raced onto the cartoon scene in 1967.

Spritle Barrister, attorney for Mr. Racer, claimed his client was framed in an "arbitrary and capricious speedtrap travesty of traditional American redneck good-old-boy justice." Legal analysts say they expect a speedy trial.     John Breneman

Man plans Iditarod run with team of Corgis

A tenacious Corgi trains for the Iditarod.

By Chris Elliott

Alaska's famous annual sled dog race will have an unusual competitor next year when Emile Robideau races his fleet of 100 Corgis. Robideau is considered an underdog in the event, as Corgis have notoriously short legs and aren't good in the snow.

"They are tenacious little dogs," Robideau said in defense of his application to run the Corgis. "I have no doubt that they have the willpower to prevail in this contest. Anyone who has ever owned a Corgi will tell you that they hate to lose."

Frostbite ended this Chihuahua's dreams of Iditarod glory.

Robideau is no stranger to the Iditarod, having run it several times with Malamutes. He dropped out of conventional racing last year because according to Robideau, he "kept getting beaten by a girl." As a response, he resorted to unconventional race methodologies, hopeful that even in the event of a loss, he would be considered in a different category, therefore not really branded as having lost to a girl.

Last year, Robideau attempted to enter the Iditarod with a fleet of 100 Mexican Hairless Chihuahuas, but had to back out when 40 of them came down with frostbite. Robideau was dismissive of the dogs' performance, and vowed to return with a better breed of dog. "Those Chihuahuas just got cold feet. The Corgis have much bigger hearts than the Chihuahuas, and I know they're going to do just fine."

Bush urged to kick $177M-a-day war habit

President Bush's colorful past as a coke-snorting, beer-guzzling party animal should not hurt his re-election bid, political analysts say, because he already addressed the issue a few years when he kicked the bottle and made God his new best pal.

But now muckraking biographer Kitty Kelley writes in "The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty" that young George W. put narcotics up his nose at Camp David while his pop was president. The allegation is made by Sharon Bush, ex-wife of his brother Neil, the one who got mixed up all those Chinese hookers.

Kelley writes that Bush learned how to use cocaine at Yale during a three-day Ecstasy and speedball bender. Once he graduated and blew all the dough his dad's friends gave him to look for oil, Bush allegedly turned to cocaine to pep him up some and got so excited he had to be talked out of investing in a "can't miss" deal down in Colombia.

In a related development, critics have intensified their call for President Bush to kick his $177-million-a-day war habit.

Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed the controversial book as "fucking garbage" and directed the White House character assassination machine to hammer Kelley, whom he referred to as a "skanky libel-spewing bitch."

Critics charge that Bush is guilty of first-degree hypocrisy, pointing out that as governor of Texas, George W. Bush supported and signed legislation increasing penalties for drug possession in that state (The Progress Report). In one instance, then-Gov. Bush signed legislation mandating jail time for people caught with less than a single gram of cocaine.

But judging by how easy it was for the Bush machine to napalm Kerry's wartime heroism with its relentless purple heart attack, despite the president's own pathetic military record, the White House is not worried.

No cease-fire in U.S. political war

John Kerry invites you to take a swing at President Bush

By John Breneman

Hostilities between warring factions intensified today with a harsh new attack by a group called Swift Boat Veterans Who Want to Gouge Kerry's Eyes Out.

Sen. John Kerry, leader of the insurgent rebels seeking to oust President Bush from office, responded by accusing presidential henchmen of war crimes against his military record.

Sen. John McCain called for a cease-fire, but most TV pundits agreed that it's probably too late for that and that any talk of the economy or the war on terror must take a back seat to sensational round-the-clock analysis of the distastefully sexy political battle.

Meanwhile, polls show a slight increase in America's confusion over how a guy with the president's shameful record of military non-service could get away with attacking a guy who not only volunteered to fight in Vietnam, but also took shrapnel and saved a guy's life.

To combat accusations that he is a Communist-loving, America-hating medal faker, the Kerry campaign is denying any connection with a new ad depicting President Bush as a psychopathic moron who will probably destroy the U.S. economy and accidentally cause a nuclear war.

When questioned about a new intelligence report indicating that Osama bin Laden is quite amused by the escalating elephant-donkey war, President Bush responded, "Osama who?"

Bush intelligence decision lacks intelligence

By John Breneman

In nominating Rep. Porter J. Goss of Florida to head up the C.I.A., President Bush wisely went for a loyal Republican who has already attacked the intelligence record of the man who is trying to take his new boss's job.

Intelligence experts say the intelligence post nomination is generating a stream of intelligence (or "chatter") suggesting that partisan attacks are likely. It also led to the following exchange at the Tuesday morning Rose Garden press conference:

HUMOR GAZETTE: Mr. President why did you select a man who, according to the New York Times, denounced John Kerry's intelligence record on the House floor in June and whose own work providing oversight of the C.I.A. as chairman of the House Intelligence Committee was deemed ineffective by the commission investigating the 9/11 attacks?

PRESIDENT BUSH: "If I told you that, I'd have to kill you. Heh, heh."

"Just kidding," said Bush, whose trademark smirk then turned into a grimace when he was asked how his plan for a national director of intelligence who would assume some of the C.I.A. chief's traditional duties would affect Goss's role.

"Beats me," said the president.

This just in from the New York Times: "The office of director of intelligence has got to be kept out of politics," said Stansfield Turner, director of central intelligence under President Jimmy Carter. "It's already lost a lot of its credibility with the American public over weapons of mass destruction, and this is not going to help its credibility. People will say, 'Is he really telling us the truth, is he really telling the president the truth?' "

But at least Rep. Goss is tough. The Times also reports: "Democrats who serve on Mr. Goss's committee charge that he has ignored legislation they submitted four months ago to reform the intelligence community along the lines that the Sept. 11 commission recommended."

The Humor Gazette has learned that Mr. Goss's secret code name might be "T-Bone," in order to confuse a terrorist who might think he'd be named after a Porterhouse steak.

Other possible code names for Goss, himself a former spy: "Gator," "Hoover," "Stovepipe" and "Albatross," the last a satiric reference to his potential to be a liability at a time of alleged politicization of intelligence, from the threat of WMDs in Iraq to politically convenient terror alerts.

Ridge terror alert smells fishy

Responding to harsh criticism from the New York Times that his Crayola-based terror alert system is more useful to late-night comedians than the American public, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced that he is switching to a fish-based system.

Henceforth, instead of standing in front of a color-coded chart while simultaneously warning Americans to be very afraid and reassuring them about "the president's leadership in the war against terror," Ridge will simply spread his hands apart - close together if the terror threat is minimal, and very far apart if an attack seems imminent.

On occasion, he may use an actual fish. Perhaps one swordfish if the terrorists are coming by land, two North Atlantic salmon if by sea. Three flying fish if the bastards are coming by plane again. And a standard 12-inch parrotfish when bursting onto the scene at politically convenient moments to hail the captain's firm hand at the helm.

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