Jackson to change name
of Neverland Ranch

By Chris Elliott

In an attempt to curry favor with the molestation jury, Michael Jackson has decided to change the name of his palatial estate. As of the first of June, the compound will have his its name legally changed from "Neverland" to "Never Going to Molest Any More Children Land." While the new name is considerably more cumbersome, Jackson hopes the move will help his public image.

"Never Going to Molest Any More Children Land is quite a mouthful," a giggling Michael Jackson said in a recent press conference, "but so are little boys." Jackson is hopeful that the name change will help jurors and the American public view Jackon's pedophile style as benevolent and sweet, distinctly different from the raping and burying alive style that is popular in Florida.

"It's an east coast/west coast thing, sort of like the rappers have, only it's about sex with children, not gun violence and cheesy bitch-and-ho tunes," Jackson said. Other possible changes could include changing the name of Jackson's chimp, Bubbles. A Jackson spokesperson said the eccentric pop star wants to change the chimp's name to something you don't blow.

Man plans Iditarod run with team of Corgis

A tenacious Corgi trains for the Iditarod.

By Chris Elliott

Alaska's famous annual sled dog race will have an unusual competitor next year when Emile Robideau races his fleet of 100 Corgis. Robideau is considered an underdog in the event, as Corgis have notoriously short legs and aren't good in the snow.

"They are tenacious little dogs," Robideau said in defense of his application to run the Corgis. "I have no doubt that they have the willpower to prevail in this contest. Anyone who has ever owned a Corgi will tell you that they hate to lose."

Frostbite ended this Chihuahua's dreams of Iditarod glory.

Robideau is no stranger to the Iditarod, having run it several times with Malamutes. He dropped out of conventional racing last year because according to Robideau, he "kept getting beaten by a girl." As a response, he resorted to unconventional race methodologies, hopeful that even in the event of a loss, he would be considered in a different category, therefore not really branded as having lost to a girl.

Last year, Robideau attempted to enter the Iditarod with a fleet of 100 Mexican Hairless Chihuahuas, but had to back out when 40 of them came down with frostbite. Robideau was dismissive of the dogs' performance, and vowed to return with a better breed of dog. "Those Chihuahuas just got cold feet. The Corgis have much bigger hearts than the Chihuahuas, and I know they're going to do just fine."

The N-U-C-L-E-A-R litmus test

By Chris Elliott

The Democratic National Convention is behind us, and the case has been stated for change. There have been niceties and tributes, and there has been rancor and vitriol. Surely though, the event's highlight was John Kerry's acceptance speech. Kerry touched upon on all relevant points that will determine the election's outcome, and he did so with all of the grace that could have been expected. One particularly high point for me was his pronunciation of the word "nuclear." The "c" was pronounced immediately before the "l" and there was no insertion between the two letters of an arbitrary letter "y." To appropriate a well-worn phrase, John Kerry hit the pronunciation of the word "nuclear" out of the park.

Thank you for your votes in the ongoing Satire Awards contest

It was awesome. For the first time since Al Gore's campaign four years ago, I was observing a man in the pursuit of our highest office who could pronounce a word that most of us grew up with.     MORE

Chris Elliott can be reached at CDElliott009@aol.com

Gazette discovers evidence of Iraq WMDs

Click to see larger view of Hussein ad

Humor Gazette investigative reporter Chris Elliott has discovered shocking evidence that Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction.

The smoking gun? A slick Madison Avenue-quality advertisement for a hideous biological weapon called "Kurd Be Gone," described as "the latest in tribe control products from Hussein Laboratories."

The ad boasts that Hussein's genocide product is "a triple cocktail of hanta virus, bubonic plague and strychnine delivered in a fine airborne mist." Elliott found the advertisement in a dumpster in the dangerous Thump City district of Baghdad.

A White House spokesman said there can be little doubt the ad is authentic because it so clearly supports the administration's claim that Hussein actually had weapons. President Bush responded, "See? Told you he had WMDs. Nah nah, nah nah nah."

Saddam pens anti-Bush poetry

The Humor Gazette has obtained several of Hussein's poems from a source close to the guy who smuggles in his favorite Oreos, Keeblers and Little Debbie Snack Cakes.

The Iraqi human rights minister who visited him in prison said Hussein, who used to get his cardio workout by butchering people for 30 minutes each day, has put on 11 pounds and is thinking of starting the Atkins lo-carb diet. He is also being treated for an itchy beard and suffers from chronic dictator's elbow.

In addition to writing poetry, the Iraqi rhapsodist spends his days drawing Devil horns on photographs of President Bush and silk-screening his new line of "High-Value Detainee" apparel.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ode to George W. Bush"

Bush, you oil-sucking piece of devil dung

You took my country and whacked my sons and yanked me from a rathole
but you are messing with the wrong "cowpoke" my mentally challenged friend

You swore I had nuclear yellow cake mustard gas bombs
and linked me with that Osama douchebag
so when my freedom tunnel is finished
I'm gonna get Mesopotamian on your ass

You killed your own people to take me out
and now you're stuck with my stink forever

Plus, you and your God can shove it cause Allah says you suck

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"MacBush"

Bubble bubble oil and trouble
Bush is dumber than Barney Rubble

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The madman has even tried haiku…

"Camel Dung"

Naked aggression
Mother of all warmongers
Halliburton rules

--------------------------

"Read My Lips"

Daddy Bush missed me
Georgie Junior bagged Baghdad
Mission accomplished

Homeland Security horoscope

Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge consults his imaginary crystal ball.

By John Breneman

Memo: U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Secretary Tom Ridge, in consultation with the nation's top astrological experts, today issued the following Risk Assessment Horoscope:

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Use common sense when dealing with a grave and gathering menace. Consensual physical affection with a loved one can temporarily numb the haunting specter of imminent mayhem. The future is guardedly bright.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Good day to assess your surroundings for vulnerabilities and take protective measures to mitigate them. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment on severing ties with a relative who may be a security risk. Be wary of unfamiliar smiles.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Monitor your transportation systems to insure readiness in the event of an evening terrorist incursion. Making an obscene gesture in traffic could lead to an unwanted gunshot wound. Vary your daily routine.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Be patient if a loved one's fear of nuclear annihilation causes him or her to question your preparedness. Biweekly drills help you familiarize family personnel with your emergency response plan. Stock up on duct tape.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A breathtaking sunrise reminds you the end could come before dusk. Coordinate your personal security efforts with local emergency personnel and law enforcement agencies. Do not let your identity fall into enemy hands.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Seek creative new ways to disguise your attractiveness as a potential terrorist target. Be sure to exercise appropriate precautions in the event of an unexpected romantic encounter. Avoid naked aggression.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Redirect your personal resources to give priority to critical emergency needs. Treating yourself to a canister of pepper spray can add zest to your paranoia. Turn your stress about man's inherent capacity for evil into positive energy.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The threat of media chatter is heightened today. Follow established protocols when dealing with the rhetoric of swarthy political extremists. News reports of possible terrorist activity may be inaccurate or exaggerated.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Think twice before utilizing free speech to criticize the government. Sacrificing a few civil liberties will help the shadowy forces protect you. Limit your contact with those who exhibit an unkempt appearance or beady eyes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) A moment of serenity will likely be dashed by a sudden heightening of tension. Promptly report any suspicious individuals or activity to the Department of Homeland Security. Vigilance is next to godliness.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Going somewhere you've never been could be asking for trouble. Restrict access to your home and work environments to essential personnel only. Don't succumb to a panic attack: Today's threat level for apocalyptic doom is LOW.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Undertake further refinement of household protective measures within the context of current threat information. Unnecessary friendliness could cause unforeseen complications. Fortify your perimeter.

Let phony horoscopes guide you

Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader knows they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely nonexistent.

But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.

Common Sense horoscope

Gangsta horoscope

President cloned by Dr. Gene Meddler

By John Breneman

Scientists at the University of South Berwick announced today they have successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears a striking resemblance to President George W. Bush. The president sharply criticized the scientific breakthrough as "morally wrong." But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just as strongly that human cloning is "morally right." This according to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.

More...

Bush received faulty intelligence from God

By John Breneman

A Senate panel not only determined the U.S. used bad information to justify the war in Iraq, it also weighed in on a report that President Bush may have received faulty intelligence from God.

Bush, who claims to have consulted the Lord before making the decision to go to war, said God convinced him that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and told him Saddam Hussein was a "madman" and a "freedom-hating thug." When asked specifically if Hussein was connected to al Qaeda, Bush said the Creator-in-Chief responded, "Yep."

But the Senate panel investigating pre-war intelligence said that, even though the president talks about religion a lot and ends every speech with the words "God Bless America," it could find no direct link between President Bush and the Lord.

However, Vice President Dick Cheney defended a possible White House-Heaven link, saying the absence of documentation that Bush talked directly to God does not mean such a meeting did not take place.

Washington observers say the possibility that Bush got bad intelligence from "the man upstairs" has not diminished the president's faith in God. Bush has resisted pressure to dump the Lord from his Cabinet and said the omnipotent deity is doing "a fabulous job."

Supporters say they cannot blame Bush for faulty intelligence about Iraq's weapons if it came directly from the great warrior in the sky. Democrats, however, claim the intelligence failure between Bush and the Lord dates back as early as 1946, when God created the future president.

Hussein attorneys claim he's insane

By John Breneman

Legal analysts say Saddam Hussein plans to fight charges of war crimes and genocide by pleading temporary insanity.

"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham."

Hussein told an Iraqi judge that he is also a CIA hitman, a Mesopotamian deity and a porn star known by the stage name Dick Tater. The desperate Hussein also claimed he partied with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back in 1983-84.

Noted legal superstar Johnnie Cochran told Don Imus that he told Oprah that Hussein's insanity defense is bolstered by the fact that President Bush has called him a "madman" approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 1, 2001.

But White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded that Bush used the term "rhetorically," much like the words "grave and gathering threat," "weapons of mass destruction" and "links to al Qaeda."

McClellan reminded reporters that God had specifically instructed President Bush to take over Iraq and fulfill his destiny as a war president, even if it meant getting thousands of people killed.

Hussein defense attorney F. Lee Chalabi said his client has been a "nutjob" since 1988 when he accidentally inhaled some mustard gas while wiping out some infidels. His legal team estimates the American media has referred to Hussein as the "wacky Iraqi" an estimated 2.4 million times.

"This is all theater. The real criminal is Bush," a defiant Hussein told the judge while swatting away imaginary fruit flies and humming "U Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer.

"Hussein. Rhymes with 'insane'. Can you dig it?" concluded the wacky Iraqi madman.