Shedding our cell-phone hangups

By John Breneman

Hello? Yeah, it's me. Due to recent advancements in technology and marketing, I am now convinced that I can no longer exist without a cell phone. Lately I've noticed that almost everyone is having great fun chatting into them while walking down the street or weaving down the interstate.

Can you hear me now? I'm told Virgin Mobile has cherry deals for cell-phone virgins and, no, I don't believe reports that the radiation causes brain damage in laboratory rats.

From watching TV, I am aware that cellular phone manufacturers are always innovating, dreaming up new ways for consumers to enjoy their product. The people at Nextel say you can now utilize their popular 6600 model to insulate yourself from non-cellular sensory experience and blot out up to 90% of the annoying audiovisual stimuli produced by the world around you.

Sanyo says you can hear voices in your RX100 while doing yoga, sitting through interminable religious services or tucking in the baby. If you're hip to the hype you know a shiny Samsung can help you feel young, Audiovox rocks and Panasonic is simply symphonic. Talk about the old hard sell, a slick-talking nametag at Circuit City assured me I can "choke my Nokia" whenever and wherever I please.

So don't tell me it's unsafe to zigzag down the highway with a phone in my hand and a voice in my head. Wheeling and dealing behind the wheel is all part of the deal. Why else would Motorola make an 8-megapixel i860 equipped with overhead cameras and a factory hemi?

Another thing that appeals to me about the cellular telephone craze is that they are always coming out with "cool" new phrases to use on your "cell." The following are "in" for 2005:

-- "Lemme speed up, I can't hear you with all these stupid cars honking at me."
-- "At the end of the day I just want to diversify my portfolio."
-- "While I'm here, do we need any analgesic? Cube steak?"
-- "And so I was, like, whatever."
-- "Sorry, I can ba--ly underst--d wh-- you're s--ing with all this f---ing st-tic."
-- "No thanks. I don't want to consider switching to a new plan."
-- "Hang on while I finish up this orgasm."

Yet despite all these swell advancements (smell-phones by Calvin Klein, coming soon) cellular communication has its detractors, those who would stem cell-phone research for ethical reasons. How dare they? Freedom of wireless speech is guaranteed in the U.S. Cellular Constitution …

Hold on a second, I think I feel something vibrating in my pants.

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Here's a Humor Gazette classic from March 20, 2004

Latest poll: 39% of headline-hungry prosecutors believe Martha Stewart should be "made an example of" to "send a message" to the real white-collar criminals. 52% of "Apprentice" fans support Donald Trump's decision to fire President George W. Bush. 64% of third-party loyalists believe Ralph Nader is a hapless crash-test dummy. 63% of the middle-class favor peace in the Middle East (72% in the Midwest). 87% of righteous censorship enthusiasts agree that Congress should fine entertainers $500,000 for using the word "fizzuck." 76% of chemical-free big businessmen are convinced steroids have infiltrated Washington D.C. and Wall Street. 99.9% of all conflict-of-interest buffs are troubled that the vice president reaped millions and is still getting deferred cash from a company that is reaping billions in the White House gang's Iraq operation, not to mention the alleged of kickbacks, price gouging and overcharging. 0.3% of all Humor Gazette readers protest that satirical references to "Lethal Whippin'," "Jesus Christ, box-office superstar" and "The Bashin' of the Christ" are in exceedingly poor taste."

Latest telephone poll reveals: Americans hate telephone polls

By John Breneman

A recent Humor Gazette/XYZ poll revealed 59% of registered Democrats believe President Bush's blatantly political anti-gay marriage amendment constitutes nothing short of attempted same-sex assault against the U.S. Constitution.

The same poll indicated 82% of Republican voters believe John Kerry is waffling on whether continuing to waffle is a sound political strategy, based on the latest polls.

This is valuable information. Trouble is, Americans are becoming increasingly annoyed with telephone surveys. This according to an annoying telephone survey just released by U.S. pollster Polls R Us.

"We called 950 U.S. citizens from all walks of life -- most of them just as they were sitting down to dinner -- and 94% of them made it strikingly clear that they are extremely annoyed by telephone surveys," said company spokesman Richard Click.

The number of respondents who politely declined to participate has dropped sharply; and 63% of those contacted invoked at least one expletive before slamming the receiver down, up from 44% in a similar poll conducted last month.

The range of expletives also has expanded, according to Click, who noted that one particularly creative curser unleashed a barrage of invective featuring multiple ethnic slurs and five crude anatomical references, one involving a genetically engineered donkey.

Related stories:
New probe probes impact of probes
U.N. reports increase in number of assholes worldwide

"Our research shows that Americans truly hate unsolicited telephone calls," said Click, whose firm is on target to initiate 4.2 million unsolicited calls in the first quarter of 2004.

Among the 6% of respondents who said they don't mind participating in telephone polls, nearly half reported that they approve of President Bush's efforts to avoid a worldwide nuclear war but would feel safer if he could pronounce the word "nuclear."

Two-thirds of those surveyed said the media is far too infatuated with polls, which really have no value other than to produce meaningless date upon which pundits can pundificate.

The latest Polls R Us poll, which has a margin of error of plus or minus 143%, also revealed the following:

2% of respondents claimed they were much smarter and better looking than the other 98%.

106% of those surveyed said Americans must improve their math skills to better compete in the global economy.

Test your Humor IQ

Annual report: What People Earn

George W. Bush, war president, $7 trillion national debt / Courtney Love, crack ho, $600,000 / Donald Trump, mogul, $100 million / J. Christ, savior, $0 / Marty Kurdkiller, genocidal maniac, assets frozen / Hugh Murgazet, web satirist, minus $20,000

John Smith, cave explorer, $10 million / Macauley Culkin, child star, $4,500 / Janet Jackson's breasts, entertainers, $3.6M (right) and $1.2M (left) / George W. Steinbrenner, baseball antichrist, $212 million / Darwin Charles, simian rights attorney, $180,000 / Dennis Kozlowski, corporate party animal, $600 million

Rush Limbaugh, right-wing stooge, $2.5 million / Martha Stewart, license plate maker, $500 / Mo Cudhoffey, airport security, $18,000 / Reid Page, Fox News anchor, $200,000 / Rosie, exotic dancer, $24 million / Howard Dean, former presidential candidate, minus $1.2 million

Bush sworn in on a stack of Bibles

By John Breneman

Basking in the glory of his terrific/horrific war to liberate/obliterate Iraq, President George W. Bush used his inaugural address today to take aim at a new goal: "the greatest achievements in the history of freedom."

The president's grand plan to end tyranny by bullying the world into liberty was revealed shortly after Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist administered the presidential oaf of office. Bush insisted on taking the oath with his left hand resting upon "a whole stack of Bibles" to reflect his personal commitment to using religious imagery for personal gain.

The history-minded president evoked the memory of John F. Kennedy by recalling that turning point at age 40 when Bush quit his beloved booze, made God his new best pal and said to himself, "Ask not what your Daddy can do for you -- ask what you can do to be more like your Daddy."

After saying "freedom" 27 times and "liberty" on 15 occasions, President Bush Jr. concluded with a word from his loyal colleague and trusted adviser, the Lord: "May God bless you, and may He kick the ass of anyone who messes with the United States of America."

The White House dismissed criticism of the $40 million spent on Bush's lavish inauguration, saying that amount wouldn't even pay for seven hours of his nifty $1-billion-a-week war. An additional $20 million security effort insured that insurgent protesters would not disrupt the day by invoking their quaint First Amendment rights.

The inauguration was attended by a parade of dignitaries, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesus Christ and Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter.

Former President George H.W. Bush arrived by parachute, touching down next to his wife Barbara, whose uncanny resemblance to George Washington grows with each passing inauguration. They were accompanied by son Jeb, the Florida governor who is widely believed to be next in line for the Bush throne.

Banned from the historic proceeding was a reporter from the Humor Gazette, the influential satire publication that made news by rejecting a $240,000 White House payoff to promote the president's controversial "No Body Bag Left Behind" initiative.

Other Humor Gazette exclusives critical of the president include the following:

-- "Bush received faulty intelligence from God" (July 14, 2004)

-- coverage of that embarrassing moment when a baby peed on him at the Republican convention (Aug. 31, 2004)

-- the Gazette's dung-in-cheek "endorsement" of Bush (Aug. 27, 2004)

-- the infamous "Fistful of Jelly Beans" report comparing Bush, unfavorably, to his hero Ronald Reagan (June 7, 2004)

-- the release of documents proving that the president is an asswipe (Sept. 22, 2004)

-- a Gazette scoop questioning whether Bush evaded Boy Scout duty (April 10, 2004)

-- satiric coverage of the president's memorable "Something will pop into my head" speech (April 14, 204)

-- critical analysis of his "joke" about weapons of mass destruction (March 26, 2004)

-- a report taking the president to task for "flip-flopping" on Osama bin Laden (Oct. 14, 2004)

-- coverage of his pre-election threat to use military force against any Democratic candidates he felt posed a threat to his presidency (Nov. 4, 2003)

-- his suggestion that an unfavorable Newsweek poll was unpatriotic (May 17, 2004)

-- his handling of the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal (May 25, 2004)

-- Bush's nomination for a "Purple Chin" award for sustaining a mountain bike injury in the line of duty (May 30, 2004)

-- hard-edged analysis of his "trickle-down" policy of pissing in America's ear and calling it a golden beacon of democracy (Oct. 11, 2004)

-- his "firing" by Donald Trump (March 2, 2004)

-- a story speculating about the president's forked tongue (June 4, 2004)

-- a critique of the president's nuke-u-lar ramblings, "Misprouncing a lie doesn't make it true" (Aug. 16, 2004)

-- an irreverent debate preview with rules to the "Presidential Debate Drinking Game" (Sept. 30, 2004)

-- vice-presidential debate analysis revealing Dick Cheney's ability to secrete toxic venom through his fangs (Oct. 6, 2004)

-- a report critical of the president's missionary position on gay marriage (June 7, 2004)

-- a report critical of his "No Slacker Left Behind" education plan (May 25, 2004)

-- a review of a book critical of Bush written by a former White House janitor (March 24, 2004)

New Year's resolution:
kick Pez addiction

By John Breneman

This year I resolve to give up Fritos, Doritos, Cheetos, Tostitos and refried burritos; no more succumbing to inner snack-food libidos. In fact I hope to eschew all products in the tasty but fattening -eatos food group.

I am also determined to lick my $1.99/week Pez addiction. But I would be even more pleased if President Bush were able to kick his $1 billion/week war habit.

And I am seriously considering making a vow to think about whether to maybe make some hardish decisions about the potential need to possibly become somewhat less indecisive. Maybe.

A word of advice. In 2005 you will definitely want to avoid carbs, cholesterol and all cancer-causing carcinogens. Also CAT scans, cockfights and cardiac smackdowns. Basically anything that starts with a "C."

Now, here -- recommended by my crack team of leading experts -- are some handy tips on other key things to avoid in 2005:

-- Getting punched in the face
-- Becoming "just another statistic"
-- Poison blowgun darts
-- People who stink
-- Tapeworms
-- Identity thieves
-- Hidden charges
-- Roaming fees
-- Rude awakenings
-- Elephantitis
-- Cerebral bypass surgery
-- Rotten apples, sour grapes and manufacturers' lemons

You might say the road to self-improvement is rich in carbon monoxide. Try the book "101 Ways to Rid Yourself of Unsightly Ugliness and Excess Hate." Changed my life. Other must-reads: "Duct Tape Dogma," "Mapping the Human Genome for Fun and Profit" and "The Da Vinci Diet."

When Harry met Nazi

By John Breneman

Prince Harry apologized for wearing a Nazi uniform to a costume party, attributing his lapse in judgment to a combination of booze, ecstasy and crack.

"I thought it would be a gas," said the 20-year-old prince, whose hobbies include partying and disgracing the English throne. "All the skinheads I know do bloody well with the birds. I thought the swastika was really shagadelic, but now I realize it might be offensive to anyone with half a brain."

A source close to the bloke who shovels the dung from under the prince's polo pony said the Hitler homage was not Harry's first choice of party attire.

"He tried on a few Osama bin Laden beards but couldn't find just the right one," said Nigel Tufnel. "And he was keen on going as a Ku Klux Klansman but couldn't find a bedsheet without bleeding 'Buckingham Palace' embroidered on it."

The prince also decided against going as the murderous Ugandan dictator Idi Amin because his black face paint kept smudging and the pillow under his 'Party Animal' T-shirt kept shifting.

Prince Charles, who is said to be outraged by the incident, reportedly grounded his youngest son and made him promise not to get drunk or stoned for two weeks.

Related stories:
Harry the Nazi: a defence of the idiot prince (London News Review)

Harry Starts Fascist Fashion Craze (The Spoof)

Prince Harry's letter of apology (The Chortler)

By John Breneman

Hollywood is abuzz with insipid wordplay in response to the tragic news that the Pitts have called it quits.

There are many theories on what caused the Aniston-Pitt split. Some say Jen was seen frolicking with a handsome Brit. Or that Brad pined for a little Pitt, a son to play catch with his little Pitt mitt. Some say it was Jen's inability to knit, but others say this didn't bug Pitt one bit.

Did he prefer to stand while she liked to sit? Did she hate to expectorate while he liked to spit? Did he call her a nitwit and she threw a fit?

Whatever the case, the Pitt split seems legit. Or is it too early to write the couple's obit? The mega-super-duper-couple seemed so close-knit, but in the end was it just a bad fit? And why, why oh why, do we give half a shit?

The split has caused millions to pause and sit, weep a bit, even fall to their knees and mourn Aniston-Pitt. So sad, and yet sadder still to admit, tsunami survivors have been particularly hard hit.

The Brad-Jen armageddon is cruel, this is true. But they, and we too, will surely pull through. We'll reflect on these stars, how our lives they once lit, while subsisting on rations from our Pitt Split Survival Kit.*

*A source close to the publicist for Brad Pitt's personal assistant's limousine driver said the Pitt Split Survival Kit contains:

-- a DVD of the "Friends" episode featuring guest star Brad Pitt
-- a mock People magazine cover proclaiming Aniston-Pitt offspring "Sexiest Infant Alive"
-- two "I (Heart) Brad and Jen" T-shirts
-- 8x10 photos of the couple "canoodling" during happier times
-- one "Death to Angelina Jolie" voodoo doll

White House in doghouse over puppy choice

By John Breneman

President Bush has come under fire for selecting a Scottish terrier instead of an American breed as the cuddly new White House puppy.

Dane Basset, a spokesman for B.A.R.K. (Buy American Registered K9s), criticized the Bushes for failing to make a more patriotic selection. "An American pit bull terrier would have sent a powerful message to the rest of the world, like 'You play things our way or we'll rip your friggin' head off'," said Basset.

But President Bush said he wanted the decision process to be entirely free of political considerations. So after quickly ruling out German shepards and French poodles, he refused to pander to Hispanic voters by adopting a chihuahua and settled in on the Scottish terrier, which the Bushes have named Miss Beazley.

The 10-week-old canine frolicked for the cameras Thursday with the Bush's other dog Barney, also a Scottish terrier. The adorable little bitch, a birthday gift to First Lady Laura Bush, is said to be the daughter of Barney's half-brother.

The animal has been fully vetted by the FBI to assure there will be no embarrassing revelations involving public urination or links to any extremist terrier organizations. Miss Beazley is expected to breeze through her upcoming Senate confirmation hearings.

Sources say Laura Bush put considerable thought into naming her new puppy. Miss Beazley won out over a colorful list that included Miss Condy, Flip-Flop, Ahmad, Tax-Cutter, Arbusto, Spot II and W.M.Deedles.

Miss Beazley is expected to get along well with the president's beloved pet goat, Michael, and the rest of the White House menagerie: a praying mantis named Mr. Jeezums, Saddam Hussein's former hamster and a belligerent armadillo called Rum-Tum-Tumsfeld.

Scent of a pop tart

By John Breneman

Hey ladies, have you ever gone to a hotel and fantasized about banging the beguiling stranger in the room next door? If so, pop slut turned perfume mogul-ette Britney Spears has got a hot new fragrance for you.

It's called Curious, and the fabulous commercial features the doe-eyed diva either fantasizing about getting nailed or actually seducing her mystery man into a steamy fingernails-raking-the-back sex romp.

Unlike lesser creative artists -- who might be content to slap their name on some toilet water and rake in millions from pop tart wannabes and gullible boyfriends -- word is Britney gave some juicy input to the "scent boys" in putting together her naughty new 'fume. She has even mastered the marketing soundbite, calling the aroma "seriously sexy."

Britney's odor is described as "an exhilarating white floral accented with Louisiana Magnolia and wrapped in the sensuality of vanilla-infused musk."

It's only $49.50 for a 3.3 oz. mini-jug and it comes with a free gift -- a T-shirt emblazoned with the pheromone-producing slogan "Deliciously Whipped!"

But wait, there's more. For just another $50 or so, you can get Curious body souffle, Curious shower gel and Curious shimmer stick. That's not a bad deal, considering that Team Spears could probably sell tiny decanters of Britney's used bath water for $200 a pop. (At presstime, bidding on eBay had reached $10,000 for a vial of her pee.)

Meanwhile, keep a nostril out for other celebrity scents. Coming soon:

Hilary Duff ("Facsimile")
Lindsay Lohan ("Me2")
Jessica Simpson ("Oblivious")
Christina Aguilera ("Genital Breeze")
Jenna Jameson ("Secretions")
Anna Nicole Smith ("Smitty")
Angelina Jolie ("Plasma")
Paris Hilton ("Gangbang")
Kirstie Alley ("Colossus")
Martha Stewart ("Captivity")
Condoleezza Rice ("Security")

(For Men)
P. Diddy ("Ho")
Ashton Kutcher ("Douche")
Vin Diesel ("Fumes")
Mel Gibson ("Passion")
Tony Danza ("Emote")